#meconfused

I must confess that, as a male, it’s getting more difficult to navigate dating in the new reality. I am scared to go from “first base” to “second” and “third”! In no way am I disrespectful to metoo women and their difficulties, but as an ackward early 20s guy trialing to navigate dating, I am scared that one unintended misstep puts on me on trial on the Internet.

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No offence but...

Sep 25, 2018 at 2:37pm

Why would the internet care about some random early 20s guy? (Assuming you are not famous)

Anonymous

Sep 25, 2018 at 2:38pm

Use your words and be respectful at all times. It's pretty simple.

Consenting adults

Sep 25, 2018 at 3:20pm

You won't have any problems if you are respectful, recieve consent, and not pry on drunk/high women. The men that are being called out are those who aren't respectful, ignore consent, and pry on those who are drunk or high.

@ Consenting

Sep 25, 2018 at 3:48pm

pry????

Where's the confusion?

Sep 25, 2018 at 4:46pm

If she/he stops you from "playing the game" then that's that. You stop. Ridiculous that people are confused. If you're unsure, take it as a no.

If people you're with send you mixed signals, that's on them.

Really, junior?

Sep 25, 2018 at 4:56pm

If you don't know the difference between appropriate situations and inappropriate ones for putting on your smooth moves, if you don't know the difference between enthusiastic consent and reticence, then no, you should not be dating. It's called being able to read social cues. I have a feeling you're able to navigate other social cues just fine in your life. You'd best be asking yourself why you insist that it''s so damn hard to interpret the ones from women. Willful ignorance is not an excuse to be a creepy dick. You could try to listen when women tell you what's up instead of whining about how you're so paranoid of being labelled a rapist.

Stellar's Jay

Sep 25, 2018 at 9:54pm

I'm autistic, and I can't reliably read your "social cues" in dating situations. I can often read reticence, but it's impossible for me to tell the difference between "enthusiastic consent" and "my wishful thinking" unless people are willing to use their words. And no, I can't reliably read "other" social cues, either. I miss them all the time. But it's especially bad in dating situations.

It cuts the other way too. When I was younger gay men used to be attracted to me. On one occasion one of them sexually assaulted me. At the time, I thought he was just a garden variety rapist, but as I've learned more about "social cues" I've realized that I had inadvertently given him one of these social cues. He didn't have to ASK for consent, since he'd already been given a social cue. Trust me, if I was able to get social cues right, I'd never have given that guy that cue.

Because I'm really bad at reading social cues, I've given the matter a lot of thought, and spent a lot of time talking to other people (mainly women) about it. First, reading social cues is a skill, something that everyone has a different level of ability at and that you can improve at by working on it. Secondly, people who haven't thought about this, i.e. 99% of people, just assume that other people are as good at reading social cues as they are themselves. Third, women are ON AVERAGE better at reading social cues than men. It's not a huge gap, like the gap between autistic me and regular people, but it's there.

What this means in dating situations is that when women give off social cues the guys will usually read them correctly, but, because guys are usually not as good at this as women, and because human beings make mistakes, occasionally, without any intent to harm, he'll miss it. Because the woman assumes, like everyone else, that everyone else can read social cues as well as themselves, she won't perceive this as a mistake, she'll assume that he's knowingly ignoring her cue, and interpret it as malice. And then he's up the creek, because under #MeToo women are police, judge, jury, and executioner.

There are also a lot of #MeToo situations that are about sexual bullying, knowing malice or harm. But #MeToo could separate the communication failures from the malicious ones if you wanted to.

I stopped dating years ago, because I can't read all the cues and women refuse to use their words.

18 3Rating: +15

This...

Sep 25, 2018 at 11:01pm

The commentariat is why men leave, and multiethnic families are increasingly the norm.
Too much risk and abuse, and nothing good to speak of. These people are just not an option. They are terrifying. It really is the Holy Inquisition of our time.
I'm long past my 20s, and have never once been accused of taking advantage. I've had relationships that lasted over 5 years. I'm on civil terms with my exes.
I'd never date anyone from here. Foreigners and recent transplants only, before they catch the awful madness that possesses the locals.
The word "rapist" is not a frequent term in the vocabulary of sensible people, especially considering the ACTUAL statistical incidence of sexual assault.
Nothing sensible to be had here.

Anonymous

Sep 26, 2018 at 9:43am

if u can't tell the difference between a "misstep" and like, actual assault or harassment, you should stay single.

9 9Rating: 0

Hi OP

Sep 26, 2018 at 10:06am

Don’t listen to the holier-than-thou women commenting above. They are just the kind of sour grape types that do what they can to get men into trouble. Ignore.

Given the deplorable behaviour of some women ie - over the top lies and accusations - your concerns are 100% founded. You are supported.

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