I’m stuck at

my parents’ place and my father is turning alcoholic and becoming abusive towards me. I have no income right now and nowhere to go, and no one I can ask for help. He was always abusive to me and now it’s starting again and I’m 38!! My Mom invited me here and wants me to stay but she enables him even though he’s abusive to her also. Never thought I’d be in this situation at my age. And now we are h adding into another lockdown. Just brutal.

14 Comments

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Your choice

Nov 20, 2020 at 12:35am

Get out now, while you can, or risk getting stuck there in a possible lockdown. Or are you worried about your mom and want to protect her?

24 6Rating: +18

I have been...

Nov 20, 2020 at 5:56am

... in the same boat for about seven years now. Get out before they destroy you. People are much more resilient to abuse at, say, 8-20 years old than at 38. This sort of thing will quickly destroy you if you don't get out. When I moved back home to take care of my abusive mother after a family member died, I was healthy, mentally and physically. Over the last several years, I have declined to the point where now I sleep all day to avoid seeing her. My dad left her when I was about five, and now I see why---get out before you've been reduced to a husk of a person.

19 4Rating: +15

I was in the same place

Nov 20, 2020 at 8:06am

I was in your situation close to the same age too. I had no money but left anyway and have no regrets. I dont know how bad the abuse is but I used a credit card to pay for things like hotel rooms, food, travel until I got a job. I maxed out the card and it took a few years to pay off but leaving asap was worth every dollar. My heart goes out to you. It's a horrible situation to be in. Just know you will find strength and safety when you leave.

19 4Rating: +15

Resources

Nov 20, 2020 at 8:16am

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. It's not easy living in a household with an abusive parent. There are resources out there for these situations such as safe shelters and transition houses: https://bcsth.ca/get-help-now/safe-shelters/
They offer different level of staging houses that may be beneficial to you and your mom. I hope you the best and please know there is help out there for those in your situation.

14 5Rating: +9

If you want to reach out

Nov 20, 2020 at 9:01am

WAVAW or BWSS would both be great places to call for support, safety planning, strategizing.

15 3Rating: +12

Human nature

Nov 20, 2020 at 11:52am

I lived with a mentally abusive partner and was going to school and poor as a church mouse. Unfortunately in this situation you are at their mercy because it’s like “if you don’t like it then leave”. Which is what I did.

15 3Rating: +12

Anonymous

Nov 20, 2020 at 1:47pm

You should be eligible to get into a shelter if you are facing violence in the home.

17 4Rating: +13

Thanks for the advice.

Nov 20, 2020 at 8:27pm

I would leave but because of Covid I’m not sure that shelters would be safe right now. Also they have a very nice home so it would not make sense to leave that to go into a shelter. I am worried about my Mom because she is so co-dependent and sensitive. I end up being the one to stand up to him, not her, and then he lashes out and all she does is get really upset which isn’t helpful. It’s such a messed up marriage they have. She actually becomes physically ill with anxiety but still wants to pretend they have a great marriage and that he is a good person. Anything to avoid conflict. Then I end up being the one to actually deal with things because I refuse to let him get away with being a controlling mysoginist. Also he tries to deny the abuse he inflicted on me in the past. I really need my mom to grow a backbone and divorce him, but I don’t think she ever will. Last night he shoved me and yelled in my face for an hour because I objected to him saying that he was a great dad to me and never was abusive and that it’s all in my head. Every evening he drinks a bottle of wine and some scotch and becomes more aggressive as the drinking progresses. Today he apologized to me and is very quiet and my mom is in bed feeling sick and unable to function. I am fine. I got up this morning and attended to some business downtown and came back here around 5pm. Fine but so tired of this crappy pattern I’ve lived with my whole life. I will leave as soon as I make a plan. Thanks again.

16 3Rating: +13

38 special

Nov 20, 2020 at 8:30pm

If by 38 you have yet to come to the conclusion that you are the driving force in your life and that the only support you need is the legs under you. If you are not the ruler of your world , Than who is?
PS.. Dear Dad, Next rounds on me.

@38 Special

Nov 20, 2020 at 10:23pm

Oh and are you perfect with a perfect life? What a dumbass comment to make during a pandemic when tons of people have lost everything.

18 5Rating: +13

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