If I did we would be happy. Spell it out. Show me. Stop making it so hard. For fuck sakes, hints and nuances just don't work. How many decades of sloppy sitcoms that are based on misunderstanding and poor communication do you need to see to get how this approach fails IRL? Communicate clearly. Be obvious please!

no guts no glory.

A little leap'll do you...good

You sat by while I was drowning and knowing how I felt used that to antagonize and ridicule. I know games when I see it, I know manipulation when I experience it. Leap into someone else's arms, I won't be there to catch you.

Marrying someone else and having his kid will bring us closer? Awesome! Can't wait to see what other plans you have for our future.

I find it too fucking funny I'm not the only one suffering through this kinda of bullshit . I have a situation that is very similar currently , and I only know that it's not her by the fact that she would never admit here or in hell that she feels something to .

do you want to end your life by jumping off a cliff ?

It terrified me to profess it, but you wanted to know, and there wasn't anything that I wouldn't have done for you. Once you knew, you used that knowledge to destroy me, and you enjoyed it. It made you feel empowered. You never loved me. My life was just a game to you.

If they knew how hard it was, wouldn't they ease up, knowing that they were included in your life by knowing how you've been feeling ? And if you let them know all that you have been doing in making progress, would you have to sell it to them on here? Wouldn't they chill out, knowing that there is at least some movement towards something you both want? Do they know that you are wanting anything that they want?

I'll be that they know something about your being scared but really, if you want them to be a part of their life this needs to come from you directly, not in a random anonymous posting, don't you think? And do they know you're desperate to jump? If you want this bad enough, how come you aren't trying to brainstorm on how to make it happen? And what are these fears based on? Are they based on solid evidence and direct testimony, or are they based on assumptions and hearsay? Are there fears based on reactions that are concerning a general subject or involving you directly? You know that people tend to have different reactions based on hypotheticals involving strangers versus people that are dear to them, right? Did you know that?

You have one life. It is yours to live, not others. And there is overwhelming testimony from people who lived theirs who say the same thing regarding regret: they all regret NOT taking a chance on trying for whatever they deeply wished they said/did/had and realize that the only opinion that matters is their own and ultimately that whatever other people think mattered so little. They wasted so much of their lives paying attention to what other people thought to the extent that they cheated themselves out of what would have made themselves happy. This sad revelation comes from all walks of life, including people who depended on reputation and had the responsibility of social obligation. No matter what, they all realized in their last years that this regret was one they wished they had done differently.

Do you really want that to be you?

Take a chance. Jump. That person you are speaking of will be there to catch you.

I think any steps you take to let me know are things I do not take for granted or take lightly. If, at any time, it comes across this way I am utterly sorry.

I know this much, that wherever we have been, we have had very little private time face to face, and even then our circumstances, i. e. where we would physically be, made us feel like there was too much at stake...well that on top of larger life scenarios. We couldn't truly be ourselves or express whatever was in our minds, and I gather you felt it futile. But somewhere you knew that I knew there was something deeper.

But to use it to hurt you? No, definitely not the M. O. , no way. But I do know from experience that our situation can bring out the worst even accidently, hence the request for private channels; in our situation there are bound to be times where stress and fear create misunderstanding and foot-in-mouth OMF-did-i-just-say-that-when-i-didn't-mean-it stuff. I'm bad for that (I'm trying to work on it, really).

I do not see it as an attempt at seizing power, but I do think there are issues of trust and control. I have to earn your trust. I have blown it accidental once I know, and in a couple of other times I've given weird reactions that surpised myself that I wish I could explain (but there was never a time given the environment). The control is like us on a road trip where you're used to driving but I know the route yet you know the car. We both know the destination and neither knows how to get there unscathed and we bicker over who can take the wheel and when. Instead of working together to maximize our best skills we let fear and pride step in. That's what I see.

Do I love you? Boy that's a little soon, like shouldn't we go for drinks and hang out more first? But I do wish I knew better how to so you never would had to ask. You are in my thoughts and have made it impossible for anyone else to have a shot at my heart, I know that. I don't know that you feel the same way but your angst tells me that you feel something and long for what I long for.

Your life is not a game to me. I just can't do this alone. I can't seem to do this right although I really want to and I sure am fucking up when it comes to non face-to-face stuff like this based on how it's confusing, upsetting and angering you.