Why is it only the men who should be honest. Maybe you should be too, and stop picking this type of man.
Geez Louise!

I understand that disappointment you describe about being crammed into a portion of someone’s world when you want to show them the entirety of yours. It is heartbreaking and totally sucks.

For me I think deep unfulfilled desires for intimacy stem from not having a best friend or being anybody’s number one for a good portion of my life, in addition to growing up in an emotionally cold household. I had, and still have to some extent, a tendency to cling to people when I sense that they are pulling away rather than letting them flow naturally out of my life.

Two of the hard realizations that I’ve had to face are: 1) I can only control my own actions and not those of others and 2) not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever and it is okay to let people go if their presence is causing us pain, even if we care deeply about them.

It is so tempting to hold onto the idea that if we keep trying to impress, keep being loyal, keep sleeping with, keep pouring attention into someone that they might change their ways and make us a permanent and integrated part of their life. That if enough time is invested, they might eventually see us like we’ve never been seen and love us like we‘ve always wanted to be loved.

But speaking personally, as I tune back into reality and survey the situation objectively, I see that this approach is damaging to my mental health (as it sounds like it is to yours) and is a way for me to distract myself from the truth: that nobody is responsible for my happiness but me and that I can’t control people’s hearts or actions.

In an ideal world it would be great if people were always honest with their intentions, but half the time people don’t even know what they want let alone being able to express it. On the other hand, some people are just thoughtless, selfish schmucks who don’t care in the least how their actions impact others. Learning how to identify these patterns has been a great and humbling lesson.

I feel this post so hard, I really do. It sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation and are doing a lot of awesome things for yourself, like therapy (I’m right there with you). Sending you a big hug and best wishes with your healing.

genders are guilty of this....

It goes both ways. I was deeply and hopelessly in love with a woman that would not introduce me to friends, family or coworkers. Many family events or events tied to her culturally I was good enough to drive her to and pick her up from, but not allowed to attend. Even though it was a couple of years ago, the time we were together and the time we lived together was the best I have ever known in my life.

Now that I am in the final third of my life, I know I have been too damaged from the loss of that relationship to ever be in a position to try again with someone new. I know that she’ll always be the only person I will ever really deeply love and to this day I think about her many times a day even after a couple of years.

So it’s not only women that can be damaged by getting in too deep, it happens to men too. It’s a general human condition.

For women, this is the story of our romantic lives. We want love with sex, they want sex. It's a situation as old as time. Yes, I'm generalizing, but it's a general truth with all the usual exceptions.

That it’s only sex they wanted we wouldn’t be with them

I'm a woman and I had a boyfriend in college and the sex was great. However it really bothered him that he wasn't in love with me, but it didn't bother me at all. I just enjoyed it for what it was. So you can't really generalize. Women can be in it for the sex too.

The problem I see here is that you don't value yourself. You sleep with men without them claiming you as their girlfriend and/or you engage into "friends with benefits". Men value what they invest in. For once, allow men to invest their time and energy in getting to know you and to fall in love with you first prior to sex. Men do love but not with someone who don't know their worth.

Wow you are so unique and special. Totally not like other girls.

Not the OP. While I see where you're coming from, speaking from experience what you recommend is easier said than done. It is quite difficult to value yourself when you have been taught by others that you have limited value. It's a vicious cycle.

If you're coming from a place of deficit, often it takes one or two people to externally recognize your value prior to being able to find confidence in yourself. A good therapist who is on your side can be a good starting place.