I believe in me

My life has been in a downward spiral for some time now. I have coped with multiple medical problems, lost a career and my financial future as a result, been in an emotionally abusive on and off relationship that has drastically affected my feelings of confidence and self esteem, and I’ve just generally looked (from the outside) as though I’m a complete mess. I’ve withdrawn from most people and have experienced depression, that’s true. However, those issues have been just steps along my path. I’m on an inner journey that no one can see. I’ve always had this internal faith that somehow I will be okay. I’ll land on my feet once again. I’ve turned inward because the outside world kept hurting me and I needed to step away from it in order to regain some sense of who I am now, and stop comparing myself to who I was before life broke me so badly. But those people who choose to sit in judgement of me without having the benefit of knowing my internal story, keep insisting that I need to do what they think I should do. That somehow me panicking, being afraid, and running around frenetically will make everything all better. But if they could see inside my head they’d see not only the despair, but my inner calmness about it as well. The steps I’m taking may not be obvious to anyone else who can only view them from the outside, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not taking them. It’s just that when you’re teetering on the edge of a volcano, you need to take very cautious steps to avoid falling into the inferno. So I’d just like those people who are annoyed watching me not “doing” anything to either stop looking or talk to me about what’s really going on and why. I’d appreciate some of the support and trust that I’ve so freely offered to them for their whole lives. Telling me how to do it your way is entirely unhelpful and actually makes things more difficult and confusing to someone who is doing their utmost to keep their head above the water line and out of the inferno. Right now I’m still swimming even though at times I’m just treading water. I’m very good at it you see. I’ve had a lifetime of saving myself and I don’t intend to stop now.

8 Comments

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:,-)

Sep 23, 2020 at 11:21pm

Thank you, your heart is keen and acutely aware

6 2Rating: +4

I believe in you too

Sep 23, 2020 at 11:57pm

but tell me the truth and don't spare my feelings- is that really what my hair looks like from behind?

3 10Rating: -7

Easier said than done

Sep 24, 2020 at 6:48am

but a large part of the inner journey is accepting that not everyone in your life is going to support you and not everyone can come along for the ride.

4 3Rating: +1

Stick to your guns

Sep 24, 2020 at 7:02am

And tell them where to stick their advice. I've wasted 2 years listening to "experts" but I was coping much better before, when I was listening to my own intuition. One of these "experts" even told me I had good instincts - and then continued to tell me I was doing everything wrong and needed to do it his way! So now I'm doing it my way, and if people don't like it they can look away.

10 1Rating: +9

Anonymous

Sep 24, 2020 at 9:58am

It sounds as if youre finally coming to your senses.

People generally are selfish and even you are so please accept this and for your own sake + learn all that you can stand about your health and pursue it with everything you have.

"Mere money is for feeble millionaires, but good health is pursued by all billionaires."

2 3Rating: -1

True and beautifully written

Sep 24, 2020 at 10:03am

Very beautiful piece.
The most important of all is to be true to yourself. People can be really cruel, not only sometimes, but rather most of the time. What gives them the power to tell someone else how they should live their lives? Or to try to ‘fix’ someone?
Good luck on your interior journey, my friend!

13 1Rating: +12

Anonymous

Sep 25, 2020 at 1:22pm

I say
" Let the chips far where they may "
Stress will kill you :)

4 0Rating: +4

You sound just like me

Sep 30, 2020 at 1:07am

wait a minute! You might be my alter-id

0 2Rating: -2

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