Suicide...a taboo topic.. at least at a dinner party

Why don’t suicidal people tell people how they are feeling? Yes, in hindsight people remember certain hints..but why aren't they so upfront about it. That’s a question that’s posed every time someone commits suicide. Here is the answer: because it’s embarrassing and there is a fear of being judged and not believed. Most people are not believed. Suicide isn’t something that just happens, even though it may be shocking to family and friends. It progresses over years, sometimes decades. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone that you are feeling suicidal. I made that mistake, I told my sister and she was so weirded out she didn’t talk to me for 5 months. That sounds heartless, right? Well it’s not. That’s a normal reaction that people have…. it’s an uncomfortable topic. I was so embarrassed after I told her. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone else. Even my counsellor or my doctor. It’s a deep feeling of shame, that yes, I feel like such a failure that I rather end my life then continue. That’s why suicide always seems “sudden”, but as someone who has dealt with suicidal feelings since I was 14, and I’m 37 now, I’m telling you its progressive, it's humiliating, it is deep feelings of gut-wrenching fear, shame, and yes guilt. It's a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that never really leaves. It comes in waves. Is my life worse than that person living on the street or people in 3rd world countries...how weak am I? There is nothing outwardly wrong with my life...I'm educated, I have a career, I have a home, I have a family, I have friends...I'm an all-around normal person..right? Tell my thoughts that. I've tried...I've tried therapy, medications, meditation, affirmations..that feeling fades for a bit but comes back in a shocking rage. I’m so afraid of death that’s the only reason why I haven’t done it. I’m afraid of what comes after? What if I fail at my attempt and I end up a cripple? What if it’s not as peaceful as I think it is and I die in agony? Those terrifying last moments…but then I think, well even if I’m in agony for a few hours….is that not better than more years of feeling like this?

15 Comments

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Iseeyou

Oct 17, 2018 at 1:33am

Halt those feelings of guilt & shame. Suffering the way things are happens to rich & poor, high & low. In this country or that, in the now & before. Many feel the way you do, there isn't enough real talk around it. Most recoil & shun those who verbalize anything resembling "negative/dark." compounding the problem.
Think of the person/people/pet that would hurt if you were gone & use that to fight the dark feelings & thoughts. In short create purpose for living from how your departure would effect them.
Weather the dark night,hunker down,find safe allies when the storm brews up. Hold on & know your experiences will help others.
Know you will be able to understand others going through similar struggles. Speak your truth & share your story to let others know...
I hear you, I see you,I feel your Pain & I know those thoughts.
Survive. Fight. Heal.
I respect your struggle.
Genuinely & sincerely.
Please don't go, we need you!

24 6Rating: +18

Ford Prefect

Oct 17, 2018 at 3:04am

You're doing time on planet Earth.
So am I. If you can't find people who think that way, you're talking to the wrong people. I've had suicidal ideation ever since puberty, it's pretty much the norm for me.
The things that keep me around are pretty prosaic. I'd hurt a lot of people if I were to check out. My family needs my help and emotional support - I'm an only child, and there are few children among the immediate branches of our clan. We're all sons, and the others are younger and less switched on.
I live in a cyclical universe that conserves and reuses matter and energy. There is a nontrivial probability that I would just come back, maybe even as a human. People have had it much worse than this throughout history. Why take the chance?
I know enough about money and violence that I could check out with a high degree of confidence, and bequeath much of my wealth to the right people, mostly tax-free. That's not a problem.
But this gig isn't bad, relatively speaking. I've come to acceptance after decades of darkness, so I'll see this through. I've figured out how to make it not suck, mostly.
Hope you find your way, and maybe people like me to talk to about this.

19 5Rating: +14

I’m so sorry

Oct 17, 2018 at 8:00am

I totally understand you...I’ve attempted suicide when I was in high school, I swallowed 2 bottles of pills....and all my mom said was, what are people going to think!? WTF hey??!! As an adult I get depressed and have anxiety and wish I could end it, but I won’t, like you I’m afraid...I have kids and would never want to put them through any pain or suffering. Please take care of yourself, you are worth it...it’s hard to see when you are stuck in the muck, I’m kinda stuck right now myself...I could sleep all day, going to try and maybe go in the holistic direction and see if it helps
Take care sweet angel, you matter

31 5Rating: +26

AFAIK..

Oct 17, 2018 at 8:08am

... it is sort of different now due to underfunding and overpopulation, but a while back, like 10-15 years, if you told a doctor or anyone you were suicidal and they wanted to, they could have you locked up in a hospital without trial. Lately, tho, I have heard stories more like "OK, so you're suicidal. We're busy dealing with people who think Moses is eating their face!" who don't get admitted.

The fact is that telling people you are suicidal can have serious legal consequences even if you're unemployed, to say nothing of if you're a lawyer, physician, etc.

One thing they find about the cross-section of patients admitted to psych wards, no matter the diagnosis, is that on average they have radically lower levels of omega3/6 fatty acids in their blood.

So, eat hempseed and salmon. A pound of salmon a week at least is a good target.

16 7Rating: +9

Paul143

Oct 17, 2018 at 10:19am

Took the words out of my mouth! I thought somebody wrote my thoughts down.. I am in the exact same shoes as you and started around 14 for me as well...I could we live exact carbon life....wish you the best I know how you feel...it sucks

19 3Rating: +16

It is

Oct 17, 2018 at 10:40am

I’m sorry that you go through this again and again. It must be awful and stressful. I started having suicidal thoughts in my early 20s and they come back when I’m going through difficult times. I also find the fear of what will happen after stops me and also not wanting my family to have to deal with the aftermath. The past four years I found a really good counsellor and I worked at loving and accepting myself. I found out what was causing some chronic physical health issues that may have also contributed to my chronic anxiety and bouts of depression. I still get the thoughts but they are way less intense and I often say to myself, ‘these thoughts are leftover neural pathways from the many times I needed to fantasize about escaping my life’. Mental health is different for everyone and my experience is different from yours but I hope you keep looking for ways to alleviate the stress of those thoughts. I hope you find something that helps.

16 7Rating: +9

I'm sure....

Oct 17, 2018 at 10:42am

you can get some online counselling on how to achieve your end goal in an efficient and painless manner.

7 29Rating: -22

Thumbs up!

Oct 17, 2018 at 10:47am

What you said resonates with me. We live in such a harshly judgemental society where we are constantly told that the only acceptable feelings are “positive” ones. I have a theory about the cult-like adherence to this attitude, and I think it can be traced back to the growth of Scientology in the entertainment industry. So many of the popular stars got involved in it back in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, which is about the same time as books like “The Secret” became so popular. Before long everyone was spouting the “think positive!” dogma. While there are many admirable ideas in the concept of being positive, the problems arise when people aren’t permitted to acknowledge any other normal human emotions such as pain, hurt, grief, anger, etc. , without being labelled as “negative”, and therefore bad. Depression is extremely common, and one of the worst parts of dealing with it is feeling like you have to hide it and carry on a pretense of being okay. The shame is still very prevalent, regardless of current public attention on mental health support. Health insurance is notoriously lacking in coverage for therapy, and wait times for publicly funded services are ridiculous. A suicidal or depressed person isn’t always capable of reaching out for help for the very reason that doing so is such a huge risk. Employers still get to ask questions about any history of mental health issues on job applications! As if anyone is going to admit to it, when doing so is pretty much a guarantee that you’re not going to be hired. The misinformation surrounding it is astronomical. Until these archaic attitudes in our society change, I fear that more and more people are going to simply fade out of the picture completely, either by isolating themselves from society or by taking their own lives.

21 4Rating: +17

Paul143

Oct 17, 2018 at 12:15pm

Took the words out of my mouth! I thought somebody wrote my thoughts down.. I am in the exact same shoes as you and started around 14 for me as well...I could we live exact carbon life....wish you the best I know how you feel...it sucks

10 7Rating: +3

Delia

Oct 17, 2018 at 12:54pm

You are loved and you are worthy of love.
I'm sorry your sister reacted the way she did. In a way, it's almost similar to how you now feel - maybe she was scared to say the wrong thing, so she said nothing and avoided it.
Talk to your counselor, talk to your doctor; if you don't feel comfortable talking to them, then perhaps starting looking for new ones and transition over.
YOU have to make the realization that life is worth living - because IT IS, I promise you.

12 9Rating: +3

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