I will read that book

I think I'm realizing how alone i am. I never know anyone or what they're doing talking to me; I never know what they'er capable of or how capable they are of changing. I can't communicate with anyone because it usually means having to constrict my already constricted social world, because I don't know if they'll understand or simply shake me off. It's fucking annying because I feel like I'm forced to be in constant contact with people I don't trust who don't want anything to do with me, and honestly, I don't want anything to do with them either. I had all this value on sharing but it was fucking bullshit, share one thing doesn't mean you will continue the relationship of sharing. I know you can never fully know someone but I feel like I have to put a guard up always and recognize the impermanence. I have lifestyle that suits independence, but I didn't realize I was aching for something until I fell for some words, but once again, just a moment. And I always, always, always regret dedication.


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So uh...

Oct 18, 2019 at 10:43am

What book are we talking about exactly?

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What kind of sharing?

Oct 18, 2019 at 10:54am

Perhaps your idea of sharing is robbing, and depriving a person blind just to go share it all with someone else?

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You get as you give

Oct 18, 2019 at 12:58pm

Is it any surprise you're alone? Many others can tell when you engage with reluctance and suspicion.
Independence and solitude are very different than isolation and alienation. Your lot is the latter. By choice. Out of fear.
To be clear, I'm a misanthrope and a curmudgeon. But only a select few know, because I'm very much the cheerful, relaxed cynic. It's rational to hate the game, but refusing to play is worse.

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I tried

Oct 18, 2019 at 1:53pm

To understand. Honestly I did, but you are all over the place.
You contradict yourself from one sentence to the next,and even in the same sentence.
And some just don't make any sense.
Please rewrite this if you can, with some punctuation.

Sorry OP

Oct 18, 2019 at 1:53pm

This post is a confusing mess, but I guess the intended for will understand

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What would make it right for you?

Oct 18, 2019 at 5:35pm

For the sake of argument, lets just say you're in love with me, and you believe that I'm in love with you. I give you a queue to show your feelings for me, and then you put enough trust in me to write down those feelings from your heart and give them to me. In turn, (perhaps just out of fear of having you, and then losing you) I take those words you wrote down, and I use them to humiliate you, and destroy your life with both socially, and non socially. Then maybe after that I send you word that it was all a misunderstanding, throw in some excuses for it, and then have you come back to me just so I could end up rejecting you all over again. This causes you to have a total mental breakdown for several months, followed by a suicide attempt, which ultimately ends up with you being hospitalized for a month. You then become too afraid to put your heart on the line again for anyone else as you watch me go procreate with another for years to come.
The question is, if I eventually realized what an evil piece of evil crap I was to you (because I was cowardly, or vindictive, or a vindictive coward), what will it take for you to trust, respect, and care about me after all that again? What would I have to do, to make it right?

@What would

Oct 18, 2019 at 7:31pm

I don't know D, do you own a catwoman outfit?...

re What

Oct 18, 2019 at 8:59pm

First of all, for this whole time, I never told you anything but that I like spending time with you. I never said more or less. At times I might have decided not to see you or be distant as we agreed and then turned from my decision cause I wanted your company, so this might have made me look like I'm manipulating you. Let that be my mistake. But being accused of turning people against you? This just gets me to the point where I start to get scared of how much you construct. You say you don't trust anything I say, so I guess you will believe whatever you want to when you sense I am acting like your enemy, and perhaps that will make you act like an enemy to me. I don't want this. I have no motive to manipulate you into loving me or acting like your enemy, because I neither love or hate you. I like you as a person, as I've always said, but honestly sometimes feeling that my actions are under surveillance, and having to feel the need to explain myself to you is frustrating. I just want to let things go, be neutral, behave easygoing. For your own sake, don't try to read people too much, or else of course you're going to find slips here and there in everyone's words/behaviours that can be over-analyzed. I can't see why people wouldn't want to hang out with you, you're fun and interesting. We couldn't finish our conversation and I felt like I had to write this mail. Sorry if I sound harsh.

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@ What would make it right

Oct 18, 2019 at 9:11pm

Number one, I think you should take some time to connect with yourself. Get to know your light and shadow sides (we all have darkness) and befriend your inner demons (know thy enemies) so that patterns that cause hurt and block happiness can be recognized and transcended.

As for what to do from there? The answers lie inside of you. Being clear with your intentions, consistent with your actions, and open to listening compassionately can never hurt.

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me me me me me

Oct 18, 2019 at 9:30pm

You are wayyy too into yourself. Perhaps you need to read more in between the lines 'cus you are over interpreting basic human interactions.

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