Guilt

I'm married to a woman far more attractive to me who loves me and is honest with me, and I spend my time secretly fantasizing about one that (in my opinion) is less attractive and treated me like crap.

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Sad but true

Nov 28, 2020 at 5:06am

Sometimes we obsess over people who treated us like shit, perhaps because it has created a series of unresolved questions in our brain that we orbit around and around trying to answer.

But even if you were to get together with the person you are fantasizing about and have an (unlikely) successful outcome this time, would the escapist fantasy cycle just start all over again once you were treated well? What is it about punishment that is so compelling?

Maybe it’s time for a deep dive into deservedness of love.

18 6Rating: +12

Anonymous

Nov 28, 2020 at 7:33am

I still have sex dreams about my abuser.

Welcome 2 PlanetEarthSchool 4 the DevelopmentallyChallenged

Nov 28, 2020 at 8:43am

Our present curriculum is to overcome tunnel-vision are realize every one of us evolutionary intergalactic hominoids has a light side and a shadow side. The wonderful singer/songwriter Joni Mitchell referred to it in her song 'Both Sides Now' While we are in this Earth curriculum, there are a variety of campus to choose from; be they the rare remnants of faith patterns that have stayed uncorrupted or the true inheritors of the rare enlightened secular schools ie. Carl Jung ........ Keep a cheerful heart ... You can and you will succeed if you: Walk good Sisters and Brothers <><><><> OCM Sto'lo salutations

14 8Rating: +6

It's called...

Nov 28, 2020 at 12:47pm

Sadomasochism.

9 9Rating: 0

Ummm

Nov 28, 2020 at 3:02pm

If you married the less attractive one you would now be fantasizing about the more attractive one. It's called the Coolidge Effect. Why, you ask. The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around a farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

15 6Rating: +9

@Sad

Nov 28, 2020 at 3:40pm

Yes I think this is it.
I've also wondered a lot about that 2nd part. If things did work out with the other in the future, would I just eventually repeat the cycle?
I honestly don't know the answer to that.

17 3Rating: +14

Question

Nov 28, 2020 at 4:12pm

Was this other woman an actual girlfriend?
And if not, how did she treat you like crap?

18 8Rating: +10

@@ Sad

Nov 28, 2020 at 4:58pm

Honesty with the self is a good first step. The only reason why I knew how to write that comment is because this has also been my experience.

I’ve had huge issues with feelings of unworthiness my whole life and think this is where the pattern stems from in my case.

10 3Rating: +7

@Question

Nov 28, 2020 at 5:02pm

No, she wasn't.
Drama. Ambiguity. Mixed messages. Lack of respect for boundaries. Attempts to sabotage my relationship.
To be fair I wasn't very nice to her either. I felt quite used and confused, and had (still have) a lot of unresolved questions as 'Sad' pointed out.

17 8Rating: +9

Any chance

Nov 28, 2020 at 5:05pm

you had a Catholic upbringing like me?
They're big on guilt and self-punishment.

14 2Rating: +12

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