Pushing the thoughts away

I confess that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts at some extremely difficult times in my long life. I have C-PTSD and it’s a constant battle to maintain my happiness and keep moving forward in spite of feeling worthless much of the time. I’ve conquered so many challenges, but this latest one just has me feeling like there’s no longer any point. I used to say that I’d never do it because I loved my family so much that I’d never want to hurt them like that. But now, I no longer have them and I’m just wondering what’s stopping me now. It just feels pointless to keep pretending and battling when there’s no one left to protect.

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it can get better

Sep 17, 2020 at 3:52pm

I have C-PTSD too and have managed to heal and improve my symptoms greatly. Best of luck to you.

18 8Rating: +10

Anonymous

Sep 17, 2020 at 4:10pm

I want to start by saying I hear you. The love and support of family can and will keep many a life afloat, and I am truly sorry you lost yours. We share this and it took a lifetime for me to want the next day to come instead of wanting to end it.

In trying to offer a word of help, I can only muster this: They taught you love and how to be yourself. They helped you get this far. But they too buried their parents, their sister and brothers, loved ones alike. And they did not give up there. Your life is only yours. You are the sole master of your destiny and one day you will not only find love, but a new family to call your own. Even if it takes 5-10 years, it IS worth your life to pursue that happiness.

And inane as it sounds, now you are allowed to embark on your own journey of self. You get to learn how to protect yourself and build a new life. It will be quiet and it will be lonely, but if you allow yourself, you will find ways to cope. You will find ways to breath and love again.

Wishing you luck and light on your quest.
Please give yourself the chance to keep going, even just for one day at a time. I believe in you, that much is true.

19 7Rating: +12

Why not

Sep 17, 2020 at 5:44pm

just keep going? See what happens? The world is a total shit show right now and it might get better or it might get worse. But we are all ultimately in the same boat on spaceship Earth and this chaotic journey. The world might end in, like, ten years anyways and then you will have missed beating witness to some pretty intense things that maybe you were actually put here to observe. Who knows. I think there must be a reason why we’re all here and whether you realize it or not your life is precious and important, no matter how bad you might feel sometimes. I’ve been there too. I Survived a suicide attempt nine years ago and went on to spend the following years travelling to some of the worlds most beautiful historic places. You just never know. I’m glad I survived and that my health was not affected. Please hang in there.

30 9Rating: +21

Please

Sep 17, 2020 at 7:33pm

just relegate suicidal thoughts to the dustbin and progress forward with a dream or hope or desire, whatever it is for you. Your mental energy is better spent on the positive within and this will become apparent with the passage of time. Be well.

8 16Rating: -8

Find someone to protect

Sep 17, 2020 at 8:34pm

be a hero. Provide for the health and welfare of a little one

Op

Sep 17, 2020 at 8:58pm

Thank you for the kind words of support. I’m not planning anything imminent, but the thoughts that always sustained me before about needing to protect the ones I love are giving way to a new possibility. I’m not young, and I just feel so exhausted and defeated lately. Like no matter how hard I try, there’s nothing left that holds enough appeal to keep me here. I feel rootless now, as if I could just float away and no one would even notice. Just feeling like finally giving in because the reasons to keep on fighting are gone. Anyway, now I’m just depressing myself so I just wanted to say thanks to GS and you readers for giving me a place to say it without actually saying it.

27 4Rating: +23

Anonymous

Sep 17, 2020 at 11:57pm

I know it's not very likely to help, but I do hope you know that there's nothing wrong with you. As trite as it sounds, an abnormal reaction to abnormal circumstances is normal. We weren't meant to live like this, segregated from each other, far away from nature and beauty. Sending you my prayers, I hope you find the courage to keep trying new things. Maybe check out the multidisciplinary association for psychedelic research; ptsd and cptsd are pretty different, but treatment might still be effective for you. Best of luck!

17 3Rating: +14

Please connect with suicide help line

Sep 18, 2020 at 3:48pm

There may be no one around to protect anymore but everyone has value. Let me rephrase that. Every single person has value. Including yourself. There are resources to help you through this. Sometimes it's harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please connect with the suicide help line before you make any other decisions. 833-456-4566. There are people who will listen. And people who may help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Do this for yourself.

4 4Rating: 0

Question

Sep 18, 2020 at 4:27pm

What happened to your family?
Did they all die (seems unlikely as there hasn't been anything about a whole family dying in the news) or did they turn their backs on you? And if so why?

3 7Rating: -4

Anonymous

Sep 18, 2020 at 6:46pm

You are not alone. There is some great peer support in Vancouver. I recommend the mdabc peer support groups. They take place online. They don’t necessarily relate specifically to cptsd but they are open to anyone who, for example, lives with anxiety or depression and a variety of other mental health issues.

7 3Rating: +4

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