It is not like I had a bad breakup, well it was brutal what I had to go through and how I acted wasn't ideal. But regardless of what I did and felt, I had a beautiful 3-year relationship that I will always cherish, which ended 3 years ago. It is not like I don't want to share beautiful moments with someone special again. But as soon as I think that, the thought that I have stored somewhere deep in my mind pops up right away that I do not want to go through the pain and I do not want anyone to feel the pain because of me. I am 30. People say there is the one. Friends are married and have kids. Surprisingly these factors don't make me feel behind or threatened. But I feel scared for them thinking what-ifs. I know that that is absolutely not my business, but it just reminds me of the greater pain that I had to deal with after the happiness that made me believe that I was the luckiest and happiest in the world. There is this person who shows no interest in me but has been sticking around for some reason, and I think to myself "I wonder how long this person can go with me, I have a life to waste anyway." Maybe it is not fair for this person. And I can't seem to be as affectionate and loving as I was before and that terrifies me. Does a breakup do this kind of thing for this long? I am so exhausted and I am maybe sad as well that I can't be who I used to be around people that I am romantically attracted to. I used to be 100% all in when it comes to romance. I don't seem to be able to do that anymore. I would rather lose myself than hurting anyone because of me in any possible way.