Don't like me

It is not like I had a bad breakup, well it was brutal what I had to go through and how I acted wasn't ideal. But regardless of what I did and felt, I had a beautiful 3-year relationship that I will always cherish, which ended 3 years ago. It is not like I don't want to share beautiful moments with someone special again. But as soon as I think that, the thought that I have stored somewhere deep in my mind pops up right away that I do not want to go through the pain and I do not want anyone to feel the pain because of me. I am 30. People say there is the one. Friends are married and have kids. Surprisingly these factors don't make me feel behind or threatened. But I feel scared for them thinking what-ifs. I know that that is absolutely not my business, but it just reminds me of the greater pain that I had to deal with after the happiness that made me believe that I was the luckiest and happiest in the world. There is this person who shows no interest in me but has been sticking around for some reason, and I think to myself "I wonder how long this person can go with me, I have a life to waste anyway." Maybe it is not fair for this person. And I can't seem to be as affectionate and loving as I was before and that terrifies me. Does a breakup do this kind of thing for this long? I am so exhausted and I am maybe sad as well that I can't be who I used to be around people that I am romantically attracted to. I used to be 100% all in when it comes to romance. I don't seem to be able to do that anymore. I would rather lose myself than hurting anyone because of me in any possible way.

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Be patient with yourself

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:00pm

The body can hold onto trauma for awhile, which can often create results that override conscious intention. As many on this forum have said before, healing is slow and not linear.

I don’t know the details of your current situation, but if you’re feeling exhausted and just not 100% invested, maybe that’s a cue to step back and reconnect with yourself rather than proceeding any further with this new person. Listen to your body; it will tell you all you need to know.

Also, I want to share that there are some of us out there who aren’t afraid of experiencing pain alongside you. It may not feel like it sometimes, but it is a gift to know people who have the capacity to feel that deeply.

7 2Rating: +5

Bewitched

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:03pm

Sultry Silicone Sally maybe able to help, unless it's Studly Silicone Steve you're into. All these mental emotional spiritual intimate bonds that we make with those that prove themselves to be very unhealthy for us.. They get the strawberry milk from you while you get the sour milk from them. Sometimes you just need to deflect and transfer all that to something else. Perhaps if you burn that something afterwards, who knows? Maybe that person will spontaneously combust into flames wherever they happen to be at the time.

3 10Rating: -7

Free advice

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:06pm

I love your consideration for others and for yourself but maybe lighten up a little. You only live once and not for long. It’s great that you’re thoughtful and concerned about your impact on others but keep open to the idea of a relationship. It might be as beautiful in its own way. And if not, it’s all gonna be the same in a hundred years.

6 1Rating: +5

an observation from a 40 year old

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:12pm

Every one prepares for their 20's and their 40's. My advice is take stock of where you are right now so that in 10 years you can look back on the 30's decade and go "oh my gawd, what the f*ck was that?"
If you survive it, you deserve your 40's mid life crisis. whatever that may be.
good luck and have fun. :)

4 2Rating: +2

Baggage

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:51pm

"Love like you've never been hurt." - Satchel Paige
Pain just means you're alive. That's the price of admission.
Hold someone dear, and they can (and probably will) hurt you, at least sometimes. Trust someone, and they can betray you. Without affection or trust, there's nothing.
You'd rather nothing, and that's a valid and beautiful choice. But I wouldn't trade places with you. Bring the pain, I say. It'll come anyway. May as well get some joy, to offset the inevitable.
Good company is hard to find. But it's the only thing that makes life worthwhile. Everything else, combined, doesn't come close to justifying all the decades of suffering and bullsh*t.
And I've had enough decades to confirm that.

5 2Rating: +3

An observation from a 60 year old

Jul 12, 2020 at 3:05pm

I don't believe in the concept of "the one" - I think there are many potential ones, and the rest is hard work, but it's worth it. Thinking you've lost "the one" is probably what's holding you back and making you so depressed. Coming out of mourning after 3 years won't make you shallow or show disrespect for your previous relationship. Time to give yourself a break!

11 1Rating: +10

Get....

Jul 12, 2020 at 5:10pm

a dog.

6 1Rating: +5

Be brave

Jul 12, 2020 at 5:55pm

Your fear of being hurt is holding you back from experiencing all that life has to offer. Bad breakups hurt like crazy, for sure. But by refusing to allow anyone to get close to you, and by closing off your heart because you’re afraid of the possibility of pain, you’re ensuring that that one bad experience will define the rest of your life. Be brave!

11 1Rating: +10

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