Worrying day

Just skip this one if suicide is not your cup of tea to read about. Woke up 2am last night and just started breaking down as thoughts of a hopeless situation flooded in my mind. Never thought I'd meet my real life dream girl but there's no doubt I have. My dream to love a woman has never come true and I'm clearly not good enough again. I'm 45 and I'm tired of being me...of being alone...it's all so pointless. There's not a woman out there looking to date a middle aged addict with fucking zero relationship experience. That's a double whammy of female repellent. No girlfriends ever??? I'm either a serial womanizer or a complete loser, take your pick. Today I kept saying "I just wanna go home." as the tears flowed now and again. Everything I did was muted and unenjoyable. My usually excellent Saturday gym visit was just awful, not even seeing her there broke through my gloom. Cancelled lunch with a good friend...just wanted to be alone. Drove around crying here and there, imagining a quick jerk of the wheel to end it all at 100 kmh on a back road. If I was capable of this shit my ashes would have been spread back in 2001. Just can't do it to myself and leave my immediate family with that kind of pain. 19 years I've been wishing for the end while hiding it deep down like a good aquarius. But the volume of bad thoughts I'm now experiencing is fuckin high and it's scaring me. I'm so ready to go. I just want to be at peace. If I awake in 7 hours as usual we'll see how it goes for another day. It's just...you know...I think I'm slipping away. Hope you good people out there with love in your lives can just take a moment right now and be extra thankful for that one person on this earth that means the world to you. If they're beside you right now just let them know again how important they are. If just one of you do this now you've made my existence worthwhile tonight. Love to you all. Don't let it slip away.

17 Comments

Post a Comment

The road is shiny

Oct 11, 2020 at 6:07am

the wheels slide
Fortune is going for a different ride

5 4Rating: +1

You can't truly love someone else

Oct 11, 2020 at 8:59am

If you don't love yourself first.
that said. If you are alive there is still time to find that love. :)

7 3Rating: +4

Love to you as well

Oct 11, 2020 at 9:37am

I wish you well and I hope you make it through this depression. You have a lot to offer and you never know, you could end up in a relationship in a few months! Work on yourself and loving yourself cause if you don’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love anyone else?
Hang in there and go for lunch with that friend.

11 2Rating: +9

Don't depend on death to liberate you

Oct 11, 2020 at 10:03am

from your imperfections. You are exactly the same after death as you were before. Nothing changes; you only give up the body. If you area thief or a liar or a cheater before death, you don't become an angel merely by dying. If such were possible then let us all go and jump in the ocean now and become angels at once! Whatever you have made of yourself thus far, so will you be hereafter. And when you reincarnate, you will bring that same nature with you. To change, you have to make the effort. This world is the place to do it. -- Paramahansa Yogananda

13 7Rating: +6

P.harris

Oct 11, 2020 at 10:45am

I think we all can relate to what you are going through! Dont give up, keep pushing forwards, you mentioned "addict" maybe this has alot to do with your emotions right now! Try and step back and have a look around the world is a beautiful place when your mindset changes and you are positive its very attractive to the people around you then you will be surrounded by lovely people xx

14 2Rating: +12

Looking glass

Oct 11, 2020 at 12:46pm

Hey there – good confession. I recognized myself in a lot of it, including the history of addiction and suicidal thinking, not feeling comforted by being around "comforting" people when in distress, and attempts to avoid being judged for not having a lot of relationship experience (or friends in general, in my case). And for what it's worth, I'm also an Aquarius with a lot of internal hiding places.

I don't think not ever having been in a relationship is a dealbreaker by any means. There are a lot of individual and societal reasons why people remain single. I had a year-long relationship that ended in 2008 and that was the last official one in my books. Some people will judge and make the assumptions you list here. Others will get it and accept you. It's a matter of identifying who is who, and it may be easier than you think to do so if you already have decent intuition and a good asshole radar.

You probably already know this in an intellectual sense (your emotions will scream otherwise), but it's good to keep in mind that no one person is able to fulfill a dream or complete you. You are already complete as you are. If one of your addictions is to love, like me, this is a hard lesson to learn.

I don't know about you, but in the recent past my mind would frequently escape into a blissful, imagined future where I could experience love from a particular person. This caused me to completely neglect the present and eventually my mental health and capacity to function day to day crumbled. Finally (after an extensive and necessary dark period) I decided I had to bring it back to bare bones basics and find happiness in the moment, rather than escaping into an alternate universe. It's hard, but keep at it and you can do it. Even if you can find 5 minutes of deep breathing exercises on YouTube that is great. Closing your eyes and connecting with your breath in a slow, focused way sounds like a ridiculous remedy but it really helps.

From one Aquarius to another, you sound like a good person who should stick around on this earth. I hope you do. Take it day by day.

21 2Rating: +19

Goose and Gander

Oct 11, 2020 at 3:23pm

Advice on this forum (from women replying to other women confessing the same feelings about guys) applies to yourself as well.
Don't judge yourself based on your worth to others.

8 3Rating: +5

Keep living man

Oct 11, 2020 at 5:48pm

The way you write, it is obvious you are a thoughtful and intelligent individual. Keep on keeping on. Your past is your past... Today is today. Know you are awesome and you have the capacity to be kind, loving and giving. Someone will see this... Be vulnerable if you can... But show yourself compassion if you do experience rejection... Just never reject yourself. Keep living! Lots of love

10 3Rating: +7

Pumping Iron:)

Oct 11, 2020 at 6:32pm

You looking for love at the gym, hummm
Its a bar with dumb weights.
Pick up place.
But most people at the gym are in love with their own muscles, and their own reflection in the mirror.
So they wont be looking at you or anyone !
Try Walking outside.
Quite the workout and some semi fresh air.
Maybe you will bump into someone nice and
Dont worry about your past.
Its in the past.
We learn something new every damn day.
Life

7 4Rating: +3

Hey Aquarius

Oct 11, 2020 at 6:34pm

Where in the post did it say this person was Aquarius.
You using your mind fuck again.
Scary as usual.
And wrong :O

5 6Rating: -1

Join the Discussion

What's your name?