Lost my inspiration

I’ve had a severe depression for several years now, after I became disabled and lost my job as a result. I’ve tried antidepressants and while they helped keep me alive, I also felt so ~meh~ that I went off of them just to feel something at all. The worst part for me is the feeling of absolute numbness. I’m also an artist and I haven’t done any art in about 2 years. I just feel nothing. Thanks to the physical problems as well as the depression (a vicious cycle and a which-came-first situation) I have severe fatigue and pain, making it very hard to even stay awake many days. I’m struggling to find enough strength and energy to overcome the crash of my self confidence that happened after losing my career (I was a professional and an artist on the side). I want to work but I feel so fragile that the thought of actually putting myself out there again is so terrifying that the anxiety is paralyzing. I miss creating and I’m scared that this time it’s gone for good.

11 Comments

Post a Comment

Anonymous

Oct 29, 2020 at 11:52am

Being strung out on anything will get in the way of creativity.

Same situation more or less

Oct 29, 2020 at 12:52pm

Big losses over last two years in multiple areas - love, finances, health and... inspiration.

But it’s slowly coming, as I settle into a kind routine for myself. We’re not static beings - we are always changing. So just as loss is one side of the coin, so is gain. If we can lose things, we can gain things.

I remember scoffing a year back when I read all seemingly negative events are blessings in disguise. I think some have so much disguise, it is hard to find the blessing. And sometimes the blessing isn’t what we think it should be, but even better, given time.

Biggest thing about creating again after a lull is making regular time for it and trying to not criticize it or compare it to what you did before. It will be different and it is still forming - you wouldn’t criticize a toddler for not walking straight away, do the same thing for your creating, having absolute faith in the fact that we all have the ability to create and you never lost it, truly, you just lost sight of it a while.

And look after your body and mind too. Try to eat regularly, it’s hard with depression but if you are not fuelling yourself, your mind will suffer. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to a friend - if you don’t trust your friends to reach out to, look for others, or find a counsellor.

Whatever your creative ability or abilities were, look to others who are doing the same. For numbness, read books or watch movies that make you “feel” or try doing something that’s novel and stirs uncertainty...

Sounds like you’ve been through some really rough times. But don’t give up on creating again. you’ll find your spark again... give it time (but also gentle effort).

22 8Rating: +14

Will

Oct 29, 2020 at 12:59pm

If you don't like how you are thinking or feeling, change the action you are engaged in when having those thoughts or feelings.
There is no magic pill. It is up to you. You have to decide to take action, regardless of how you are thinking or feeling.
I've been there. I'm not there anymore, even though some of those thoughts and feelings still persist from time to time.
Just change your actions. You can do it!

Imagination.

Oct 29, 2020 at 2:18pm

You are going through a lot. If you have the means to take any creative or work pressures off of yourself I wonder if that would help. Allow yourself to experience the sadness or fragility and don't put yourself out there yet maybe. If you need to sleep and are in pain, sleep. If you feel like sitting and looking out the window, allow yourself without assigning guilt for not looking for work. My rule for myself is if I don't have the financial and energetic resources to allow myself to move slowly through depression and pain, finding a source of income takes priority over my artistic expression. There are likely jobs online that will allow you to take breaks when you need to and won't expose your feelings of vulnerability to other people. Perhaps you could job hunt while still attending therapy to help you, if that is something you are open to. Once you are on solid financial footing, or if you already are, you could start exploring ways to create again. My suggestion for this is just to make pretend things in your mind. I know that sounds a little ridiculous but when we are depressed it is difficult to find energy and motivation to make physical things or complete tasks. I like to imagine the projects I'm going to create or come up with ideas for tv shows when I have no motivation to actually get up and make things. Day dreaming is a lost art when the internet can take over our minds. I hope you find your way through. It's a tough time in the world and made even harder for those of us in chronic pain, both mental and physical.

I had a bf who was on anti-depressants

Oct 29, 2020 at 6:04pm

and he smoked cannabis to actually feel and get away from the blah/meh state
Also had a bf who had schizophrenia who also smoked cannabis for the same reason.
I use it (more vaping or edibles) for creativity and pain/nausea-relief.

15 7Rating: +8

I'm also an artist

Oct 29, 2020 at 8:55pm

Just ease yourself back into it. Grab some pencil and paper. Start doodling. The rest will come.

14 7Rating: +7

F. Guhmp

Oct 29, 2020 at 9:48pm

I as an athletic kid. Exercise was never a chore. Had some concussions. Other injuries etc. Doctors tried over 12 medications over ten years. I was tired of being tired. Zombie. Robbed of all emotion. They tried stimulants, too. I made the choice to stop taking them... gradually of course. After all that bs. The only thing that has had a positive effect was changing diet, and light exercise. I’m better now, not perfect. But it doesn’t feel like I’m living a lie anymore. These dr.’s are playing with fire... AND they know it. Oh well. Can’t harbour any additional resentment. At the end of the day... it’s your choice. Make it while you’re still able. All the best.

We are in

Oct 30, 2020 at 4:48pm

the grips of a pandemic, risk of total economic shutdown, a catastrophic mental health and opioid crisis, complete ravaging of the planet due to climate change, and all you can think about is what people are wearing?

7 9Rating: -2

@We are in

Oct 31, 2020 at 1:51am

What are you talking about? I think you’re commenting on the wrong post.

9 6Rating: +3

I just became writer recently.

Oct 31, 2020 at 8:00pm

I had maxed out on emotional pain nearly 50 years of stuffing everyone's bullshit and my own led me to the blow point. So I started writing graffiti like hearts at first, then little slogans near under or around them. I progressed to trying to write the same letter for nearly 3 yrs. When I had expelled all of the hurt and sorrow thats when He showed up and put me back together. So if your an artist express who cares how it looks (I was thinking at one point dude fuck you've made a mess) , my point is it had to happen. So paint, sculpt and or dance from the pain in your heart. If it lives there, but no matter what do not worry what anyone thinks especially yourself. Before you know im guessing your creating again.

8 8Rating: 0

Join the Discussion

What's your name?