Wishful Thinking

Sometimes my mind wanders to my ex. It usually ends up being a pretty bad time because of how she wanted things to be between us. I usually end up in a rut and feeling worthless. I have to climb out myself and try to ignore those thoughts. Sometimes I just wish she’d be candid and apologize. It would at least confirm I wasn’t wrong for caring about her as person. But because she never does, I’m stuck thinking she never gave a single fuck about me. As in, never considered how I might feel, or bothered to do something good about it, or maybe even puts no value on the feelings of others. I just feel worthless and dehumanized. I wish I was free of these thoughts. Maybe I’m still in denial about what happened. Or maybe I’m just feeling self-absorbed this weekend. Thanks for hearing my rant.

13 Comments

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Welcome

Aug 2, 2020 at 8:26pm

...to the club. I don’t know anything about your ex or your situation, but I can sure relate to those feelings. Some people NEVER apologize. Even when they should. Getting any type of closure from someone like that is virtually impossible. It’s taken me a very long time dealing with the same person (and others with similar characteristics) to understand that closure is simply not possible with that type of person. We have to be able to acknowledge that, and move on in spite of it. We’ll never really know if they loved us or not. Maybe they did, but were just too insecure to admit any vulnerability (also typical of people who can’t acknowledge their own mistakes or apologize) or feelings. Maybe they didn’t and were just using us until we finally got wise. We’ll likely never know. Getting over a love situation like that is incredibly hard. Be kind to yourself, and know that you’re definitely not alone in having these types of feelings from this type of relationship. I wish you speedy healing.

14 1Rating: +13

I apologized to him

Aug 2, 2020 at 9:40pm

it didn't make much of a difference.

10 4Rating: +6

@ Wishful Thinking @ Welcome

Aug 2, 2020 at 11:18pm

Seems like a lot of us are in or have been in that boat. Certainly not uncommon.

8 1Rating: +7

Role play is a way to get out

Aug 3, 2020 at 12:27am

Think of Brando " You can act like a man! "

1 7Rating: -6

Fire

Aug 3, 2020 at 10:59am

If the relationship left you feeling worthless and dehumanized its a toxic situation. Being with someone who never apologizes is a no win. when they have erred, and we all do, a responsible person will self reflect, apologize and adjust behaviour. If it got to the point of you feeling worthless then they crossed a line for you at some point and you kept giving them chances. I’ve been in this situation and I had to analyze why I let them keep crossing my comfort zone. Some people are sneaky and manipulative but at some point we have to break the cycle. Even in our thoughts. I’m not there yet but I wish you luck.

13 2Rating: +11

@ Fire

Aug 3, 2020 at 4:13pm

Thank you. I needed to hear this today.

3 2Rating: +1

The questions we're all wondering

Aug 3, 2020 at 5:41pm

How did she want things to be between you?

5 0Rating: +5

One not mentioned reason is...

Aug 3, 2020 at 8:37pm

Likely hurting someone you loved is awful to feel when empathetic reasoning is applied. For someone hurt in a similar manner they now have become the abuser they resented. So guilt, shame or stubbornness and mental issue applied with addiction can keep this from popping up enough to even try. I was sure I'd done this but when I was in the moment to step up I was swatted back down. That along with the unresolved issues from my previous relationship had now worked it's way into the fold and just like that I was stuck in the perfect storm gaining strength by the minute with it now getting attention. Hurricanes rarely pass by unnoticed and love never gose privately so off track as many people have issues with love from our separation from God. I'd tell you how I arrived here but there are few you can trust to listen and be free of anything short of malicious intent.

4 5Rating: -1

Jess Sayen

Aug 3, 2020 at 10:45pm

Your ex sounds toxic. Don't let your self esteem rest in the hands of her or other people. Choose those who treat you well. Being single is no reason to feel crappy. Turn a new page or even tune into a Zoom group for support.

8 1Rating: +7

$0.02

Aug 4, 2020 at 2:34pm

It sounds like you're disappointed in your ex and having trouble accepting how things ended. It also seems like you've connected your self-worth to her validation of your feelings. Why do you need your ex to tell you she's sorry? What unmet need of yours are you hoping this will fill? She's your ex; meeting your needs isn't her responsibility anymore. It's yours, and it always was yours.

You seem to be looking for blame: you blame yourself for loving someone who hurt you; you blame her for not behaving the way you want her to; and you blame yourself for the emotions you're feeling. That's a lot of blame. I think it's natural to look for someone or something to blame when we're hurt, but it's destructive when indulged for too long.

The thing is, your relationship ended. You haven't explained why, but it ended for a reason. Why did it end? What was her part in it? What was yours? Asking yourself these questions might help ease your ongoing need for validation from her.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I agree with you: I think you are being self-absorbed. That's okay! You're grieving. Be kind to yourself. You saw some good in her, and she saw some good in you, too. Time and honest self-reflection will help you move on.

I want to caution you about something: you may never get the apologize you think you deserve, and you need to be okay with that. She has her own perspective on why things ended, and she may be sitting at home wishing you'd apologize to her. Instead of wallowing in your own feelings and perspective, try seeing things from hers. Does the situation still warrant an apology?

Either way, it sounds like you're really hurting. Be kind to yourself. Breakups hurt. There's no getting around it. Spend time validating your own feelings, look for different perspectives, and then draw a line under it. By repeatedly rehashing this, you're keeping yourself invested in a relationship that has ended.

If you wish it hadn't ended, taking the time to think critically about why you need her to validate your worth, and fixing this in yourself, will help you in many, many ways.

Best of luck.

8 4Rating: +4

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