Bad Guy

About 4.5 years ago I left an abusive relationship with a narcissistic man who made my life hell for almost 2 years. I still see him around every couple of months as we still live in the same neighbourhood, and in that time he's had about 10-15 new girlfriends. It always make me sad because I realize they are all going to go down the same path I did, because I wish that I could warn them. Admittedly I learned a lot about myself in the aftermath, but it makes me sad that all of these other women are going to go on a really unpleasant emotional journey, and there's nothing I can do about it. Also just a shout out: I posted a confession on here about 1.5 years after I left him, and some of the commenters posted some really good advice about befriending myself, creating healthier boundaries, working on my self regard, and though they were hard to hear at the time, they made a big difference to me and really helped me in a dark time, so thanks to the folks that post really solid and constructive advice. I am doing so much better now that I've taken heed. <3

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Been there

Mar 9, 2020 at 10:36am

It's sad isn't it?

24 4Rating: +20

A fellow sufferer

Mar 9, 2020 at 10:56am

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve wanted to warn other women against a guy I dated who was just like yours. I wished I could post warning signs in his area! Unfortunately we can’t and all of those other women are going to experience the same things that you and I have. Unless you’ve been in a relationship with someone like that you simply can’t understand how damaging it is. I’m still trying to heal from mine.

31 4Rating: +27

It's great that you want to help, but.....

Mar 9, 2020 at 11:16am

…statistically speaking, these other women are not going down the same path as you. If he has gone through 15 girlfriends in the past 4.5 years, that’s an average of 3.6 months per relationship, which is about 85% shorter than your two years. So you really don’t have to do anything about it. These women are figuring it out for themselves.

We all learn

Mar 9, 2020 at 1:01pm

I’ve never dated a a narcissist but I worked with one, and the hell is all the same. I’ve learned a lot and I’ve deployed boundaries with her and it’s so much better for me. Because we are kind trusting people, we expect the same from others. We learn that we are wrong about some people. I’m glad you’ve moved on. There are MANY people out there who may appear superficially normal but are deviant. Live and learn and adopt a no contact policy with those people.

24 4Rating: +20

Really happy to hear that.

Mar 9, 2020 at 1:16pm

As someone who participated in discussions around that time, it's nice to hear you've made your own path, and good to hear you've found some support in an odd place. My encounter with this type of thing was many years ago. I too felt those urges to warn others concerning the personally stiffling condition one gets into while in a relationship with an emotionally abusive narcissist. *Pant* This is after one gets out and gets sorted of course. For me, my freedom followed a eureka moment where I finally roughly grasped ~: "wooooooooooooooooooooooow, this person really does not have my back." I suppose that's important to me, it probably varies between relationships. My life is still way better for me, and I've been able to open up again since then too, and find people that respect boundaries. (I was with them for 5 years). I'm really glad to hear you're in a brighter place in your life!!

Thank you for posting this

Mar 9, 2020 at 5:29pm

Much needed. I've felt fixated lately in pointing out these traits to others who voice similar experiences, not wanting them to go through the same thing. It might be time for a different healthier approach.

14 5Rating: +9

And?

Mar 9, 2020 at 5:53pm

Love thy enemy.

Anonymous

Mar 9, 2020 at 7:33pm

Not trying to be rude or controversial here, but people change over the span of 4.5 years and behave differently around different people and in different environments/relationships. Soo, your resentments are objectively unjustified here. Personally, they may have been justifiable at the time when you were with him. But that was than and this is now. What caused him to become a narcissist? What role did you play in the relationship's demise? Why have you kept tabs on him and his apparent 10-15 girlfriends? As others in the comments have mentioned that's a new girlfriend every 3 months soo you're keeping a really updated tally here. Are these girlfriend's really going through hell? Was your hell their hell? Your assumptions make it seem like you're still caught up on your ex. Codependency is one hell of a drug to shake. Growing and learning means fully letting go, forgiving, and working towards being the best person you can be. Everyone deserves happiness including you.

Anonymous

Mar 10, 2020 at 3:17am

I can easily say your description of this man shares many similarities to where i was three years ago. I had ended a relationship with a woman whom i no longer felt love by. I never really sought out to find any blame, I wished her the very best. still do. However after that i begun experience great loss of a loved one, followed by my mind- then work had been affected. I can only see now how much pain i caused. My fear began to direct my life. We who hurt others, we're usually hurt ourselves. We'd probably like to apologize, too. We are "afraid you'd taken on a no-contact policy", but probably wouldn't blame you for it. So let me apologize to you in place of the apology you probably never received from this ex of yours.

9 8Rating: +1

The thing about narcissists

Mar 10, 2020 at 4:31pm

Is that they never sincerely apologize. That’s because in their mind they’re never at fault for anything. If they do apologize it’s in order to get something. Those of us with a Phd in Npd can attest to this fact. An intimate relationship with someone like this is just as damaging (and in some cases MORE damaging, than an intimate relationship with someone who is physically abusive. Of course, some of them are both. The scars from emotional abuse often last much longer than those from physical abuse. For those of us who have lived this nightmare, that abuse is very, very real. Also, not easy to recover from. Every day without that person is a victory.

29 2Rating: +27

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