Mortality and life

What would you do if you were faced with a serious surgery? I have struggled with a great deal of adversity since I was a child, with illness (thanks for the terrible genes, abuse etc.) and tried to always operate from a place of kindness and empathy only to be screwed over. My health issues are very complex and resulted in significant pain, loss, grief, and a loss of autonomy despite my trying everything under the sun to no avail and countless specialists. You quickly realize the people that are truly there for you when you're chronically ill and most people don't care.... I've always wondered why some people suffer so much and throughout their lives while terrible people don't.... Far too many good, kind people in the same boat as me that deserve so much better and want so little. Just to be healthy to work, be active, and have normalcy. One thing that's been hard is not being touched. I don't mean sexually, but just held, and feeling safe in someone's arms. I've given up on meeting someone as good men are few and far between, let alone one that would be with someone so sick although you couldn't tell from looking at me. I read this study about how men leave women at a rate seven times higher with a partner with illness yet women stay through thick and thin..... Yet, I still wish I had someone to laugh with, and do regular things with, but it can't happen..... It's been several years now. I had friends try to encourage me to date, but due to sexual abuse and PTSD, I have difficulty trusting men, and have been hurt too much. So, what would you do? I'm in the high risk group and have to stay home usually, and my symptoms while awaiting surgery are very difficult where I'm very fatigued. I don't know what to do... Please be kind I'm struggling with this surgery as is and appreciate advice. Thanks.

17 Comments

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Everything will be okay

Aug 3, 2020 at 2:35am

I'm a guy and I've been through a lot of the same situations you have even with the same kinda luck in relationships you have, and have ended up alone for years with the same bleak outlook on them as you have.
It's just a cycle of growth. A new cycle is ready to begin for you, and better things and relationships will soon be on their way. Just stay positive about what you want, and you'll attract it into your life. You've learned a lot from your past experiences and how to brush yourself off. Don't be afraid to proceed, but don't throw all caution to the wind. Just always remember to guard your heart from the sort you've encountered before and have had enough with. You know how to spot them. Trust your gut instincts.

16 4Rating: +12

Commiseration

Aug 3, 2020 at 7:41am

I don’t have any advice for you, just empathy. While my circumstances aren’t as dire as yours from the sounds of it, I too deal with a long-term chronic illness. I totally understand how it feels to have people desert you when you need them the most. I also try to stay positive, but it’s very hard when you feel badly about not wanting to be a burden to anyone else because of your illness. The hidden type is especially hard to deal with, because no one knows what’s really happening inside you. I am totally isolated since a breakup earlier this year, that had a lot to do with my health situation, and a guy who either could not understand, or just didn’t care to. My family has also been very hard to deal with because they really don’t understand just how hard it is for me. The whole “just force yourself”, or “just get over it” attitude makes dealing with some kinds of chronic illnesses so much harder to cope with. As if being sick wasn’t hard enough! I’ve found support online from FB groups of other people dealing with the same illness, because no one in my real life wants to talk about it. I hope that you can find some emotional support because dealing with an illness and especially pending surgery (been there too), is very hard to go through alone. Sending you virtual hugs.

21 1Rating: +20

Here we go again

Aug 3, 2020 at 8:07am

" good men are few and far between"
They're everywhere, and 99% of them are- just that you're not attracted to them. Women want the bad boy, and disregard the great guy but who doesn't meet 99% of their list of demands.

8 21Rating: -13

Not you

Aug 3, 2020 at 9:06am

When you say things like good men are few and far between — it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I would do is ... not what you would do, because I’m not you. You keep on repeating the same types of phrases “few and far between”, “can’t happen for me” , “I’ve been hurt too much” , “given up” ... you haven’t actually given up because you are asking the internet for advice, so you are lying to yourself. I think you would benefit from counselling, but I also have a hunch you will immediately dismiss that as something you can’t afford/are too tired to try and find affordable help. You don’t want help. You want a magic cure. It doesn’t exist.

6 19Rating: -13

Anonymous

Aug 3, 2020 at 11:44am

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.
I think you may find a lot of support in people who are struggling with similar issues.
The best advice I can give is that being a caregiver does not work in the context of a romantic relationship, regardless of gender. It is just too much to demand from another person.
If you have been together with someone for a very long time, then you might want to stick it out, provided that there are other supports in place. However, it is definately not a good foundation for a developing relationship. Good luck.

14 3Rating: +11

You're asking two questions ..

Aug 3, 2020 at 11:45am

• Studies show what they show, friend's opinions are always potentially right or wrong. If you find a partner for this, you find one. Neither dismiss it nor pine for it. I would plan either way (since it's what I did). It's easier with another person around if you have physical challenges and most of us get some with age, in addition to what already is.

• If you fear surgery, you probably should go with the best medical advice. I had health challenges before open-heart and they remain but my heart has become stronger and I'm alive and kicking.

Consider the surgical risk, the excellent health care available here in B.C. and the times. If the hospital bed and surgery is available to you, how long will that last? If you want to be healthy enough to outlive the pandemic but need surgery, how soon to make up a mind to act

7 4Rating: +3

I’m not sure of your question

Aug 3, 2020 at 11:48am

Are you asking if you should have the surgery ?

5 4Rating: +1

Op

Aug 3, 2020 at 2:48pm

@ not you - you make assumptions about me. I've been in therapy for many years actually, and think it's important to have that support. Why be negative?

To the people that gave kind, supportive comments, thank you.

To the people that were negative, did you not read my asking to be kind as I'm already in a tough place. Where is your empathy?

15 2Rating: +13

I can empathize too OP

Aug 3, 2020 at 3:54pm

Been through similar things. You just need to take it one step at a time. I had surgery and was afraid beforehand, but the second and third times were easier. I agree it's important to feel confident in your surgeon - I deferred one surgery until a more experienced surgeon was available. So get that over with and then address the other issues. I too have been diagnosed with PTSD and have found counseling very helpful, but it's a long road and you have to be patient. Again, it's about finding the right medical professional, someone you feel comfortable with and can trust. I've been struggling for about 18 years and am finally beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel (not that I'm saying it always takes that long). I've found support groups for my specific condition very helpful too. We're even doing them on zoom now. Don't give up - there is help out there. Good luck!

9 3Rating: +6

Loulou

Aug 3, 2020 at 7:16pm

I do feel empathy for your health issues. I always say when something’s not in your control, do not worry about it. I find when you focus on how sick you are, and how painful you are, you will just get worse. As long as you do your part, eat balanced meals, moderate exercises, treat others with a good attitude, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do not think “ you got screwed by others”. That sounds like you’re still carrying resentment, anger towards those that have hurt you. If you can let them go, your health will be better.

As for longing for intimacy, a hug, a shoulder to lean on. Girl, you can give that to yourself. If you do things that you like, that make you happy, if you know how to entertain yourself, you don’t need a guy or someone else’s arms.
So the surgery, whatever happens , happens. Think positive. These negative thoughts will make you get more sick and people stay away from you. Then you will think the world is bad, you are a victim of everything.

Girl, remember this. Life is like a movie. You are the director everyday. If you want today to be a happy day, it will be. A funny day, it will be. A miserable day, it will be too. You are directing. Be strong. There are many good men out there . I’m single though haha.
I stand behind you, you have my support. First, think positive.

2 10Rating: -8

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