Ghosting

If anyone has some personal words of wisdom, your own words, about how to deal in a healthy way with ghosting, I'm here to listen. Mid-30s shy gay guy here. Life in this city is hard enough in terms of trying to make solid, lasting and platonic friends. Harder still when those that you pour over two years of your life into up and vanish. Sigh.

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When in Rome

Feb 15, 2019 at 11:19am

Lower your expectations.
This is the preferred modern way of breaking connections, or putting them on ice. It's cultural.
There have been many postings here, advocating ghosting as the sensible, and even the kind choice. I've also seen lots of articles in the media over the last couple of years, saying the same but in long form.
Who's got the time to give other people closure? It's a busy world we live in...
I'm not a fan.
It lacks courage, character, consideration (there, those relationship C's again) and anything else you'd like in a partner. But at least the ghosters show you directly that they're sh*tty. Take their (absence of) word for it, they would know.

8 6Rating: +2

it gets better

Feb 15, 2019 at 11:33am

eventually you forget about it and a new, better friend will take their place.

8 7Rating: +1

Go and join...

Feb 15, 2019 at 1:03pm

...a soccer team. Play year round and meet all kinds.

6 4Rating: +2

I know all too well...

Feb 15, 2019 at 1:19pm

Been ghosted many, many times. I know I must be part of the issue. Common denominator, right? Still, it hurts after 10 solid years in the bag and then someone is just gone without explanation. I’ll never figure out why. It’s shitty.

13 3Rating: +10

I know u asked for personal words of wisdom

Feb 15, 2019 at 1:19pm

so hope u don't mind if i quote one of the greats of our generation - Paulo Coelho ... "Winners focus on winning; loosers focus on winners."

7 9Rating: -2

Nothing anyone does is because of you

Feb 15, 2019 at 1:37pm

Everyone is living their own reality. Once you teach yourself to not take things personally, you’ll rid yourself of needless suffering :)

7 9Rating: -2

Anonymous

Feb 15, 2019 at 2:12pm

Take classes and find a hobby. Stay distracted. Go to meetups. Remember that there are lots of other shy people out there, too. I've actually met friends through dating apps. Just specify your situation, say you really need some quality friends, and ask them on a friend date.

It's so sad that you got ghosted, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. This wasn't about you, I promise. People get busy and change, and sometimes find their friends don't fit the same way any more.

Making friends and keeping friends gets harder as you get older. So don't think it's about you. It's just how it goes. It's shitty.

7 1Rating: +6

Let’s get one thing straight...

Feb 15, 2019 at 3:25pm

There’s NOTHING kind about ghosting. It’s a shit thing to do to someone.

19 4Rating: +15

I hope this helps you

Feb 15, 2019 at 5:42pm

It's awful to go through, and the best thing is to take your power back.
First, this shyness thing needs to go. Understand that it's because you fail to see how wonderful you are, and that insecurity is making you afraid of testing who you are in the eyes of others. Are you perfect? No. Nobody is. Accept or change what you do not like and own what you do or cannot change. If someone doesn't like you, learn that they either have the same qualities and don't like a mirror or they do not mesh. Either way, it's their issue if you are doing your best. You will never make everyone happy, and your job in life is to first start with making you happy, followed by sharing that new found inner love with others.
Once you reasonably get that, then you will feel more empowered to face others' immaturity. That is what ghosting is. Immaturity and selfishness.
I chase those f***ers down, I am relentless and I get closure. I do not let them have this weak escape, and I face what they have to say. They may be right, they may not. But I make sure that ghosting is not acceptable and get my closure. And I come equipped with a well-thought out polite way to tell them off...gently and with kindness...a high road way (except for ***holes; they get a face full of real). And then move on, contemplating whether I need to update anything or to see that it was best that they were gone due to their shortcomings that they attempted to project on me. I review what to look for to navigate my way around awful people and, as we are constantly learning, I remind myself I will make mistakes and that's okay.
This does not come instantly. It takes practice. You have to stumble, make mistakes, and actively learn from others and from online sources. Educate yourself on the human condition so you know what is considered normal, what is considered reasonable expectations, what is considered decency, and accept nothing less.
You are not alone. Many feel like you do. The trick is to keep trying. See it as a game (i.e. it's not the end of the world if you screw up), and realize everyone fails in the beginning, so cut yourself some slack. You will, in time succeed, as long as you do your best with a good heart. And I think you will. :)

13 3Rating: +10

I think

Feb 15, 2019 at 10:23pm

This phenomena of ghosting and being offended by it has a lot to do with our involvement/addiction to social media.

When I was a kid, i rarely ever heard about people being sad or depressed that someone ghosted them.

But nowadays, whenever somebody meets anybody new, they often reach out and connect on social media via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, snapchat, and whatever else is out there.

People see and share so many glimpses into every bodies personal life, that it gives a lot of people a (sub conscience) false sense of importance to everyone they know.

Then time goes on as it does, and people drift apart, or just plain realize they dont like someone, and move on with their lives, and the person that gets left behind, feels like someone they have a sincere, close connection with, who in reality, 20 or 30 years ago would have been no more than an acquaintance, has just turned their back on them.

This kind of thing happens so much, that when someone who they're actually close to ghosts them, then its earth shattering.

But, I'm not a psychologist, so, whatever.

4 3Rating: +1

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