I missed having a “Dad”

The older I get, the more I realize how incredibly important fathers are, and not just for their sons. I have a father, but I don’t feel like I ever had a Dad. I get Father’s Day cards and they all say these wonderful things about how the dad was always there for them, etc, and I end up going for the blank ones instead. I can’t lie. He’s misogynistic and narcissistic. He was never ever there for me. He was a horrible husband and a rotten father. Because of him I’ve never had a decent relationship with a man. I’ve had terrible self-esteem after feeling unloved and unwanted for my entire childhood. I watched the way he treated my mom who was so in love with him that she tolerated his treatment and his selfish ways for all these years. I was angry at her too until I realized that she was a victim of his just like the rest of us. I see some men who are so great with their daughters; who spend time with them and encourage them in everything they do. Those girls grew into strong and independent women who know their worth. To this day I’m sure my father couldn’t tell you anything about my life other than the obvious. He never showed an ounce of interest in me or any of my accomplishments. He had no idea of who I was then, or who I am now. He only talks about my brothers whenever he talks about his kids, as if I’m just an accident of some kind. So now I truly believe that fathers are extremely important and if any woman is out there actually planning to be a single parent, please make sure that your child of either gender has a good balance of positive role models of men and women in their lives. You have no idea about the long term effects of having no male that loves you and believes in you can have on a child.

12 Comments

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Nice dream

Feb 27, 2020 at 12:20pm

I get parental figures are important. I had the same relationship but with my mother not my father. She was not a nice person and I still struggle with issues brought on by by her lack of parenting skills to this day. I think the idea of the perfect, loving nuclear family is a bit of a fantasy. I know they exist but I know more people who grew up with shitty parents than loving, supportive ones. I honestly don't think my mom should have had kids I believe she would have been happier as a childless free spirit. People enter into parenting too casually, at least my mom and dad's generation did, it's one of the most profound, important decisions you're going to make in your life and should not be entered into lightly.

20 5Rating: +15

My mother

Feb 27, 2020 at 1:53pm

Was an angel.
My dad was a self centered baby.
Who was mean and uncaring to my mom and brother mostly. Using scare tactics, words and sometimes bute force. Seeing the people you love , hurt and not understanding why ?
Why were you so mean ?
After awhile sorry means nothing.
Family is a sham
I tried to make my family like a tv family.
I ended up with my (dad )for a boyfriend. Same behavior.
Shitty i didnt see it sooner.
Shitty
Cause I love my kids Always...

12 5Rating: +7

Kudos to you

Feb 27, 2020 at 2:38pm

for getting the jerk cards! That's more than I can do. You're stronger than you think, thanks to him.

10 5Rating: +5

Nice Port

Feb 27, 2020 at 5:57pm

Well written OP. I also had a shitty dad and because of this I was a bad bad kid. At the time was mother was scared and alone and wasn't interested in being a parent either, so I raised myself, badly. I have no idea how I turned out ok, but yes, the issues will ALWAYS be there.

I have chosen NOT to have children because I want to have a happy life, and if I've learned anything, it's that there is a huge, I mean huge amount of people that either have no business having kids or regard it afterwards, and then those people breed, No thanks. With all of this being said I live a stress free, debt free life, even in Vancouver.. life is cheap without kids and debt.

21 2Rating: +19

You have company

Feb 27, 2020 at 8:09pm

Feel the exact same way, will always harbour distrust in men that stemmed from a piss poor relationship with a father. Tears always well up when I hear women talking about their wonderful dads that loved them. 40 y/old and never been in love nor loved by any man. Waiting for next lifetime.

18 3Rating: +15

You are not alone

Feb 27, 2020 at 9:43pm

I could of wrote this
I agree with “ kudos “
You are stronger than you think

The adults I have met with poor coping skills in life were coddled as children. So I am grateful that I was not coddled and perservered through adversity.

8 5Rating: +3

I've heard...

Feb 28, 2020 at 8:16am

That when you have shitty dad. Which I did, you have bad relationships with all men...

With that being said. I have always had a VERY strong stance to not have ANY shitty of DB guys in my life. I've only even had wonderful partners. I have a SUPER high standard for only having kind men in my life after having such a shitting one for so long.

14 2Rating: +12

There are options

Feb 28, 2020 at 10:56am

" Because of him I’ve never had a decent relationship with a man." You know you have a choice: continue to blame other people for your problems or try to get help. I don't know how old you are but it gets more and more lame the older you get to continue to blame your parents for your problems. Get some counselling, educate yourself (the library is amazing and free!), examine your life and your choices and make different choices.

9 11Rating: -2

Anonymous

Feb 28, 2020 at 12:34pm

I had supportive parents, especially compared to what's out there, and things look good to outsiders, but I'm still pretty ducked up and have some experiences I wouldn't wish on anyone

8 0Rating: +8

Danny Champion of the World

Feb 28, 2020 at 4:03pm

My dad was mediocre, like most dads of his era. Obsessed with work, good provider, not a playmate or role model or really very visible at home. I resolved that I would be like the dad in Roald Dahl's book: SPARKY! Interested, present, attentive, and loving.

It's working out so far, the kids are 23 and 20 and still seem to like their parents!

6 2Rating: +4

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