Sex and/or love.

One of my buddies whom I've known forever has recently started a relationship with a person with whom he is, by his own admission, very sexually compatible. He's very happy as it can be difficult to find someone whose libido and preferences match your own. While I'm happy my buddy's having a great time (and seems much more relaxed! ha-ha) he's told me that he's in love and is thinking of marriage. I think he's mistaking great sex for love and they're just not the same thing. Love and sex are linked, for sure, but they're not the same. His new partner travels quite a bit for work so, cumulatively, they haven't spent much time together and, when they are together, they're busy making up for lost time. I don't want my friend to get hurt if it turns out, as I suspect, that his partner is just enjoying a fun, physical relationship with no thought (or expectation) for the long term while my friend's out shopping for engagement rings. I worry that if I say any of this to him he'll think that I'm jealous and unsupportive. He's my oldest friend and I just don't want him to set himself up for a messy, painful fall. Maybe I'm projecting my own issues onto him?


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Nov 18, 2019 at 10:22am

My experience has taught me that no one appreciates the interference by others into their own love life. Your role as a friend isn’t to tell him what to do, it’s to be there to offer support. If he asks for your opinion, you might just ask him leading questions about why he’s in such a hurry to get married, given the situation. Otherwise, zip it.

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Nov 18, 2019 at 10:38am

Never, ever, ever-ever a good idea.
Interfering in other people's romantic or sex life is not friend behavior. Unless they're in physical danger or like that.
Almost always ends badly, often for all parties. Pursue this at your own risk.
Unless he asks you. Then proceed with caution. Lay out your concerns. Once. And leave it at that.

Or you could jump right in. It's a complicated situation, and you have limited insight. What could go wrong?

35 7Rating: +28

I would say you are in the wrong...

Nov 18, 2019 at 11:51am

... it's his life, if he wants to ask a girl to marry him, do you know how many guys never do that? When I was younger, I had a few opportunities, and, stupidly (thanks boomer education system that made us think marriage and kids was something you 'earned' rather than something you did, then scrambled to take care of) I didn't ask any of the women I could have married to marry me.

Now I am middle aged and too old, realistically, to have children, plus there are a lot of other factors---I am also, realistically, too poor. But the point is, if I had married, had a kid at 25, you can damned well bet that would have been better motivation than the last 15 or so years of just...drifting...

Please don't crush his dream, reality does that often enough.

33 9Rating: +24


Nov 18, 2019 at 7:15pm

hmm how would i phrase that... i think some guys can now a day get lost in a future dream and not take all account of the present. maybe suggesting ways the could spend more time together like travel together on one of the trips and gently suggest them spending more time together. maybe dont bring up the ring question and then dont push it. but its not like tgeres a test or anything.

0 0Rating: 0

Don't be jealous

Nov 18, 2019 at 7:40pm

Although your friend may brag about their great sex life (which should be great between all spouses), that doesn't mean he's going to tell you about everything else they share between themselves.

13 5Rating: +8

@ I would say

Nov 18, 2019 at 8:08pm

The OP never mentioned their own gender or the gender of their friend's partner, and likely misrepresented the gender of their friend, and their relationship to them as well.

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@@ I would say

Nov 18, 2019 at 9:59pm

"He's very happy "

So, the sex is male. I do not believe in gender, you'll have to suck my brains out before I believe in anything that only exists in testimony, what is this, the medieval period? How many angels do you see?

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Delusions of adequacy

Nov 20, 2019 at 8:56am

Explanation please!

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Been there

Nov 21, 2019 at 3:40pm

Done that. I would advise him NOT to rush into marriage while riding the high of the honeymoon stage in dating. You feel like you are on cloud 9 and everything is perfect and 1000% compatible. But you don’t really *know* a person until you’ve spent at least a year together (preferably even living together). Great sex is only 1 very small component of a successful marriage. Investing a year in dating and really getting to know a person is worth it, before spending your life with them. He’ll be amazed how many quirky little day to day things the other person does can drive him crazy. Maybe they’re a slob, bad with money, talk big but don’t follow through, etc. There are many facets of compatibility that go beyond mere sex.

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50% of Marriages Fail

Nov 22, 2019 at 9:55am

Why? Rushing into things. It’s like the saying “don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” Well, “don’t judge a Potential LTR on the initial great sex .”

And if you are a true friend, don’t be afraid to speak up. I hate the millennial mentality these days where you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, let people make their own choices, live their lives and you live yours in your own little bubble, coming out of your shell only through social media. Cut the crap and MAN UP. A TRUE friend will watch out for him, and have that heart-to-heart reality check with him. It may or may not work out, but he should not rush it. What IS the rush?? What would change if you put a ring on their finger? Why not start by moving in together and see how that goes? It’s easy to get married, but it’s HARD to maintain it — especially if you really don’t REALLY know each other yet.

4 6Rating: -2

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