Talk to her and tell her what you just wrote. My husband told me the same thing. We worked it out. If she doesn’t give you that space after you communicate tactfully then something else is going on.

It's not unusual for people to need decompression after work, and not have much left for others. I remember this from my married years and then later, it was about connecting with my Mom in the evenings. She used to hear me come home from work and head straight upstairs to visit, couldn't catch my breath. We talked about it and then I switched to a short holler downstairs to check in to say "I'm home, see you in a bit" (even if she could hear that I'd arrived, she was just happy to hear my voice). That worked. She just waited for me.
Emotional labour at work, that's another story. Are you a Manager or Counsellor etc? If yes, it's hard to escape, you are constantly coaching and encouraging people; and necessarily, without attention to your self. Work should provide some support. Also, choose your battles. Some may not be in your arena, don't fall in - you are "busy."

It's ok for the ladies to say "Not tonight I have a headache", but based on experience, they get really upset and take it personally if you aren't up for sex with them for what ever reason of your own....

Stop doing emotional labour at work? So you want to be a grumpy ass? I'm sure you know how to flip that switch easily. When work ends so does the bullshit that comes with it. That is how you defeat the "emotional labour" from work. Just like how you leave your personal life problems away from work. Saaaaaaaaame damn thing.