Can't sleep forever

posted February 4th, 2021 at 10:02 AM

I am so depressed that I have not been showering often.. probably once a week when I used to shower every day. I used to find joy in waking up and taking care of myself, getting nicely dressed, playing music while putting on makeup etc.. Lately in the morning I just stare at the ceiling in my dark basement suite wishing I hadn't woken up at all. I look forward to night time so I can fall asleep and dream. My dreams take me away and although I'm depressed the dreams are often more pleasant than real life. Last night I had a dream that I was walking through a forrest. The sun was beaming through the trees creating lines of golden glitter in the air. Not a soul was around except the birds and me which normally would make me feel empty but I felt so at peace. It felt like a something out of a magical land with mystical creatures. There was the sound of a river and the trees were so tall and green. All of a sudden I saw a man walking toward me. It was my dad. He held my hand and told me everything would be okay and then I woke up. I woke up crying and am tearing up as I write this now. I wish I could have slept longer to stay there with my dad and the beauty of the forrest. Since he passed when I was eight years old I have only had a small number of dreams of him. When I do dream of him I wake up happy but not this time. It just reminded me again of what I have lost, and that life in unfair does not care whether I am depressed or not.. Wallowing in sadness has never been something I would do but now I find myself here. Maybe this is something I have to wait out. I wish it would end because I'm so tired and it's dragging on.

19 Comments

Me too

Feb 4, 2021 at 1:08pm

The only thing getting me through this pandemic is sleep.

Recipe for Ending Depression

Feb 4, 2021 at 1:45pm

Many of us are experiencing the same thing during this pandemic. My heart goes out to you! Maybe your dream is a sign to begin “forest bathing,” which is something I’m trying. Seriously. Look it up. It’s a great antidote against depression. Find a wee patch of forest and just breathe. We’ll get through this!

just listen

Feb 4, 2021 at 2:28pm

Listen to your father's words from the dream. Everything will be ok. You may feel depressed now, but you know that eventually it will pass. You haven't always been depressed every single day of your life. Instead of focusing on negative things like what has been taken away from you in this life, try focusing on the things you have. A home, for example. Or enough food to eat. The family and friends that you do have. Many people in this world don't have these things. Be truly thankful for everything you have, and you will find no reason to be depressed.

Anonymous

Feb 4, 2021 at 3:54pm

Sounds to me like your dream is a portent of a future time when you go to Heaven and get to meet your father.

not alone

Feb 4, 2021 at 3:58pm

I dreamt of my mother last night for the first time in years. She passed 17 years ago when I was in my teens. This is a pleasure and a curse that I have not had in some time.

Check out ‘My Year of Rest and Relaxation’ by Ottessa Moshfegh. It’s about a woman who falls into similar patterns in the years after her parent’s deaths. It’s effect was palpable and I hope by the time you finish it, you may feel the same (somewhat insane) hope I did.

We are not alone.

Fare Thee Well

Feb 4, 2021 at 4:37pm

I too just exist. Try a little tv. Nope. Want to smash the screen. Phone. Nope. Deleted everything. Just tired of all the targeted advertising. I think if a stranger shoved their butt in my face I’d be less offended. Baader-meinof phenomenon. It’s worse than déjà vu. Targeted harassment. But again it’s my choice to stare at those pixels. Done with it all. Throwing it all away. Music was my passion. Now it’s annoying af. Classical calm stuff to. My brain is letting me know it’s time to wrap things up.

Cat

Feb 4, 2021 at 6:09pm

So many people are experiencing great hardship and suffering.I understand that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning from the world of dreams.I often wake up and start crying.You are not alone in how you feel and whe n this pandemic nears its end,there will be a reckoning of the damage done.I encourage you to reach out and seek support.It has helped me alot but there are days when I fight not even wanting to wake up.

Shinrin yoku

Feb 4, 2021 at 9:04pm

Have you tried going to the forest? It could help... I deal with PTSD and health problems with no cure. The woods help me though. I hope you can find something that will help. Stay strong!

Yes

Feb 4, 2021 at 9:23pm

You are not alone. I can’t wait to dream at night now, but I’m so depressed I can’t sleep. This is new also. First time in my life where I haven’t washed my hair in weeks. I hide it in my hat. Sigh.

Me too

Feb 4, 2021 at 11:48pm

I've been having dreams about my previous partner. He was my friend after we parted and then died years after. I just wish i could talk to him. Why am i dreaming about him now? It was so long ago.

Lately tears come easily and without warning. I'm so sorry you lost your father.