Online Dating Has Made Us Into Horrible People

The overwhelming amount of choice, the search for perfection, everyone seeking someone really attractive so none of us settle for anyone average looking who would adore us unconditionally, ghosting, bad communication, not caring about how you make other people feel by not responding to their messages, being “too good” for someone (perceiving oneself to be out of someone’s league or better than others), being flakey, bailing on dates, being dumped by “poly” people who decide to see be exclusive so they hurt their casual partners in the process (happened to me with three partners in a 6 month period), emotional exhaustion... the list of things we do on purpose or unwittingly just goes on and on... Sometimes I do some of these things, sometimes they are done to me. I get hurt a lot, I feel inadequate and a failure sometimes because I’m not good enough for some people I date or see profiles of. We’re not intentionally trying to be callous, indifferent, or hurtful but we all do it. Even the nicest people IRL, those who claim to be compassionate, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive (there are many of you in Vancouver) are capable of doing many of these things I list.

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Ive noticed

Aug 17, 2019 at 3:35pm

people use 'poly' as an excuse for all kinds of shitty behaviour. When I hear that word, im out.

19 8Rating: +11

I hear you

Aug 17, 2019 at 3:42pm

The whole concept of a one dimensional 'profile' in order to delve into the most complex of human interactions in contemptible. Perhaps it's time to do yourself a favour and back off from the vapid, insipid pretend world and get out into the real one. Find things to do that make you happy. Maybe you'll find someone, maybe you won't. But you'll be happy. Relationships take time, perseverance and some skillful work. I don't think you'll find those things on tinder..speaking from experience. Make yourself a priority and take the time to figure out what you need to be happy. It certainly can't hurt. Good luck :)

17 6Rating: +11

Not everyone is like that

Aug 17, 2019 at 6:46pm

For example I’m looking for an equal to me girl of roughly the same looks, age, weight, height, race, sexual partners history, social status, education and life values...neither a better nor worse than me. An equal one. But still can’t find it. Now Imagine those people with higher standards trying to find and waiting for their perfect one...

14 7Rating: +7

True

Aug 17, 2019 at 6:56pm

Taking a break from the apps because they seem to be an extreme sport for my emotions and my self-esteem. 8 times out of 10 the connection just isn’t there, and when I meet someone I do hit it off with it very quickly becomes apparent I’m one of their many, many options, with little to zero chance of ever becoming a priority.

Still hoping to run into my soulmate at the grocery store or something.

No Problem For Me

Aug 17, 2019 at 8:48pm

As I gave up talking to women years ago, and focused on my career,investment, and travel.

Naked Dating

Aug 17, 2019 at 8:49pm

Clearly online dating can encourage unhealthy patterns of behaviour, but we all may have unrealistic expectations of other people in the same boat to start with: Everyone's different, but what we all have in common is that we follow a script based on our individual experiences and the tendency is for us to assume that other people follow a similar script; and, when they don't, things fall apart.
With respect to communicating, I don't have the expectation that someone, who I've never met in real life, will respond to a message I've sent them, regardless of what I've written or how much effort I've put into it. I don't assume that my message will be interpreted the way I intended or hold any interest for the recipient. I don't assume that they have the same understanding, desires, or motivations. Ultimately, I don't actually know their situation or what they're going through. I just try to be decent and move on. I don't think myself perfect or unworthy - those are not meaningful thoughts to have.
The fact is that our expectations can set us up for failure in searching for connections and relationships. Wise folk say that learning more about and improving one's self-awareness and social awareness can help us navigate complex social interactions with less hardship.
All that being said, online dating can be a magnifying glass. Online dating hasn't made horrible people of us all; the truth is some of us already were.

Interesting

Aug 17, 2019 at 11:43pm

I find it easier to be nice to everyone (except jerks) since I've become a perma single.

16 7Rating: +9

Yup

Aug 18, 2019 at 7:42am

This why I no longer do online dating anymore. I prefer my single quiet life just the way it is. Wouldn’t change a thing about it.

15 4Rating: +11

Anonymous

Aug 18, 2019 at 12:24pm

I never read your whole post but you probably still use online dating, don't you? Quit your phone and someone will find you without that dating app.

Anonymous

Aug 18, 2019 at 1:06pm

That's why I have never signed up for it and never will. If that's the only way to meet dates these days then I will be remaining happily single for the rest of my days.

15 5Rating: +10

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