Alarm goes off at 6 AM.

posted February 11th, 2019 at 12:31 PM

First rail racked up before my feet hit the cold floor. Make a coffee. Coffee always tastes better with brandy. Work starts at 630. I'm lucky, I get to work from home. Make money. Have another coffee, perhaps another rail or 3. It isn't even 9am and I've finished my 3rd drink. Work is over. Time to get some fresh air. Feeling paranoid and judged by all the people I pass I pop a xanax as I wait for feelings to pass. Run into a "friend" she comments how fit I look. If only shew knew. Emotions melting away, mental numbness is kicking in. I feel normal enough to have lunch and be in public. I eat half of it. I head to London drugs for some sleep aids. On the way I give my leftovers to a homeless person. He seems appreciative. He tells me to smile. He gets it. I finally smile , because I wouldn't have it any other way.

16 Comments

Anonymous

Feb 11, 2019 at 2:11pm

I've never read a better and cooler confession, ever.

Your post reminded me of my addict past

Feb 11, 2019 at 2:32pm

and reinforced how grateful I am to be sober.
Good luck to you, that current schedule you're on is slow suicide.

Wow

Feb 11, 2019 at 3:08pm

Wow is all I can say. Addiction doesnt discriminate find yourself a higher power is my suggestion and if you don't all the best regardless.

Yikes!

Feb 11, 2019 at 4:17pm

That’s bleak dude.

That was good

Feb 11, 2019 at 4:58pm

Keep going!

Well it seems

Feb 11, 2019 at 6:02pm

That since you work at home and start at 6:30,you are a successful stock or options trader. have any helpful sites to learn,or do you mentor?

Mask off...

Feb 11, 2019 at 8:05pm

It makes me sad to see your post. Im sorry that your in that position, and how you must feel deep down inside. There are so many professionals in this city that are high functioning addicts.
The first step is writing it out as you did; that takes alot of courage... and I'm here to let you know that I care..although you dont know me, you are a human being and sometimes thats how things work. I can imagine it must be hard living a double life.
Reach out. There are people out there that care with no judgement. You can have the financial wealth and the internal wealth. You just gotta make the choice. You're worth it.

Anonymous

Feb 12, 2019 at 5:41am

You have to laugh at the cheap concern for someone most people are jealous of as the guy makes a lot of money.

Thanks for reading.

Feb 12, 2019 at 7:25am

Even I think this should be downvoted more. The life of a well-educated functional addict shouldnt be glamorized.

To the last person, you are correct. I am stock trader. Successful is debatable. I have a stats/cs background. If this is something you want to do, the math is easy. The best advice is to be successful you have to eat, sleep, and shit financial data 10-12 hours a day. If you can watch CNBC all day and understand the basics that is a good start. Beyond that trading is : 15% pattern recognition 35% patience, and 50% emotional control.

Good luck

Sounds like the best year...

Feb 12, 2019 at 8:35am

... of my life, 'cept I would get up, take a bunch of acid, then, like, chill...

It's true a tolerance builds to some of the effects after a week or so, but, like, it's amazing.

Too bad it's not legal, how many people would take LSD instead of Prozac? It was even prescribed like that back in the day, 100ug a day for six months, and a lot of people (and myself) didn't even need it afterwards, we'd been cured ;)