Just skip this one if suicide is not your cup of tea to read about. Woke up 2am last night and just started breaking down as thoughts of a hopeless situation flooded in my mind. Never thought I'd meet my real life dream girl but there's no doubt I have. My dream to love a woman has never come true and I'm clearly not good enough again. I'm 45 and I'm tired of being me...of being alone...it's all so pointless. There's not a woman out there looking to date a middle aged addict with fucking zero relationship experience. That's a double whammy of female repellent. No girlfriends ever??? I'm either a serial womanizer or a complete loser, take your pick. Today I kept saying "I just wanna go home." as the tears flowed now and again. Everything I did was muted and unenjoyable. My usually excellent Saturday gym visit was just awful, not even seeing her there broke through my gloom. Cancelled lunch with a good friend...just wanted to be alone. Drove around crying here and there, imagining a quick jerk of the wheel to end it all at 100 kmh on a back road. If I was capable of this shit my ashes would have been spread back in 2001. Just can't do it to myself and leave my immediate family with that kind of pain. 19 years I've been wishing for the end while hiding it deep down like a good aquarius. But the volume of bad thoughts I'm now experiencing is fuckin high and it's scaring me. I'm so ready to go. I just want to be at peace. If I awake in 7 hours as usual we'll see how it goes for another day. It's just...you know...I think I'm slipping away. Hope you good people out there with love in your lives can just take a moment right now and be extra thankful for that one person on this earth that means the world to you. If they're beside you right now just let them know again how important they are. If just one of you do this now you've made my existence worthwhile tonight. Love to you all. Don't let it slip away.