Leave me alone (or don't)

I used to be super shy, listen to people talk crap about me without saying anything back, and care what people thought of me. In the past year I have become more outspoken, confident, and assertive yet respectful at the same time, which I am quite proud of. Sometimes I am still shy though, which is alright. It is important to help others and take care of yourself as well, but lately I am tired of having to attend events once in a while with people who I used to know that always talk about the same things and it gets really boring. I don't relate anymore. I want to say no thank you in the future, but I am too nice to make an excuse not to go. Sometimes I just want to do nothing and relax when it's my day off. I am fine socializing and spending time with people, yet I need time to recharge, especially since my job is exhausting depending on the week. Some people do not understand that it is a nice luxury to be alone sometimes and they should not take it personally if you do not want to see them. I have family and friends who are nice and I talk to often. It's just that certain people are stressful and it feels like an obligation to see them. I think I need to make more friends my own age who are interested in the same things and/or get a boyfriend hahaha. I'm a female in my 20s btw. Does anyone else feel this way too? Feel free to comment with nice, helpful, respectful advice if you want, or even mean advice. I want to hear it all. Thank you everyone.


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Jan 24, 2020 at 10:06pm

I hear what you’re saying. I have a subset of friends that I see maybe once a quarter. The conversation is literally one channel and it never changes. Their company is OK. I don’t feel particularly elated after hanging out with them, nor do I feel like I learned anything. But they’re reliable for drinks and eating. I hope you can meet new people and also have a range of friends to hang out with. And don’t feel guilty for staying home. Do what you need to do to fill your bucket.


Jan 25, 2020 at 5:36am

Say you have plans if you don't want to meet up with these people. Even if it is plans to stay home and hang out on the couch and watch Netflix. It's OK. Spend your energy on the people that inspire you. Your energy is better served there.

No worries

Jan 25, 2020 at 11:10am

There’s nothing wrong with cancelling a plan and then rescheduling for another time. It’s ok to disappear for a while and then come back whenever you’re ready. Self-care is very important and it gives you time to recharge your batteries. Take your care of yourself.

Most Definitely

Jan 25, 2020 at 11:45am

Scheduling me time is self-care. Personally, I need time away from people, even close loved ones (friends, fam, and significant others). I take myself on a restaurant date or a hike, or relax at home. It's when I can decompress, unpack thoughts/feelings, self-reflect, and recharge. I think it's fine not to relate anymore, or not to feel obliged or have the energy to socialize - folks change and grow, lead busy, often stressful, lives. Cultivating friends and partners that understand this and understand *you* is a much more meaningful place to be - the idea is to live as authentically as one can. I know it's cliché, but the truth will set you free.

Stop being such a wuss

Jan 25, 2020 at 6:29pm

Do what you want. If you need down time, take it! Pathetic that you had to write an advice column for permission. Relaxing or doing something we enjoy in our free time is crucial to our mental and physical health. Believe me, as you get older, if you have kids, you won't have this opportunity.

Eddie Wilson

Jan 25, 2020 at 9:51pm

I'm a loner and have zero shame in doing what I want to do 99% of the time. I have two close friends who know everything about me and I can go weeks without seeing them and it's all good.
You're young and you've already seen the light. Happiness or contentment can only be found within yourself rather than looking to the outside world for acceptance. Do your thing girl!

Same here

Jan 25, 2020 at 9:56pm

I used to be extremely shy as well, I barely spoke and when I did it was in agreeance with everything everyone else said, it was fine then, I didn't have my own thought, opinions or anything else. Now ive done a complete switch over, I speak out and Express myself (in a healthy way) I take up space now instead of feeling like I'm taking up too much air and unfortunately when I changed my friends didn't, they didn't like that I had a voice all of a sudden because my opinions didn't always match up with theirs and they hated it, I still have some friends from the past but I dont really hangout with them all that much, pur life styles are completely different now, they still smoke uo everyday like it's their whole life and drink all the time and I've stopped everything, I've taken on a healthier life style and they keep offering me smokes or telling me to drink and so on. I've been ignoring it but it's getting frustrating . I understand what you're talking about, its hard to change because when you change everything around you starts to change with it and you have to let go of what was and its extremely difficult, I'm a guy in my late 20's, unfortunately I've had to let go of a lot of friends but looking back on where I was and where I am proves that it was worth it. You'll make new friends, find something you're interested in and dive in, find people who are interested as well, take a dance class or something! I hope all is well, take care :)

mr helpful

Jan 27, 2020 at 10:40am

I have no help to offer. You seem to be polite, thoughtful, seeing both sides of a problem - this is how the mature people rise above the wad. It's true that you (and everyone) can have tedious or obsolete relationships yet not want to throw them away - there is no more useful resource than a friend, IMO. So, I challenge you to develop a schedule where you will devote (pick a number) no more than 15% of your limited free time on "maintenance of obligatory socialization" and stick to it.

Wait that was advice.

What I really mean to say is: good luck, you sound pretty awesome!


Jan 27, 2020 at 1:28pm

It's not easy meeting new friends. In my 50s, after kids, grandkids, illnesses, deaths, it doesn't leave many left. Bestie ex attached at the hips and hubby of 23 of years. I can't complain, it's more then lots of got. Good luck meeting new groups!

@eddie Wilson/Can we maybe

Jan 29, 2020 at 10:18am

Just maybe get to the point, so what you used have, not had. So I'm not a total pos. I never wanted to fall in love with her you know, and no it's not the outside world for acceptance thing. I never did this for like 50yrs and all sudden I need approval from others. Not a lone wolf's thing. But we do like company, and like I said love I was not looking for love at all Again, yes it's again I did love one other, actually still do but that is as scary as the new love. Men and woman will never see eye to eye, you can not change a guy to fit your life. You either love them and can't live without them type thing or just say what's what and move the fuck on. That's the human being way to do it. I'm sorry but I make that mistake to at times never again.

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