Frustrating

Ugh god I have this horrible thing going on with my mind where I think of all the worst possible most effectively hurtful words for people, and I don't want them to pop in my head. I feel like an insensitive and judgemental human and I really don't want to be. I've seen doctors about this and tried medication which hasn't worked. It feels like its not even me coming up with these words and it is preventing me from fully engaging with other people. I don't know what to do and I'm isolating because of it.

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Aug 16, 2019 at 12:29pm

Some people feel this way when they are hurting inside and their anger or words come out in maybe the wrong way to either hide or try to release their own pain that resides deep inside of them.
Nobody wants to feel unhappy, or hurt others really.
It's like a frightened, wounded animal.
They lash out at first til they feel they can trust you,maybe.
Just Guessing.

Words

Aug 16, 2019 at 12:53pm

I’ve had this happen too. It got so bad that I became somewhat of a recluse for a couple of years to avoid giving off a negative vibe with all of my vicious thoughts. One thing that helped for me has been 4 years of monthly therapy where I was as honest as I could be. It took me a several tries to find the right counsellor but I’ve been going to them for years now and they are non judgemental and compassionate. The thoughts, for me, were part of trauma and a disorder. They aren’t me. Therapy alone hasn’t changed it. I’ve also worked over the years to change my diet, my sleeping patterns, my work, my communication skills, exercise habits, mindfulness, and medication. It is constant work, I’ve asked for support from many of my friends and am blessed that they have opened their hearts to me. I’ve told the closest people in my life what my vicious thoughts sound like. Hateful words in my mind to myself and ones I love, intrusive thoughts and scary day dreams are terrifying and they aren’t me. I am a love, hope and be free kind of person so it is terrifying to see these inner demons and admit that they are some illness in me. That the illness is a part of me but not my core. I’ve also found that through googling online, a lot of people get this. I started practising accepting the thoughts. Like I would say to the thought ‘you are allowed here’. If it was a day dream of me hurting myself I’d let it play out,feel the fear while it happens and then the thoughts usually changed. I was afraid sometimes while holding babies that I’d get hit by a car or that I’d drop them. I’d let the day dream play out and then say, that would be scary but unlikely to happen. I started being able to have that play out while still remaining focused on what is going on. If i thought something mean about someone I would let myself think it and say I’m thinking mean thoughts, that’s fine. Go ahead asshole thoughts have your say. Then I’d say the other normal response thing that would have some space too because I’d allowed the asshole to speak. If you try to block your mean thoughts they get pretty aggressive. Lol. Anyway I hope this helps. I still have all these problems. I just hate myself less for them and it helps me carry on with life. You are not alone. I hope you find some peace in this messed up world.

29 8Rating: +21

Hey OP

Aug 16, 2019 at 5:49pm

It sounds like you may have a form of intrusive thoughts. First of all, don’t beat yourself up or think you’re an asshole - the reason these are popping into your head so much is precisely because you really-really don’t want to have them. Bad people savor their bad thoughts, not fear them or push them away. Our brains are wired to remember whatever we have a strong emotional reaction to, and there is no stronger emotional reaction that fear or disgust (hello, basic survival instincts).

The only way these thoughts will lose their hold on you is if you stop freaking out about them. It is easier said than done, but it is as simple as that. If you need a therapist’s help, please take care to find someone with experience in intrusive thoughts or “pure O” - discussing your moods or childhood, as some therapists may, is unlikely to help you with this particular issue.

Best of luck!

Possible diagnosis

Aug 17, 2019 at 12:54am

As other posters have said, it sounds like you might have OCD - with primary obsession OCD. (Obviously I don’t know enough to diagnose from this). Look into it. If true, it sucks. It’s genetic. But it can wax and wane over your lifespan and you are not alone.

On a side note, I find watching politically inappropriate comedy (for 2019 - it’s a super low bar) like The Office helps. Turns saying and thinking the wrong thing into a comedy :) Thanks to the comedians for facilitating some comic relief.

10 9Rating: +1

Kudos

Aug 17, 2019 at 11:44am

I'm glad you're finally getting help.

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