Suicide...a taboo topic.. at least at a dinner party
posted October 16th, 2018 at 11:25 PM
Why don’t suicidal people tell people how they are feeling? Yes, in hindsight people remember certain hints..but why aren't they so upfront about it.
That’s a question that’s posed every time someone commits suicide. Here is the answer: because it’s embarrassing and there is a fear of being judged and not believed. Most people are not believed. Suicide isn’t something that just happens, even though it may be shocking to family and friends. It progresses over years, sometimes decades. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone that you are feeling suicidal. I made that mistake, I told my sister and she was so weirded out she didn’t talk to me for 5 months. That sounds heartless, right? Well it’s not. That’s a normal reaction that people have…. it’s an uncomfortable topic. I was so embarrassed after I told her. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone else. Even my counsellor or my doctor. It’s a deep feeling of shame, that yes, I feel like such a failure that I rather end my life then continue. That’s why suicide always seems “sudden”, but as someone who has dealt with suicidal feelings since I was 14, and I’m 37 now, I’m telling you its progressive, it's humiliating, it is deep feelings of gut-wrenching fear, shame, and yes guilt. It's a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that never really leaves. It comes in waves. Is my life worse than that person living on the street or people in 3rd world countries...how weak am I? There is nothing outwardly wrong with my life...I'm educated, I have a career, I have a home, I have a family, I have friends...I'm an all-around normal person..right? Tell my thoughts that. I've tried...I've tried therapy, medications, meditation, affirmations..that feeling fades for a bit but comes back in a shocking rage. I’m so afraid of death that’s the only reason why I haven’t done it. I’m afraid of what comes after? What if I fail at my attempt and I end up a cripple? What if it’s not as peaceful as I think it is and I die in agony? Those terrifying last moments…but then I think, well even if I’m in agony for a few hours….is that not better than more years of feeling like this?
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