Wherever you go

posted August 13th, 2019 at 7:28 PM

Thirteen years ago I fought my way back from a bad depression with bi-weekly therapy and grueling honesty. I was thereafter, all things considered, happy in a stable relationship with a solid career plan for a decade. The relationship ended badly a year ago. Two years of increasing anxiety that came with the death of that relationship have depressed me to the point that I’ve lost my drive, my optimism and my hope. In the last 12 months I have tried to laugh it off, drink it into oblivion, eat it numb, distract it with Netflix and “weekend escape” it away. But wherever you go, there you are. I know that this isn’t a failure, but it’s hard to be back in the darkness again.

4 Comments

Honesty

Aug 13, 2019 at 10:45pm

I have a suspicion that your relationship loss might have been due to the escaping all those years. Did she know how you felt? Did you ever tell her that you wanted to be with her? Don’t numb it out. Feel the loss. It’ll hurt a long time, possibly years, but it won’t last forever if you learn to grieve it. Then get back into therapy if you need it. It’s going to suck when you start allowing yourself to feel because it might bring multiple layers of pain and make you messy to be around for a bit. It’s better than blocking off because then you’ll only half try at life. “Wherever you go, there you are” only applies if you allow yourself to be there. Lastly, Stop listening to other people’s conversations.

Deferrals

Aug 13, 2019 at 10:51pm

The day of reckoning can absolutely be delayed. With sufficient determination, denial and chemicals.
At the end, there's no way past, but through. I experienced that grief as a crushing depression, about 3 years before my divorce was final. Nobody realized what was happening, and even I was oblivious for much of it.
I don't drink or use substances, so that wasn't an option. Some people say sex is good for this, but my attachment style is too intense for that to help. Not for lack of trying.
Couldn't avoid grieving for what once was. No getting around that, on the way to getting over it.
Making a relationship, ANY relationship, part of my identity, is hopefully not a mistake I will ever make again. Slow and painful learner, me.

Smoother journeys.

The real McCoy

Aug 14, 2019 at 6:14am

I will always be around
Down by the river
Close to nature
(Up to your knees)
Getting with the flow overcomes every anxiety

Would you like

Aug 15, 2019 at 11:56am

Some cheese with all that whining.
No body Cares.
Theres no help.. I 've checked.
If you have your own place where you can go and just shut the door and breath in some fresh air. Relax for a breif moment, collect your thoughts.. Zen it out!!
You"ll be fine.
Has it ever really been medically documented that someone can die from a broken heart.
Billions of lonely hearts out there boys.
U just gotta try a bit harder.
Stop Whinning.
If your not dead well life can be whatever you like it to be.
Is'nt trying half the fun anyways.