Two Face

My life right now is that quote from the Batman movie, "I guess you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I feel like I've turned into all the worst aspects of all the worst people that damaged me growing up. I know that if I were to be a hero, and true to that kind, sweet person that I was, that I wouldn't have actually let any of the drama damage me. I would still be a good person...but I've done so many awful things now that I don't really know if I can be a good person anymore. My impulses are the worst. How do you stop the fear, the paranoia, the psychotic thoughts and tendencies? One moment I'm the face of pure love, joy and peace in your arms...the next, as quick as a thought, I'm Pure Evil and explosive and unwavering in my anger and lashing out at you again. I don't know how to stop it. Can't I just land on the good side and stay there? I don't want to do these things. I don't like feeling like this. I want you in my life, but I'm scared that I'm too broken and all I'll ever keep doing is hurting you and letting us both down. I know who I want to be, but the devil in me is a freaking titan.

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The answer for me

Oct 22, 2018 at 3:52pm

Was years and years of therapy and working at changing my behaviour.

12 7Rating: +5

Meditation and reflection

Oct 22, 2018 at 7:14pm

Catch the thought before it becames and action.

11 5Rating: +6

Riight

Oct 22, 2018 at 8:52pm

So you’re saying that if you’re pure or strong enough or enlightened enough then none of the damage done to you as a child will affect you? Here’s the thing though: I know some people who truly believe that they weren’t affected in a negative way by parents who were a mentally ill alcoholic and a very controlling person. They think that they’ve risen above it. They can think it all they want, but anyone in a close relationship with them can see that they’re fooling themselves. Of course they’re affected and most definitely it shows at times. We’re all just doing our best to find our way in a difficult world, and some damage caused by an abusive childhood can’t just be overcome because you want it to. Like another comment said, years of therapy might help, but how many people have either the money or the time to do that? So i always try to look beyond sporadic behaviour to how the person is on a usual basis, and I also try to find out what’s behind the “sudden” lashing out. In virtually every type of those situations it wasn’t just a sudden flash it was building up over a period of time and just came out unexpectedly. We all need to cut ourselves and others some slack.

11 6Rating: +5

There are a whole lotta “I’s” in your confession

Oct 24, 2018 at 2:04am

Focus on you, and getting *you* better, before even thinking about anyone else ❤️

9 4Rating: +5

Everyone

Oct 24, 2018 at 9:12pm

And everything is broken.

10 3Rating: +7

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