Keeping secrets

posted November 20th, 2018 at 4:37 AM

I’ve been reading some comments to posts talking about abusive people and noticed that there’s this theme to many of them suggesting that the person who is talking about it should “take the high road” and not talk about it, or they shouldn’t consider it abuse because they were just incompatible with their partner. I say bs to that. Telling someone who has been the target of their partner’s emotional or mental abuse that they shouldn’t tell anyone else about it is no different than telling someone who’s been the target of someone who physically assaulted them to keep it a secret. We tell children to tell us if they’re being bullied or if someone has been touching them in appropriately. We should be teaching everyone about emotional and mental abuse too. The damage done to a human being from this type of treatment can be totally devastating and can last a lifetime, especially if the victim is encouraged to believe that it didn’t happen or if it did it was no big deal and maybe it was even their fault. People who beat up someone else with their words or cruelty don’t get thrown in jail or face any type of consequences in a legal sense like might happen to someone who physically beats someone else. Shaming a victim into keeping their secret does nothing but ensure that the abuser gets to keep on abusing others. I think the people who are the most vocal about not telling are the same ones who are instrumental in protecting the abuser by trying to portray their victim as a vindictive crazy person with no credibility.

6 Comments

So am I

Nov 20, 2018 at 10:31am

Yes finally! Someone agrees with me. I’m tired of this “take the high road” superficial bullshit. I don’t like to take shit from anybody and if there’s something I need to say, I’m going to say it.

Men and the Police

Nov 20, 2018 at 2:53pm

This is the #1 issue for men in emotionally abusive relationships. If they go to the police they ask directly "is your safety being threatened" and anything less is met with a "nothing we can do about it"

reverse the scenario and men can get railroaded at every turn.

@men and

Nov 21, 2018 at 12:57am

Do you think it’s any different for women? I was actually physically stalked for several years by a guy, and the cops did nothing. Unless you’re being physically assaulted and have lots of proof of it, the police aren’t going to do anything regardless of your gender. The post specifically mentioned that.

@Men and the Police

Nov 21, 2018 at 10:17am

I have an ex who had serious mental health issues---one fine day, she had a meltdown. She threatened me with a butcher knife. She threw a mason jar at me. She picked up the first guitar I ever bought, smashed a hole in the wall with it, damaged the guitar. Then, realizing she had done all sorts of criminal things, she started screaming at my like I was attacking her. She then proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom, telling me I had "driven her to behave this way." She had a knife, would not let me into the bathroom.

So, I called the police. The upshot of all of this was that Constable told me to take a 24 hour holiday, check myself into a hotel. She wasn't arrested, wasn't charged, who knows if they even flagged her as "mentally unstable" like they do for many men who dare raise their voices to officers.

It's just a big scam we have going on here.

You have to speak up

Nov 21, 2018 at 10:48pm

Stop with gender focus. Abuse happens to both men and women and is equally ignored for both. Nothing will change if NPD's and others are allowed to abuse. I have been experiencing violence, stalking. threats, destruction to my property to the point I will never recover. I have been vocal. The worst part is the community is looking the other way. If it continues I think I may have to leave secretly and move far away. Not before I do a nice long interview and expose with the media.

Conflicting objectives

Nov 23, 2018 at 2:15pm

Of course there is an excuse or even a duty to disclose serious harm, abuse, a pattern of harassment or degradation. You are under no obligation to keep secrets.

And yet. There is a well established principle of not kissing and telling, which is to say, not betraying confidences of a friend or lover. And it is ugly in the extreme to vilify an ex with petty disclosures.

So if they are petty, shhh. If they are serious problems, disclose.

Where is the line? Well that's up to you.