The despair of being partnered with an addict

posted May 30th, 2020 at 1:19 PM

Found out by accident about my long term partner sex addiction. It appears that it started through online sex chats and escalated to sharing videos and photos with a large network of people in our local area (we share a phone plan). He admitted to living a dual life, it looks like there’s a network of 50+ people. I don’t know if they have met in person. After finding out I left to be with family and take care of myself. Since then, I don’t know what’s happened but he’s ended up in the hospital detox program and is now going to rehab. In addition to sex addiction there’s also substance use. I don’t have the details yet. He confessed to his friend and suggested that friend tell me because he was too sad. I told the friend I was not ready and said “honestly there’s so much I don’t even know where to start.” I am feeling at the lowest of lows. I love him, we’ve been together 10 years. He had addiction problems as a youth. I heard recently from my counsellor that “addicts aren’t bad people, they make bad choices.” This upset Me because I have this internal battle. My empathy for others can be a weakness. I am so heartbroken. I am stable person with a good career. I did always want more from him - stability. So I face seeing someone who I love so much with an illness but who also has hurt me tremendously. It’s still too early but the prospects of leaving him are ripping my heart to pieces. However, what he’s done to me is also ripping my heart to pieces. I’m meditating and getting counselling but this has been really traumatic for me.

5 Comments

I get it. Not a lot of people do, but I do.

May 31, 2020 at 12:19am

The timing of reading this post is remarkable to me. I'm sorry for all of what you and your partner are going thru. Addiction is a hell of a battle for ALL involved. I too am also enduring a similar journey with my partner of 3 years, too. My mind was blown and my heart was crushed when I too came across pics & vids sent to random local women in MY area, of him performing sex acts while higher than a kite on meth. I came across actual video of my man having sex with another women, both high on meth. I also found out she lived one block away from me, cause my man and her posted a Craigslist ad looking for random couples. Meth is a hell of a drug. It's difficult to put up with dating an addict but it's also very difficult to walk away. There are SO MANY amazing support groups online and even on Facebook for partners and spouses of addicts. I'm so sorry, hugs.

Save yourself

May 31, 2020 at 6:48pm

It may get better for a while but they always go back to the garbage they were doing (drugs or people). Your life will always be hell with this person and you will never know trust again because they lie. Every word out of their face is a lie. Your relationship will be based on a gigantic lie and it isnt fair for you. Trust me. I lived it and i left my other half months ago. I no longer have to put up with his shit and i can find someone who wouldnt think of betraying my trust like he did. You have one life. Dont let him suck the soul out of you.

Cari

May 31, 2020 at 7:44pm

You've got to love yourself enough to walk away. Been there, done that. No relationship is worth this misery.
My story ended with my partner going missing and being found dead of suicide after 31/2 years (he died right away). Today, after 8years, I am strong and happy and I hope you will be too. Your first allegiance must be to yourself.

Once an Addict

Jun 1, 2020 at 4:06am

I spent my early 20’s dealing with sex and cocaine addiction. I feel his pain, but I know how complex this web of deceit he’s created for himself. And none of it is an accident. He needs to own up to things. It sounds like he’s still not doing that.

Be strong. Continue to focus on you. Gone are those days for me. I’m a successful entrepreneur, happily married, a baby on the way. Not a cheater. Not the boy I used to be. But I know what it’s like getting high and finding sexual partners multiple times a week. I’ve faced my demons and he needs to face his.

It’s not easy confessing and owning up to your own shit, but he really should’ve told you - like a man - that he’s getting the treatment he needs. Don’t enable him. Like I said, be strong. If he loves you, he will find a way to be the man you deserved in the first place.

No happy ending here

Jun 1, 2020 at 5:09am

I’m sorry but that’s the harsh truth. Your partner is not in a place either physically or mentally to be in a relationship. Unless you plan to go down with the ship, you need to walk away. You cannot fix an addict. The only person who can do that is the addict themselves, and then it takes professional help or self-help groups. You can seek help for yourself, but by staying in that situation you’re guaranteeing a very unhappy life for yourself.