You sound just like me. Although I have no possible physical evidence like you, I'm definitely the king of ignorance when it comes to potential cancer. I'll just get it and go fast without the battle or fight for survival.
Any chance you have something less worrisome like maybe a hernia?

Yeah, a painful death sounds way easier. I’m guessing you’ve never seen anyone die of cancer. It’s … well, why spoil the fun surprise for you.

get it checked anyway then you can decide what to do.

Dear OP,

I felt this confession in my gut. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with health, depression and the unknown. I don't even know what to say except that I understand this post and the need for silent surrender on a cellular level.

I've dwelled in the dark places where it feels like dying is the only option. Not only that, but I've felt an urge to disappear as covertly as possible so as not to spread that darkness to others.

I don't want that for you. Helpless as I am, I have but two questions to offer: Are there places in your life where surrender and survival could coexist? What are the things you would like to unload into a small boat and push out into the ocean, rather than waiting to drown with them?

Sending love and rockets,
Someone who sees you

My dad had bladder cancer. The doctors cut it out and he lived another 40 years. That said, it's also wise to balance the best of both worlds ie. the contributions of western allopathic medicine with the ancient wisdoms of naturopathic and TCM.

march over to the doctor right now and get this looked at! Never make a life threatening decision when you you have a depression - it plays tricks on you, especially when you're tired or overwhelmed. If you leave things go, it might really hurt - more than it does now. Please talk to a close friend or someone you trust confidentially to go with you and support you.

I hear you. You're having suicidal thoughts (even if you're waiting on that lump to take you out) which means that your depression is your biggest issue right now. You're lying to the people who care about you but you spent the time and made the effort to come clean to us. So tell someone you trust as well. Ask for help to get to the doctor. Tell the doctor about your depression and your thoughts of 'suicide by untreated cancer'. It's going to be difficult. Your depression is going to tell you, "Why bother? What's the point? You're wasting everyone's time. You're not worth saving." Dude, that voice has been lying to you and running your life for too damn long. This one time, don't listen. This lump may not be cancer so waiting for it to kill you may be a long wait while your severe depression continues to call the shots in your life. Take some of your power back and ask for help. It's out there. You can do it. There are people out there who want to help you. You're not as alone as your depression is telling you that you are. It's okay to ask for help. Once you're in a better place, pay it forward and help someone else that's been where you are now - it'll take you out of yourself which will help to keep your depression in check by giving you a higher purpose. You can do it. You CAN do it. Dude. Seriously. You. Can. Do. It.

There are people who have cured their stage 4 cancer with Phoenix Tears oil.

It's only too late when you're dead.

Sounds like you shouldn't have lied about it.

Man, I’ve been in that boat. I AM in that boat. As a kid, I used to wish for cancer to take its toll on me. And honestly I still kind of wish for it. I have a great paying job, friends and people that love me but I’m feeling mostly dissatisfied with life. Sounds like you are too? I can’t really say that things change but if you see a doctor maybe they can help you. You never know. Oh, and someone once told me something that kind of stuck -“There’s a different between being happy and being content”.