I ended a long relationship with a controlling narcissistic bully. The ensuing grief and confusion about what happened and how it happened is finally starting to pass, and this is what I’ve learned. Maybe my experience can help someone else. He loved me he said. For my beauty and brains, for my art, for my financial success, for my love of nature and animals. He loved my body, even it’s flaws. He praised me. We laughed all the time. We read each other’s minds and finished each other’s sentences. I’d never met anyone who made me feel so in love. Before long he was at my place all the time. But.....there were these red flags. He’d get really angry if I disagreed with him. He always told me how things should be done, but if I did the same to him he’d snap angrily. He bragged a lot about how great everyone else thought he was, and told the same stories about how many physical fights he’d won in the past, over and over. He needed constant admiration; either for his art, his handsome appearance, how funny he was (he was always “performing”), what he’d done for other people, you name it. Bit by bit he started criticizing me and undermining my accomplishments or my goals. He wanted me all to himself so he complained and sulked if I wanted time without him. Eventually my world was revolving around him, but it was never reciprocal. He spent time with his friends whenever he felt like it and I wasn’t allowed to question him whatsoever about what he did when he wasn’t with me. After a while he stopped wanting to go out like we had done, for dinner or breakfast or just antique shopping or basically anything else. We either stayed in or we went walking or biking, but that was the sum total of “going out”. I became so confused and anxious. Being with him was like walking on glass. When he shone his light on me it was the most amazing feeling in the world, but when he took it away it was hell. Whenever I’d get completely fed up and we’d fight, his reaction was extreme. Eventually he’d start the love -bombing again so I’d think everything would be okay. The up and down cycle was exhausting. I became depressed and anxious. My work suffered, my other relationships suffered, and I stopped even remembering who I’d been before we met. He continually built me up just to tear me down, until I was so broken that I didn’t recognize myself. Finally though, after seeing many different counsellors and being told by each of them that I was likely dealing with a narcissist, I researched it thoroughly and realized that I had been emotionally abused for a very long time. Somehow I found the strength to end it for good, and even though I’ve got a long way to go to recover from almost 20 years of torment, I can see the light and I know I’m going to make it. For anyone who might recognize your own relationship in what I’m saying, I can’t stress enough how vital it is to get help and get out, because these people DO NOT CHANGE. Everything will always be your fault. They are perfect in their own minds, and they will mess with your mind and your heart until you don’t know which way is up. Please listen to your instincts. Sorry for the long post!