Dealing with Angry, Rude Dad

He's old and angry, never misses a chance to cut me or any of my other family memebeta down. I'm having a hard time keeping my patience and empathy. Unfortunately we all live together so i can't just "never speak to him again" I'm trying very hard to be empathetic and inclusive but I keep getting verbally slapped in the face. Doesn't matter how kind I am- he looks for something to criticize. Most of the time I ignore because I know he loves conflict. I hate conflict since I grew up in a situation living with another male who was constantly aggressive & abusive. I'm having a hard time...any pearls of wisdom would be appreciated. In case it matters I am 49, my Dad is 81 and we all live together with my adult children & husband. The home is large enough that he has his own space (living room, kitchen & bedroom) Give me strength! I have none today

14 Comments

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uknow

Nov 12, 2018 at 4:45pm

you need to confront him

9 3Rating: +6

Here’s a crazy brainstorm.

Nov 12, 2018 at 4:59pm

How bout you and your husband and your adult children all live apart.
What kind of dysfunctional, twisted family all lives together like this as grown adults?
Financial reasons? Sorry, if you , your husband and your adult kids all work something is way off with you.

Stress/Depression?

Nov 12, 2018 at 7:51pm

Both make a person very irritable. Not sure what is going on for your Dad. If he has pain, boredom or lost someone recently. It must be hard being old.

8 5Rating: +3

Anonymous

Nov 12, 2018 at 9:29pm

He's going to be dead soon.

Think of it! Your problems will soon be over.

6 5Rating: +1

Thank you for the helpful comments

Nov 13, 2018 at 9:39am

TO the people who took time to post, I will consider what you said.

Tot he troll who thinks there "must be something wrong with us" -are you my Dad? Sounds like something he would say!

8 3Rating: +5

Kudos to you!

Nov 13, 2018 at 10:32am

Living in a multi-generational way is difficult, that's why so many north american don't do it - rather they spend lots of $$$ to warehouse or ignore their older generations. You can see some of that thinking in the suggestions above.

Caregiver burn out is a very real thing, so try to find some time for yourself where you can, to help build resilience. I would suggest trying appreciative inquiry with your nasty oldie - ask him outright, but without anger, why he feels the need to be nasty. Like in the moment - if he's just said something cutting, look him in the eye and ask "what was the point of that remark? ".... wait for the uncomfortable blustering & excuses, listen to the truth hidden there ... things like (well I know about this topic but no one asked me or you all think you know better than me or it's the only time you listen to me) can be resolved with more discussion. Things like - because you suck or had to be said or because you are all dumbasses - these cannot be resolved based on discussion. Answers like that will need to be resolved by either asserting your need for less negativity (well then I'll just stop listening to you altogether or I'm tried of unkind remarks, what will get you to stop? The secret is to make what is happening explicit - bring it out in the open instead of everyone ducking their heads and feeling bad. I would even go to a 'oh another nasty remark from you - how boring' or some other kind of way to tell him you see him, you see what he is doing, and you don't appreciate it.

9 3Rating: +6

Hi OP

Nov 13, 2018 at 10:36am

Sounds like a weird situation...

Why would you choose to have an abusive parent live under your roof!?

It's your roof!!! If you're going to allow him to live under it, and he's abusive, stand the fuck up for yourself and confront him - in his face. He's probably been waiting for that for 49 bloody years, and he'll chill out when you do.

If you don't and you continue to allow him power over you (under your own roof!), then I'm sorry, but you deserve what you get.

2 5Rating: -3

Or....

Nov 13, 2018 at 11:19am

If this wasn't his pattern of behaviour before, it may be dementia - as the condition progresses, patients may become angry and verbally abusive.

9 1Rating: +8

This Sounds Awful

Nov 13, 2018 at 5:22pm

To be frank, I’d say stop talking to him. Let the bastard live in silence. If he can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. You can remind him that, that is a lesson for preschool children.

6 1Rating: +5

been there

Nov 14, 2018 at 11:32am

My dad was a horrible person but I never had to keep living with him. It is best to separate yourself from toxic people but it sounds like you can't do that in your situation. My dad died in August and it was the biggest relief for how abusive he truly was. I don't miss him one iota. Advice? Tell him how you feel but I wouldn't expect any changes and yes, the other post saying he may have dementia is spot on. Some folks you just can't fix. I hope for your sake and your family that this gets better. Hang in there!

3 1Rating: +2

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