i'm conflicted. i'm having a very hard time. i adore the wrong person who bears no interest and even if they did, things would remain as they are. where i'm constantly ignored and then pulled back when they feel they've almost lost me. they're too self-absorbed to realize they've hurt me. it is terribly unhealthy. i'm no advocate for seeing someone to get over someone but i do feel if the pandemic weren't here, i could go on some wonderful dates and it would all be fine. i might not fall in love but it would help. now, i spend all my time alone. afraid of casually meeting someone, afraid that my mental health doesn't validate it. it's been especially awful this month. i am deteriorating, i feel so physically alone. i go to work, it's all fine, i come home and the sinking in my stomach reverberates throughout my body. i just want to kiss someone and be held, i guess. have company. that's it.