There was something online ...who was the biggest male star the year you're born. I looked at who was my age. I then looked at an actor who is the same ages as a guy I have a crush on. Seeing the two from an outside perspective made me think. I wondered what the comparative would be if my crush was my age and I was older. I looked up the actor that was as many years older as my crush was younger. When I did, I thought that the older star was cute enough for a fling but eventually the age difference would be such that would not last for anything long term. I'd still have energy and life and he would not. Also, I imagine that the sexual chemistry would drop. After a certain age I'd be too old looking to be attractive. And just like that, I realized my crush was silly. The age difference looked weird when seeing it in strangers. It's not a creepy difference but enough that it would become apparent...both now to outsiders and moreso down the road. Seeing two strangers of the same ages brought things into clear focus. It was bittersweet and revelatory. What I saw helped make it easier to begin the process of moving on. To add to this, I imagined we were both tops as I actually am, and since I am, there's no way it could work if he was. Imagining that possibility helped the turnoff factor. Then the experience factor. The kid has none that I know of. Yup. I'd have to navigate years of their being self conscious, full of angst and fear and the weird reactions as they slowly come out to themselves overcoming all the Christian doctrine they have ingrained in their lives. Oh, the whole thing is a mess. And like that, I realized I need to be with someone my age range and at my level sexually. I need a man who's got courage, both to own their desires and to fearlessly pursue them, and that means being at a basic level of being out, if only to yourself. I didn't think I could do it, but I think I just crushed the fondness I long held for my crush. Wow. Lesson learned. Stick with what's age appropriate and experience similar. Less complications and far less heartache. Hmph. Isn't that something? I have a lot to think about now.