Age and introspection

I'm struggling with turning 40 this year. I've overcome a great deal of adversity since I was a child and with health issues resulting from various traumas, but it's been a very difficult journey and continues to be with many other chronic invisible health issues. (Bad genes) From the outside, you can't tell, but it's taken a very heavy toll mentally, financially (I work, but not ft, and push through symptoms to varying degrees every day), and with trusting others. I've finally gotten to a place where I have cut out toxic people, limited contact with toxic family etc. and learned to not have people take advantage of me. Trusting others especially men due to sexual abuse is very difficult. I continue to go to therapy regularly (have for years) and am diligent about my health, but it is to no avail.... My case is complicated....with my physical health issues and mental health is treatment resistant though I still try..... Dating and finding an understanding, kind, partner has always been a struggle. I have taken long breaks after each awful thing, and not dated for 2 and a half years now, and not planning to soon. I think it's too late, and perhaps I'm too broken, and old as men typically want younger women. good, loyal, kind, compatible partners are few and far between. I'm thankful for the few I've met that were in my life in my past albeit a long time ago, but I'm human and we all want to find love and a connection with someone. Friends are kind, and say what a kind, strong person I am, but survival mode is all I've ever known. people from every walk of life, age, gender, and disabilities find love, but it's hard for me to see. Especially as I'm just not ready for it yet, and not trying. will I ever be? It's different as a woman, especially a single woman from my culture. I always held out for the foolish idea of love, but feel it's for other people. I just take things one at a time, continue to see specialists, doctors and get no respite from my mental and physical health issues. Without happiness and health, what does one have? It's a painful existence, especially keeping up a facade being in such pain. (Mentally and physically) My friends want to do something for me, and I just don't want to celebrate, but they said they would. So on a different note, how would you celebrate something you don't want to acknowledge? Not in a good headspace, so please be respectful and tactful with your replies. Thanks


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It's not about 'age'

Apr 18, 2019 at 4:27pm

It's about 'stage.' Yea this world is a challenging curriculum but suggest you practice thankfulness for the beauty & opportunity of life. It's said that if you live on welfare $$ in Canada you are in this World's top 10% of wealth. That's why desperate refugees put themselves at even greater risk to live the opportunities we too often take for granted. Walk Good.


Apr 18, 2019 at 4:41pm

Sorry to hear what a difficult time you've had. For what it's worth, I'd accept your friends' assessment that you're kind and strong; it does sound as if you are a survivor, and from your thoughtful writing, I'm sure the 'kind' assessment is also appropriate.

Birthday dilemma: well, what about doing something that's off the beaten track? Is there something you've always wanted to do? Or something that would simply fill you with joy? If so, I'd go for that. (Ideas: road trip to Whistler and visit the Audain Art Museum? Attend a special event re: something you've always been interested in? Have a picnic somewhere you find beautiful?)

Sounds like they want to show you lots of love and support by celebrating you, and that's lovely - but if the traditional "let's go out for dinner and drinks" kind of celebration isn't for you, suggest something that will spark joy for you, and see if they'll go along with it. And who says it has to focus on the birthday aspect? It could really be about spending time with these kind, supportive people and celebrating that. All the best, and happy birthday!


Apr 18, 2019 at 4:58pm

go out of town if u can somewhere u always wanted to go? or if u cant do that just tell your friends your going out of town. it has worked for me in the past and continues to do so


Apr 18, 2019 at 6:19pm


If you don't want to celebrate it

Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30pm

then don't.

If thinking about it bothers you, think about something else.

What you do is up to you.


Apr 18, 2019 at 9:31pm

You don't have to celebrate a birthday, I don't. Life gives and takes and we are in control because we are adults. I grieved for the loss of my childhood and certain circumstances in my life. I will be turning 46 on April 24, and I am dying. I have cancer and I will "live" until I live no more. Your past has shaped and informed you, you have to move on and "live". -- if I can, you can too.
Happy birthday and I wish you all the best. You deserve love, happiness and good health.

Get out of your own way

Apr 18, 2019 at 10:40pm

I definitely understand that you’re having a rough time. Trust me when I say that I can relate to that. However, you’re the one preventing yourself from enjoying what you can. If you’re lucky enough to have friends who want to celebrate you, then you’re already ahead of the game. Don’t focus so much on any “milestone” because it’s nothing real. It’s just an age like every other one. Taking life one moment at a time is the true key to happiness. Remember that all any of us have is this moment. Try to teach yourself to notice the good things. It can be challenging for sure when things aren’t easy, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Free your mind.

Sounds like me

Apr 18, 2019 at 11:50pm

But as a guy with no assets nor career, no woman will even give me the time of day.

East Van Friend

Apr 19, 2019 at 4:02am

...not quite sure which mental condition you are treatment resistant for, but if it's for depression, the first treatment resistant depression medicine will be available in a few months, Spravato. It was recently available in the US, Health Canada is currently reviewing. Take care.

I’m sorry

Apr 19, 2019 at 7:32am

But this reads more like a victim impact statement than a confession. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and be proud of all the progress you HAVE made, in spite of whatever hardship you have come through. Find some positives and bloody self esteem in the strength you have shown to get this far. Nobody likes people who constantly play the victim for sympathy. That sort of behavior is beneath you. It’s a pervasive and genuinely irritating byproduct of the grievance culture we live in.

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