Me and Jubilee Down by the Schoolyard

Anyone else tired of their “I”? I was. The “I” is that thing tying you to the memory inside that head you carry around. It’s all the things you’ve packed in there that are used to define the ‘me’ that fills your days. I think Halloween is popular with adults because we’re liberated from the predictable self of the office, the home, the social sphere. A few years ago, when “my” life was spiraling away, I took the ribbons and certificates and awards and photographs and all the things associated with the “I” I knew and walked around the neighbourhood late at night, leaving them on doorsteps, tossing them on benches, releasing them to the wild. Life had become so awful that I wanted nothing to do with what had come before or had anything to do with the ‘me’ that found itself so close to homelessness. "I" was nearing a life akin to the giant plastic patch that floats discarded, somewhere in the Pacific. I wanted to be free of the things that led me believe my life was precious and mostly, I guess, because I could never remember a time in my life when I actually felt that way. All the words delivered to me in ‘my’ life meant nothing and did nothing, but the actions of those who claimed to care had brought me to a collapsed and empty place, devoid of hope and meaning. The only thing to do was to throw away the map that showed ‘my’ path, because nothing the “I” took credit for was going to save me; the 'I' was now an 'it' - and 'it' was an exhausted mine. A long time ago, when the world knew a closer-knit version of justice, there was a thing called a jubilee. It is from the Jewish tradition and its purpose was - for all intents and purposes - to ‘reboot’ the concept of ownership and debt. According to Wikipedia, “every seven years hebrew slaves and prisoners would be freed debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest.” This thing that I did, inspired by my feelings that the only way forward was to release the past - was a personal jubilee. I am grateful for its effect upon my thinking, my beliefs and the modest way of life I have now. I have never regretted it.

9 Comments

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Anonymous

Jul 12, 2020 at 2:52pm

Good for you. It's a difficult process but rewarding in the end. So important to be true to yourself. My life has changed drastically because of illness - I lost my job and several of my "friends". I now feel like I've escaped from a cult and am so much happier with what I still have left.

11 0Rating: +11

Not me

Jul 12, 2020 at 3:13pm

I'm not tired of the "I" in my head. I'm tired of the "U" in my head which isn't me it's you.

8 4Rating: +4

a wandering confession

Jul 12, 2020 at 3:43pm

for a beautiful pandemasunday. I like it.

3 1Rating: +2

Look up in the sky

Jul 12, 2020 at 6:38pm

Waaayyy up. And I'll call Krusty...

1 3Rating: -2

Ugh

Jul 13, 2020 at 8:55am

This is the single most ego maniacal thing I've ever read. OP is very obsessed with themselves, but alas no one needed to hear or read this, and writing it probably made OPs ego grow two sizes, too. Hyper self-focused self-congratulatory nonsense, how 2020 of you.

3 4Rating: -1

Not your servant

Jul 13, 2020 at 3:11pm

How self obsessed to leave your unwanted crap on others doorsteps and around the neighbourhood. Others had to dispose of it for you.

4 2Rating: +2

Spirit vs Flesh

Jul 13, 2020 at 6:32pm

Trying to trick your own conscience into forgiving your unrepentant self never works, and can be eternally hazardous to you.

3 1Rating: +2

I approve of self-revision

Jul 14, 2020 at 5:50am

However, just be sure you have enough of a foundation left to stand on (speaking from experience).

2 0Rating: +2

@ugh

Jul 14, 2020 at 8:30am

There is nothing more ego-maniacal than someone who spews nasty bile like this at a person telling a heartfelt story like the OP's. This is a confession site, after all. The OP has clearly been through hard times and found a way to come to terms with it. There's nothing wrong with that and I, for one, am glad they shared it.

2 2Rating: 0

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