All that

I have feelings for one of my friends but I can tell they're not into me that way. I tried to get over that and I'm realizing that although we are similar in a lot of our hang ups, it's not the only way I'd like for us to connect. However, connecting on shared pain has brought about a lot of positive changes for me. I want to connect to them on a little bit of a calmer and happier level. I want to just hang out and do something fun but they usually say no if I ask them to hang out. They only seem to want to hang out on their terms, or in a group, hence my feeling that they want to avoid anything sexy. My confession is that I feel confused on how to communicate. I want to be honest but I'm also just thinking of drifting away for some space. I don't think it would be wise to confess that I'd like to go on a date with them. I think at the heart of it I want to date them and I don't know if I can get beyond the feelings of that for some reason. I have tried my best to get past that but it only subsides when I spend time away from them.

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Run

Aug 13, 2019 at 11:02pm

It's the only safe way.
Dealing with most things directly is too risky. You won't regret walking away.
No one here ever does.

16 4Rating: +12

It's sad...

Aug 14, 2019 at 11:13am

... that people are so immature these days.

For most of modern history, saying 'I'd like to take you to the iced cream social,' or whatever the idiom is, got either a yes or a 'I'm flattered but no thank you' and life went on.

Ain't it funny how in our modern "liberal" society people have less social acumen than they did back in the 40s and 50s? My grandmother talked about men who were interested in her, she gave me the advice you just ask and that women if they're not interested will just say no and everything carries on. I suspect we're de-evolving, IQ is dropping, etc.

3 1Rating: +2

Salacia

Aug 14, 2019 at 2:53pm

We live in a time when the boundaries defining relationships are increasingly blurry: two-people coupledom, friends with benefits, thruples, hookups, codependent friendships, etc. In an ocean of options it’s hard to know what you want let alone navigate the expectations of someone else. That being said, a solid boundary remains between sexy and no sexy in a relationship.

In your post you talk about shared pain and having similar hang ups. You’ve obviously shared a lot with this person to know that. This person must also trust you to have shared personal things. So you two clearly communicate on a personal or even intimate level.

You assume this person doesn’t want more (why?). You’ve tried to feel only platonic feelings and can’t and in fact you want more connection. Ultimately it will hurt or frustrate you to want to fuck someone who does not want to fuck you.

The only path forward is truth. You need to gently ask this person what they feel for you and be open to the answer. If it’s more than platonic, then go forward together openly and honestly. If it’s only platonic then you know and you have no choice but to move forward. Either way, it’s better to know then not. While a fantasy is safe and fun, it’s also fiction and ultimately unsatisfying. So good luck. I’m rooting for you.

10 1Rating: +9

If they don’t have

Aug 14, 2019 at 4:37pm

The same feelings you do-and you seem to acknowledge that..then why are you pushing for alone time with them? Take the subtle hints and leave them alone..maybe you came on too strong and they are freaked out!
They’re just not that into you

3 2Rating: +1

Just tell em

Aug 14, 2019 at 5:59pm

Just tell your friend how you feel so that you can know for sure and be happy and/or move on. On my most recent birthday which was on a Friday, my friend who I liked for awhile joked in front of me and other friends that I should take him to lunch with my birthday money. I thought he was serious so later that day I emailed him to see if he wanted to go to lunch on the weekend and he pretended to be busy even though I know he always does nothing on the weekend because he told me before. Things were awkward for a week and I was sad on my birthday weekend. What a f*cker! After that I wasn't as friendly with him anymore since I was so disappointed that he did that. I am glad he moved away and hope he doesn't come back. I like someone else now but don't have the confidence to put myself out there due to the fear of rejection. Screw it, you only live once, I'll just blurt out "will you go out with me?!" to the next attractive guy I see for practice hahahahaha!!!

5 1Rating: +4

Wavey D

Aug 14, 2019 at 10:15pm

Ask them if they have ever suspected you of liking them and regardless of their answer, tell them that you are tired of holding your feelings inside and that its ok if they dont feel the same way but that you couldnt keep it inside anymore. Its not like you guys spend 1 on 1 time together anyways so there is no risk of making that unbearably awkward.

3 0Rating: +3

Op

Aug 15, 2019 at 1:47pm

Salacia. Thanks. You hit the nail on the head. I know what to do next:)

3 3Rating: 0

re Salacia

Aug 15, 2019 at 3:59pm

there's a third option. You express your desires to someone and they use it as leverage. I assume most people aren't sociopaths but you might win the unlucky lottery and get one who manipulates you when it suits her/him, and it could f*ck you up so bad you are still hung up on them a decade later, writing thousands of confessions. It could happen.

5 5Rating: 0

Salacia

Aug 15, 2019 at 4:20pm

Good luck OP!!

3 3Rating: 0

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