A day like any other

I never had a relationship with my father. He was and is a selfish, self-absorbed tiny man who made everyone miserable in his wake. He ruined every holiday and every birthday, every vacation and every family gathering . He left a message just before Father's Day rambling about hoping I wouldn't hate him for the rest of his life and other nonsense . Whatever, I only heard a few words before erasing it, I finally had enough and decided to block him. If he dies, I'll eventually see something on google. He can keep the inheritance that he dangles, using his money to snag attention like the way a person has porkchops tied to their ears so dogs will approach him. It's a nightmare that I'm glad I don't ever have to see or hear from again. I ignore this holiday meant to honor normal fathers. I use it to celebrate my life and freedom from his awfulness. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to come here. He failed his job, his duty, his responsibility. I owe him nothing. I think I'll get an ice cream.

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With You

Jun 16, 2019 at 11:23am

I'm having a pistachio ice cream.

Your head is lodged in your ass.

Jun 16, 2019 at 2:02pm

It must be because regardless of who and or what your father was/is what you have to remember is, he is your father. Like a marriage for better or worst. If I spent my life focusing on all the shit my father wasn't as a father, rather than what he was. I would have no time to allow others to make my life missable. Think about it, what is life what out misery. Utopian yogurt and if that was the only flavour, how would you know what a shitty tasting type, say plain regular cultured yogurt was. See because we have regular disgustingly so yogurt we know not to buy that flavour. So really you should thank the asshole that was too hungover to remember to flavour the yogurt that day, because of him/her you now understand how delicious Utopian yogurt is. I know it is a bunch of b.s this guy and his shitty must be smoking crack yogurt analogy, but kid believe me there is a lesson in there. Find it, live it and forgive him, you'll feel better.

Fail.

Jun 16, 2019 at 6:01pm

Sounds like you have taken for granted the very life he gave you regardless if he isn't perfect.

He failed at teaching his kid empathy if anything.

You have no idea

Jun 17, 2019 at 4:13am

Those claim I should be grateful, etc cet, you are so clueless. It was a constantly abusive and unhealthy upbringing. He abandoned us while being at home, resentful of being a parent and jealous of his own children. No child should go through that, and if you did you wouldn't say the ignorant things you say, do pull your head out of your asses before you judge. You know nothing of my life. Nothing.
I am allowed to regret being born into that home. Sometimes there are no lessons. Sometimes the wrong person is a parent, and those bad parenting skills leave scars deeper than you'll ever know. I hope you feel that pain so you get what it's like, jerks.

Too bad

Jun 17, 2019 at 6:07am

I know very few people who had perfect parents. Even fewer who had perfect fathers. Yours at least stayed in your life. Lots of fathers just abdicate completely, leaving the mothers to raise those kids alone. My own father was also pretty awful. A totally narcissistic guy who only thought of himself, and caused a lot of pain for our family. On the other hand, he supported us, he loved us in his own way, and I consider myself lucky that he’s still around. I’ve forgiven him and I’ve spent my life as an adult (and parent myself) being accountable for myself, instead of using my bad childhood as an excuse for shitty behaviour. I hope you can get past your anger and learn to put the past where it belongs.

Well....

Jun 17, 2019 at 10:18am

Relationships with our parents can be challenging, no question. And sometimes we don't win the 'lottery' and we get really crappy parents: ones who are difficult to deal with, have personality disorders or other issues, should never have had children, and who have destroyed every opportunity for a positive relationship.

In my experience, people who were lucky and had good or even mediocre parents often don't understand how utterly destructive these relationships can be.

That said (and I'm not telling you what to do, just relating my personal experience) - I had a difficult relationship with my mother but I tried. I was never the daughter she wanted me to be as it was hard to overlook her behaviour, and it had impacted how I viewed her.

My sister had a harder time, and basically cut off all contact.

When our mother died, I had a less difficult time dealing with her passing. My sister - who was estranged from her - seemed to have a tougher time reconciling everything, and I've since read that children who had unresolved issues with their parents can have a much more difficult time when the challenging parent dies.

So - if your father was reaching out (and you'd deleted the rest of his email), I'm wondering if he may, for example, have had a bad diagnosis, or may want to try to rebuild bridges as he gets older and realizes mortality is looming, and he doesn't want to leave things unsaid.

Obviously you don't have to accept the olive branch he's offered; you have choices. But - look ahead and see how it might feel if he was really and truly gone, with no opportunity to rebuild anything at all. Would you feel okay with that? Might there be remorse? That may answer things for you (ie - don't be my sister and heap extra suffering on your head. My Mom developed dementia with no opportunity to rebuild anything as her mind was gone.)

All the best.

@Well

Jun 17, 2019 at 12:00pm

He reached out multiple times and it always ended the same way, too: a few weeks of progress followed by out of the blue rants, accusations, nasty unsolicited messages on my machine, anger that I wouldn't respond, comparisons to other siblings which he'd do the same to. He'd usually call when every other family member shut him out, claiming redemption, seeing the light, blah blah blah. Loneliness, really. But as soon as forgiveness was offered and another chance given, he'd be back to the same cycle of behavior.
We actually asked our parents why they didn't divorce sooner...as children. If he died, the world would be better off. I have champagne on standby for the moment he goes. He is the most miserable person who spreads chaos and sadness everywhere.
I'm not suffering. I walked away years ago and felt zero regret. I has my closure and even when I
spell it out he ignores the finality and pulls stunts like these. I hesitated blocking only in the hopes some paramedic would call from his number to tell me he's gone. But that just keeps the door open for him to call and I've had enough . I posted because father's day reminds me of the awful person who should never have had children, and his calling days before had nothing to do with repairing a relationship. He did it do he wouldn't see another father's day go by with a silent phone due to alienating himself over the years from all his children. It was selfishly driven, and quite typical. I never want this person in my life, neither this one or any other. No remorse in saying do, either. Not a drop.
Not all parents are deserving of infinite chances. Children shouldn't be burdened with having to navigate nor appease the dysfunction they impose on the beings they're trusted to love and nurture. The people angry or, like you, pleading on his behalf have never encountered his kind; all of you'd be singing a different tune if you did, can assure you.
Blood isn't thicker than water and, contrary to conventional wisdom, we can actually choose our family.
Time for more ice cream. :)

29 9Rating: +20

I could have written this post

Jun 17, 2019 at 1:14pm

Difference with me is that my father is dead and I did find out via Google.
Good riddance I say, worst human being ever.
Why the fuck do completely dysfunctional assholes feel the need to reproduce?

Feel the same

Jun 17, 2019 at 4:51pm

About my mom. She can drop dead any day and IDGAF.

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”

Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

16 8Rating: +8

Whatever he did...

Jun 18, 2019 at 8:38am

... apparently you are able to live independently. So, do you judge him by his words or his actions? Seems like you're able to be independent of him, so he did something right.

Maybe show a little gratitude, you snotnosed brat.

9 25Rating: -16

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