Anyone else tired of their “I”?
The “I” is that thing tying you to the memory inside that head you carry around. It’s all the things you’ve packed in there that are used to define the ‘me’ that fills your days. I think Halloween is popular with adults because we’re liberated from the predictable self of the office, the home, the social sphere.
A few years ago, when “my” life was spiraling away, I took the ribbons and certificates and awards and photographs and all the things associated with the “I” I knew and walked around the neighbourhood late at night, leaving them on doorsteps, tossing them on benches, releasing them to the wild. Life had become so awful that I wanted nothing to do with what had come before or had anything to do with the ‘me’ that found itself so close to homelessness. "I" was nearing a life akin to the giant plastic patch that floats discarded, somewhere in the Pacific.
I wanted to be free of the things that led me believe my life was precious and mostly, I guess, because I could never remember a time in my life when I actually felt that way. All the words delivered to me in ‘my’ life meant nothing and did nothing, but the actions of those who claimed to care had brought me to a collapsed and empty place, devoid of hope and meaning. The only thing to do was to throw away the map that showed ‘my’ path, because nothing the “I” took credit for was going to save me; the 'I' was now an 'it' - and 'it' was an exhausted mine.
A long time ago, when the world knew a closer-knit version of justice, there was a thing called a jubilee. It is from the Jewish tradition and its purpose was - for all intents and purposes - to ‘reboot’ the concept of ownership and debt. According to Wikipedia, “every seven years hebrew slaves and prisoners would be freed debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest.”
This thing that I did, inspired by my feelings that the only way forward was to release the past - was a personal jubilee.
I am grateful for its effect upon my thinking, my beliefs and the modest way of life I have now.
I have never regretted it.