It hurts

It hurts me when strangers ask me if I have children. I want a child badly, but I'm now almost too old to have one. I didn't choose this situation; my story is complicated, like many others'. I just wish people would think before asking what they believe to be a simple question. For many of us, it's not simple — infertility, miscarriages, trouble adopting, etc. It's a very sensitive topic for some of us. That's all. Thank you.

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Anonymous

Jan 18, 2021 at 10:35pm

Who the hell in their right mind wants to bring innocent children into this world?

I gave that idea a knock on the head over 15 years ago. I'd sooner end up puking my guts out in the gutter than face children who themselves face a 21st century form of slavery/feudalism.

Don't be sad

Jan 18, 2021 at 11:10pm

Life is largely meaningless chaos. Why would any thoughtful person want to bring another sufferer into this world?

Your grief is real

Jan 19, 2021 at 12:21am

However there are volunteer opportunities with decent service organizations and NGO's that help children in need ... "There was a man/woman who gave so much they called her/him mad; but the more he/she gave, the more she/he had." - John Bunyan 'Pilgrims Progress' >>>>>>> "Live for yourself and you will live in vain; Live for others, you will live again" - Bob Marley 'Pass It On'

14 8Rating: +6

Reply w/

Jan 19, 2021 at 1:12am

Ask them where their grandparents are?

13 7Rating: +6

Agree

Jan 19, 2021 at 5:05am

I would never ask someone if they have kids for the reasons OP mentions and because I wouldn’t want someone to feel that they have to defend their choice not to.

Same goes for “do you have a partner?”

No one should be made to feel sad for something they long for but don’t have, or feel looked down upon for not adhering to the status quo when they didn’t want to do so in the first place.

13 5Rating: +8

(( a ))

Jan 19, 2021 at 6:45am

@OP - Even though I'm not female, I feel you on that. Interestingly I saw earlier that the oldest women documented to ever have a child were 66, 70, and possibly one over 70, if I'm remembering correctly, which is kind of amazing to me. Not that the vast majority of people would want to do it at those ages because of physical deterioration and other kinds of understandably regular biological complications that almost all of us seem locked into, but learning about those later aged healthy childbirths was surprising to me, as I'd heard earlier that the oldest documented was 59 or something.

@Anonymous(1)

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I've thought about the whole problem of suffering in relation to having children for a long time now as well, and have decided that either:

1) Human existence (forced / non-consentual embodiment + total amnesia of the infinity and fullness of our nonphysical Home + becoming this easily harmable + the ~99.999% stifling of awareness) is too unethical for me to deliberately bring more of it into a world and universe that is also so inherently unethically designed (killing and eating other living beings just to remain physical, for example)

or

2) That I'd only ever do that if the child(ren) wouldn't actually suffer or be deprived essentially at all, apart from very minor and brief unavoidable and reversible things, like a stubbed toe and what have you. And that they would more or less experience almost entirely far into the spectrum of immense freedom, Love, peace, ecstasy, euphoria, effortlessness, deep connection and interbeing surrounded by those they deeply love and who love them, and progressive de-limitation of experience and ability, catapulting into something really, really fun and expansive that is still virtually nonexistent on this planet right now, in terms of human life.

If it's not 2), then it's defaulting to 1) and I'm just not going to do it, ever. Period. Being responsible for or even avoidably indirectly contributing to ethics violations is not something I will ever be okay with, even though as humans it is still often hard to avoid in certain situations.

7 7Rating: 0

Ouch

Jan 19, 2021 at 10:56am

I had people ask me that, not knowing I'd had a miscarriage, and it would stir up a lot of pain.

I don't know why people ask such questions - in my opinion, it's just insensitive. I guess they're trying to make conversation but to me, it smacks of being judgmental, and may inadvertently cause pain. Best of luck and hope they stop asking.

12 5Rating: +7

E_M

Jan 19, 2021 at 7:55pm

Generally speaking, it’s a terrible idea to ask people personal questions around relationships & children. Humans can be well meaning but highly insensitive. They might simply be trying to get to know you better, without realizing they are causing terrible emotional distress. Bottom line: Everyone has a different story and what works for YOU might not work for someone else at ALL, such as being married, being single, having children, not having children, living in the suburbs, living nowhere near the suburbs. Humans are also terrible at understanding that EVERYONE has a complex, winding road to navigate, not just themselves. I hope your path unfolds exactly as it’s meant to, Op.

20 3Rating: +17

@Your grief is real

Jan 19, 2021 at 9:57pm

I'm the OP. Thanks for your advice, but I'm a teacher for young children — and I work about ten hours a day. If I had time and energy to volunteer, I would. I kind of need to take care of myself, you know?

12 3Rating: +9

You do realize

Jan 20, 2021 at 7:01am

What kind of world they would be inheriting?
Theres more to life than having a mini-me

12 6Rating: +6

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