Online dating apps = consent to approach interested women

I've heard from some women that they "miss the days when men would actually ask them out", but the problem with those days was that men didn't have online options so they were forced to initiate and pursue without consent: randomly gamble on the slim chance a woman is single, interested, approachable, in the right mood or circumstance to chat with a stranger (in other words: the odds of approaching a woman at the appropriate time are rare). This "old way" of dating would mean women would receive more unwanted attention, unwanted approaches, unwanted flirting and the men who asked them out either made fools of themselves or risked self-esteem wrecking rejection; on the slim chance gamble some woman at a bar, beach or college campus would be interested in them. Online dating however has created a "safe space" where I as a man know that women who match with me or message me are open and consenting to be approached and engaged. It may seem counterintuitive versus the old days, but I think the odds of meeting attractive women have actually INCREASED as a result of dating apps. An increase in available and consenting dating partners and an increase in sexual partners over the years has resulted from this (for me personally). Yes the problem with online apps is that women are harassed without accountability (dick pics, mean messages, abusive and angry messages etc.) on occasion so I realize that as well. Nonetheless I think my overall point is valid: I feel much more comfortable "approaching" women on dating apps and much more comfortable asking them out given the implied consent of these apps. Obviously this is just one element of a complex modern dating landscape full of pros and cons but I think it is important to recognize this shift in the culture of dating. When I see guys hitting on women in public, on the bus etc. I often cringe, especially when the women are very attractive, knowing how often that must occur... leave them alone guys! If they wanted to speak to a random man I'd probably let them initiate. Men who have learned nothing from #metoo and #timesup are more likely to ignore recent social lessons and approach women without consent or intuitive common sense to pick their spots and circumstances. Beware of these men.

17 Comments

Post a Comment

Cockblocked

May 22, 2020 at 4:39pm

I used to online date before there was tinder and then tried again recently. The fact that it's all swipe based didn't even allow for any type of intro whatsoever.
They'd have to swipe through hundreds of losers to find my profile with an actual rundown of who I am.
From what I hear from the women, it's still broken because there's the whole "swipe right" mentality where guys will just match every single woman to "play the odds".
Ive been told that I was the only person who could write an actual paragraph amoungst hundreds of idiots writing "hey what's up?".
So, why would a woman want to subject herself to that either?. At least out in public it may be so e sort of ego boost.

The thing is broken.

15 5Rating: +10

Anonymous

May 22, 2020 at 4:43pm

Interesting take, until the end when you start warning women lol

Then it turns into a wolf advising sheep how to keep from being eaten.

12 5Rating: +7

I have...

May 22, 2020 at 5:05pm

... lived in the City my whole life. I don't go to nightclubs or things like that, but I have been to a few concerts. I went to University, etc. etc.

"When I see guys hitting on women in public, on the bus etc. I often cringe, especially when the women are very attractive, knowing how often that must occur..."

I don't know what buses you're riding, but I've never owned a car and while I now ride my bike more, in a lifetime of commuting to highschool, university, work, play, etc. I can count on two hands the number of times I've seen guys hitting on women on the bus, and I can count on one hand the number of times the guy didn't take the hint in a way that I would consider _mildly annoying_, not harassment, etc.

Humans live in a world of myth, and this myth that women are constantly being hit on in public, this just isn't my experience. I've never seen any statistics as to the average number of times a day a woman is asked out, etc. but I bet it is less than one. The idea that being asked out once every couple of days is some horrible burden is utterly pathetic.

18 5Rating: +13

Here’s the thing...

May 22, 2020 at 5:27pm

Sure, having an unlimited supply of possibilities is super helpful when it comes to having a relationship. Or NOT. That appeals to those people who suffer from the FOMO syndrome. It’s actually been scientifically proven that humans, when confronted with too many choices, tend to become overwhelmed and anxious, and often wind up not being able to to pick anything. The anonymous and impersonal nature of online dating makes chemistry impossible to feel until you actually meet that person physically. Chemistry between people is very important when it comes to choosing a mate. If all you want is a hot person for sex, for sure, online apps can provide that. However, as a woman I can tell you unequivocally that I much prefer a guy who has the guts to put himself out there in person to speak to me. As long as the guy is respectful and classy, I can’t really imagine any mature woman being offended by it. If they are, then just apologize and walk away. If a man doesn’t have the courage to take a chance then he’s going to get absolutely nowhere with me.

13 6Rating: +7

Approach without consent?

May 22, 2020 at 5:43pm

Gee I wonder how civilization came to be before dating apps?
I'll admit there's plenty of slimeballs out there but it's a man's role to make first contact..."I say, fair lady across the way, may I approach you and initiate a conversation?" Sure thing, asking permission to approach wouldn't weird her out at all! Lol
I find dating apps to be absolutely awful and much prefer seeing a woman out in the real world where her energy/vibe is on display.
I'm not greedy, just need to meet one with a unique way about her and I'm happy.
OP, you managed to mention consent like 5 times there...you scored big with that crowd for sure, well done.

13 5Rating: +8

WTF are

May 22, 2020 at 8:28pm

you talking about?!

10 2Rating: +8

hmmm

May 22, 2020 at 8:36pm

"...a guy who has the guts to put himself out there in person to speak to me..."
So you think you are the prize that your time is more important than his and its the MAN's job to do approaching. It's 21 century. You gonna have to wait for a while...

8 7Rating: +1

Oh geez

May 22, 2020 at 8:48pm

It's really to easy to learn body language and cues as to whether a woman might be interesed.
Easier than learning reading/writing!
You just have to be willing to learn.

8 3Rating: +5

It’s okay to be wrong

May 22, 2020 at 9:23pm

Before there were dating apps... how did people find other single people???

I guess at one point, maybe the bar, a religious establishment, or an activity group. If they didn’t have a dance partner or were sitting with their friends, siblings, or parents, chances were they might be single. But most times you had to ask, or do a little recon and ask around. Or look for a ring.

I recognize that in some current and past societies when a person is/was in a process of commitment there will be/were major visual cues in practice. Like taking on different habits/behaviours or wearing specific clothing, accessories, makeup, or hair. And in conversations they would mention their significant other.

The problem becomes when these cues become too costly or demanding on the individual.

So how does the single person today give cues to say, ‘Hey, I’m open to meeting someone!’
And how can someone also say, ‘Hey, I’m not available right now.’
At the moment, I guess still in our behaviour, grooming, accessories, and in what we say.

So I guess the problem Might be that we’ve forgotten to acknowledge how we present ourselves in the world and to also observe what others are presenting to us.

Though I do admit that sometimes those cues may not be clear.

So what then?

Yep. You’re gonna have to ask.
But you know what?

How they respond is your last clue as to whether or not that person is open.

Now your job is to accept whatever that is and move on.

I know it must seem like women get all the attention and that it’s so much easier for them to find a partner. As a woman, I gotta tell you, I’ve been shot down countless times, received mixed messages, been ghosted, ignored, and led on. But, the onus is on me whether or not I take that personally which is not always easy. Sometimes it’s really really hard. Really hard.

But maybe if I can accept that it’s okay for other people to be wrong about me. I can accept that it’s okay when I’m wrong about other people too...

13 2Rating: +11

There is...

May 22, 2020 at 9:45pm

no way to prove you've gained consent, someone can withdraw their consent at anytime in the future. Looks like you haven't learned much from #metoo or #timesup either.

7 5Rating: +2

Join the Discussion

What's your name?