Life in reverse

I have a different way of being in this dichotomy living day in day out. Derived from hate, fear and the things that make me horny. Still if I want it I have to hate it to love it. If I need it I have show interdependence to keep it. Should I chose love well fear is the result I live in the most, is this a conscious choice or am I a lunatic fringe thinking in chaos only. I want to be loved dearly only an asshole says they do not. Yet every love I've ever thought was going to be unbelievably amazing, was a cow patty at best. I am fucking pissed with this code I hate myself now along with all the others. I refuse to cry ever again. I am going to revert back to the man I was before, sure he's scum but well liked. The pussy I chose to become in a betterment of self is a doormat for all. Doormat no more, step up now and it's splat, check me if you think I am lying. Brand new day, brand new world, end times end games.


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Let me get this

Jan 23, 2020 at 3:16pm

Your admitting to being a piece of shit and now you' ve decided because you cant get what you have been trying to get all along with your shitty games.
Well now your going to be a bigger scumbag!!
Buddy your going to be alone.
Very Alone
And your dam sad.

Truth Hurts

Jan 23, 2020 at 6:17pm

"I am going to revert back to the man I was before, sure he's scum but well liked. The pussy I chose to become in a betterment of self is a doormat for all. "

Yep. Couldn't get a date nor any attention- then became the loudmouth asshole that I saw other guys being.
And suddenly the women couldn't resist me.

Sacred Circuitry

Jan 23, 2020 at 8:57pm

“If I want it I have to hate it to love it. If I need it I have show interdependence to keep it.”

That sounds very complex. It must be very challenging to experience these contradictory emotions, and even more difficult to explain them to people.

When did these feelings start? Can you trace them back to an origin point that put this wiring in place?

I think you should do what is best for you, and if that means heading for scuzzbucket city then so be it. Hedonism has its time and place.

That said, wouldn’t it be nice to eliminate some of the resistors that keep your current from flowing freely?

Go get some reiki, soul brother. It is the key to everything. Get back the energy that has been taken from you.


Jan 24, 2020 at 8:50am

I don't beleive the last version of yourself was scum, and neither do I beleive you can return to it. You can’t cross twice over the same stream – different stream, different man.

Obviously you know better, and you started doing better. That's great.

Sometimes though, even when you're doing your best, people are going to throw stuff at you and it's going to hurt. But ultimately, no matter how well or poorly you behave, you cannot control what others do, only how you react to it. It sucks, but it’s what it is.

Take it from a recovering alcoholic. I've had a bunch of resentments in my back pocket for years - it took speaking to someone else to see my part in all of them. Even if that part was just staying out of love (which, my sponsor explained, could also be called 'enabling') when the other person refused to treat me with respect or lied to me. Yes, I would have liked it if they would have treated me with more respect, and yes, they hurt me – but by staying and not calling them on their shit, I hurt myself and took away from their personal responsibility by enabling some pretty lousy behaviour on their part. Now? Years later? I wish them well. I hope they grew from the experience like I have and continue to. Was I bitter initially after the break up? Absolutely. Did I want to weild my pain like a whip and slap other fools around the head with it afterwards? Yeah? Did I do those things? No. Partly because I was too damn tired, but also partly because I didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to be a person I could love. So slowly, and with several backslides of bitching to friends about the situation, I channeled myself into self-development and my passions and began to move forward.

Shit happens. It’s ok to feel disappointed about it, angry about it, hurt about it. Feel that and don’t push it away, because then you can move through it. I understand the temptation when you’ve been hurt/disempowered to grasp back that power from being the first one to leave, the first one to lash out. But ultimately, that hurts you, perhaps more than the other person - because that is not at your core, who you truly are – that’s just fear. I don’t know you, but your story resonates with how I felt some time ago – and I’m stronger than that. I think you are too.

You want love? You can absolutely have it and you deserve it. Everyone does.

@ :)

Jan 24, 2020 at 11:20am

Not the OP, but wanted to say this is an amazing comment. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding those who need it that they deserve love.

@ : )

Jan 25, 2020 at 9:21am

Beautifully said!

I wonder

Jan 27, 2020 at 9:29am

Is this a keep them coming back or actual love for another. I found out last night just how totally sneaky underhanded and off the radar GROSS!!! a woman/man can be. I was shocked, how was I fooled it's never happened before. I'm not sure I do not care. They are very nasty human being with some splaining to do or very sick and need more help than the drugs can give. I hope to my loving God it's the second!

Yeah that's what I figured it's

Jan 27, 2020 at 2:14pm

All a head game. I hate you guys i want to play with the dancers and hookers again, I swore them off but now it's monkey with barrel time on. Number 5 orange anyone this weekend well tonight even yeah tonight.

@yeah that's what...

Jan 29, 2020 at 10:22am

Grow up asshole, they are confused and scared but stronger than an ox. Anyways that's the child like way remember we discussed this. So again grow up!! Already your running out of time tick tock.

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