Afraid to have children

I grew up poor and from a divorced family. I think I’ve grown a lot despite the family I’ve come from. Gone to school, have a decent career. As I get closer to 30 think I’d like to have kids. But then I look around me and see all the women I know who are no longer with the fathers of their children and struggling. Some make co-parenting work but it truly comes at a cost. My main concern about having kids is that the dad would just up and leave me one day. To me, the reality seems so possible. So many women I know started off with seemingly great guys but down the line break ups happen. I know of some dads who pay child support. But then I hear about stories where it’s months and years and backed up child support. Then it’s a lot of baby daddy drama on Facebook. My biggest fear is getting serious with someone, being abandoned and being left to raise kids on my own.


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Oct 15, 2018 at 10:15pm

... most divorces are initiated by women, so, realize that while you cannot control the man, you can control whether or not you break down the marriage/relationship.

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speakin of the divorces

Oct 15, 2018 at 11:09pm

initiated by women. I think its a great investment for them as while one dad is obligated to pay alimonies she can find another one to merry and in a year put a burden of feedin and bringin up her child. Awesome plan

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Simple solution

Oct 16, 2018 at 12:06am

Don’t have kids. The world has too many people already

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Make sure you can afford the child on your own.

Oct 16, 2018 at 4:31am

I don't have the same worries as you, but even if I didn't, I would still make sure I could afford a child. You can only control you.

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What do you want?

Oct 16, 2018 at 7:40am

Do you want a loving and supporting partner or just children. If you only want kids then finding a man that will 'stay' even though you only wanted him for his sperm and child support payments is wrong. That man is a human too that wants love and support as well.

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dad types

Oct 16, 2018 at 9:13am

I really wanted be a father, actively involved in child raising, keeping a safe and interesting and nurturing home, in a committed relationship. I have always wanted these things. 24 years married now.

I'm sure we are out there.

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From a legal beagle

Oct 16, 2018 at 9:13am

While there are men who bugger off and abandon their responsibilities to their children, there are also a lot of men who, after a relationship breaks down, stay the course and raise their children on a fifty-fifty basis. They love their kids, and don't want to see them out of their lives.

So yes, you may end up in a relationship that breaks down. Or maybe not.

And you might end up with a baby-daddy who disappears. Or one who remains actively (and equally) involved in raising his kids after a relationship breakdown.

At the end of the day, life is a crap shoot. You don't have a crystal ball and who knows how your life might turn out? But having had two of my own, I'll say that having children, while not without its challenges, is one of the most rewarding and enriching things you can do in your life. (And that is not intended to slight those who may not have this opportunity; my deepest empathy to those as well.)

Don't overthink it. Live life.

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You should be more concerned

Oct 16, 2018 at 10:00am

about bringing kids into a terrible world that is pretty much doomed on all fronts. With the environmental and political changes happening, the world is shifting. It is not something I would want to inflict on child or add to by bringing another body into the world for selfish reasons.

If you can't even maintain a fictional future relationship in your head and it puts that much stress on you, maybe you shouldn't be someone that has a child anyways. Don't put that baggage on your potential kids.

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That is possible

Oct 16, 2018 at 10:40am

Life is uncertain. They could die, you could die. Either of you might leave or a war might break out or....maybe none of those things will happen. When you get married or life partnered, don’t settle. Stay together for a few years before you have kids so that you really know and trust them. If you fear being abandoned can you build up a strong community so that if they did leave you, or something else happened, you would have others supporting you? This is all easier said than done. I relate to what you’ve said but my fear is that we don’t have enough money and climate change could make this place uninhabitable for kids if we had them.

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No guarantees in life

Oct 16, 2018 at 1:59pm

If you want kids. You want a husband. That may change. You need to be prepared to take care of kids on your own, if needed. Not just abandonment. Reality check. Your husband may become ill, lose his job etc. Also, most "SINGLE" moms are just raising kids 50% not sure how that is such a burden if they are receiving support and actually have weeks and weekends off , something a regular mother would not.

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