you won't know until it happens to you

The amount of times I hear people say "I'd never put my parent in a home" makes me sad, mad, and exhausted, all at the same time. We never thought we'd have to make that choice, either. What people don't realize is that there is an end to the road of at-home caretaking, for SO MANY PEOPLE. Whether it's because they can't afford in home care 24/7, they can't afford to *quit* their jobs because they want to be the 24/7 caregiver, or they can't change diapers on an 80 year old, or their parent doesn't know them (or seem to like them!) anymore, or whatever. WE HAD NO FUCKING IDEA how life would take such a crazy, painful, horrible turn for the worst. We had no idea that the person who loved and cared for us our whole lives became a dead weight that took 3 people simply move from a bed to a chair. Try doing that at home without a bed, or a lift, or a wheelchair, or superhuman strength. So if you don't know, just keep the thoughts to yourself. You won't know until it happens to you.


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Nov 21, 2019 at 2:50pm

Sure, if they need that 24/7 hospital like care, but many people just ditch their parents simply because they can't be bothered. My mother became pretty close to my step father's step mother, and when my step step grandmother was laying in her death bed her real daughters were there in the room going through her things, and they were arguing about how they were going to split her stuff up. My mother was sitting by her side, holding her hand, and disgusted the way her daughters my were acting. My step step grandmother opened her eyes one last time, looked at my mother and said "I love you, I love you, I love you", and then she died.

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You can only do so much

Nov 21, 2019 at 3:33pm

In home care is not a good option for the majority of people. Unless there are several healthy, physically and emotionally strong caregivers to rotate the toll; in home care is not a good option. A lack of financial and professional flexibility on everyone’s part? in home care is not the best option. Do you have a large house? Can you maintain it, your professional, personal and caregiver obligations concurrently?
You finally did the responsible thing because caregiver burnout especially among young adults in the prime of their earning years has profound effects on their immediate family, children and the economy. Most importantly, unless you are one of those lucky few with multiple siblings, financial resources and everyone lives near each other; you won’t be able to deliver safe care.
If you would have continued to do things yourself you would have done more harm than good.

13 6Rating: +7


Nov 21, 2019 at 4:36pm

My uncle needs, NEEDS, to go into a home but apparently he doesn't meet the strict criteria to get into one. Well, he's facing eviction right now and he can barely move. Can't walk by himself anymore. Limps around. He is not able to live independently anymore. What the fuck do I do now. I am his only help and I cannot take care of him.

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It's because...

Nov 21, 2019 at 4:39pm

.. the Government spends too much money on six figure humanities profs and bus drivers making 60k.

Apparently wages for workers are more important than healthcare, go figure.

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Nov 21, 2019 at 8:25pm

We’re going through this exact situation right now. Unless you’ve been there yourself, you have no clue just how difficult it really is. My siblings and I aren’t young ourselves. We haven’t got the necessary financial resources or the physical requirements needed in order to truly do the nursing care for our parents. To make it even worse, they don’t live close by, and they’re very unwilling to make the necessary changes. It’s been hell and it’s only just begun.

20 3Rating: +17

Each case is different

Nov 22, 2019 at 8:25am

What does "a home" mean. There's a range from lightweight assisted living to extended care in a hospital, or hospice. I never wanted my Mom to go to an assisted living facility. When she found out she had lung cancer, she moved in with me and spent the last five years of her life there. I couldn't have imagined her being alone with strangers in a facility instead of at home with us. My heart would have broken. She stayed right up to the point of hospice, a few weeks before she died, because she didn't want to pass away in the house.
But my one of my in-laws had Alzheimer's, and that was a whole different situation. Their stay at home with a family member had to end much earlier out of necessity. I wouldn't have had the strength or practical capacity to deal with what went on there.

12 2Rating: +10

Depends on the home

Nov 23, 2019 at 4:41am

I know of one that's quite nice. Not that I'll ever receive that kind of care. I'll probably end in the river. But by then the zombie apocalypse will give it an inviting allure

2 4Rating: -2


Nov 23, 2019 at 9:59am

My father is on the brink of not knowing what to do anymore. He used to leave my mum alone for an hour or two to do the shopping. Now he can't even leave the house. When I was visiting the other day she was very upset and was worried she had shit her pants. Apparently this is not the first time it's happened. My dad and I had spoken about getting more help earlier that day. He is waiting for assistance and it is taking longer than expected for him. Our family had said much earlier that this help was need then. I wish he had been more aware of the time it takes for assistance. So for now I will continue to help him and hopefully he can get the assistance they both need sooner than later and it is later. My thoughts are with you, whatever you decide or can manage for yo and your family

4 3Rating: +1

A promise

Nov 25, 2019 at 11:09am

I promised my mother I would never put her into a home but as time and reality hit, I and my siblings were unable to properly care for her, all for different reasons. She ended up in hospice and that was for the best, there was no way any of us could take care of her and she understood that. It is a very tough, emotional decision for families and each case is different but the strain is the same. I agree with @Understandable, the vultures that show up are disgusting, I am still dealing with that aspect over two years later of my mother's passing. Good luck with this, it is very hard but you will get through it. Advice to @Anonymous - keep pestering, calling, writing to everyone in the loop on getting your uncle into a home before you have a nervous breakdown. You won't be good to anyone let alone yourself if it gets to that point. You would be appalled at what I had to go through just to get my mother into hospice. I'm hoping for your and your uncle's success, fingers crossed. You might want to try this - Office of the Seniors Advocate B.C.:

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