I want to kill myself

Hello. I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. I’ve dropped out from college twice this year and I feel like an absolute failure. The thing that pushed me over was having my last miscarriage as I found out I cannot have my own children. I just don’t want to exist anymore. It’s very hard to find help in my city as no one is taking patients. And online therapy I do not have the money for. I feel so hopeless that I’m started to neglect my dog. It makes me feel so horrible I can do this to him. I know that this is basically a rant but I do not have anyone else to talk to because my husband works to make money and I don’t want to make him worried about me. Thank you kind strangers I appreciate you for listening.


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Feb 22, 2021 at 2:03pm

You should talk to your husband about this, so you're not suffering alone. He may already be worried about you - if you talk to him, he may be able to give you some of the emotional support you need right now. So sorry to hear about the miscarriage - I've had two, and it can be such a devastating time. Sending you a cyber hug, and positive thoughts for healing.

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Lots of love to you

Feb 22, 2021 at 2:51pm

I just want to tell you that what you're feeling is valid and you're not alone.

I'm glad you connected with us here because I am sure there are many of us who totally get it.

When I'm feeling hopeless I start to neglect things too – can't cook, can't clean, can hardly get out of bed. And then that starts a negative thought pattern of "you should be doing..." and I feel even more worthless.

It's so easy to feel this way when the world is telling us that our value is tied up in what we do, what we produce, what degrees and titles we have, etc. I am here to tell you that I think you are valuable just for being here and being you. I think a lot of us are starting to connect those dots and realize that the system we live in is doing a lot of harm to our mental health.

Take it day by day and give yourself grace to move through grief at your own pace. Offering a warm internet hug if desired.

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We're with you

Feb 22, 2021 at 3:50pm

Miscarriage is hard to deal with, messes with your hormones, too. I think if you call the crisis line that might help and also you could ask for an emergency referral for counselling. Try it. You have nothing to lose. Let us know how it goes, people out there care! hugs
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Feb 22, 2021 at 4:21pm

Check out the VCH Access and Assessment Centre (AAC), maybe they can help you. Depression is brutal, I live with it also. It's hard to find help in BC, but don't give up. Depression is an illness, It can be treated. Nothing is hopeless.

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Lovely L.

Feb 22, 2021 at 6:33pm

Sending you love. I will pray for you.

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Just J

Feb 23, 2021 at 5:00am

First if all I understand your struggle on so many levels, from miscarriage to depression feeling alone. Truly and I say Truly alone is where we always are. When people begin to embrace this and make peace with it, it is there you begin to heal. Feeling like a failure is a choice, and I say this in a very specific sense, one a miscarriage or not being able to conceive is not your fault or a lacking you have power of control over so this is not a fail. It simply is, I had a step son who was diagnosed with leukemia at age 5, he didn't fail. Now the choice part, if you have failed and you have quit at that point, you have chosen this, I have failed so many times it is enough for a city of people to to have a pretty easy life. My aunt once told me she said "Mikey it doesn't matter how many times you fallen, or how many times you've been knocked down, or how it happened, the only thing that matters is how you get up! How you pick yourself up. Meaning will you get up fighting head held high and not living in shame? So here we are guilt and shame the 2 things only an individual can feel and can't share or give away or ever overcome if you choose it. Only you feel the shame or guilt of Failure most people are so hung up on their own lives even if you tell them this morning by 530pm they have forgotten and moved on and don't even worry for you unless they are near and dear and truly care. Then they are joining you in the pain they aren't gloating in your defeat. So that being said live life like nobody is watching, because in this day and age they really aren't they are looking at their phone. So where to go without help? Nowhere look inside and identify yourself and your successful traits, and stand on them! Claim them! If you have failed in a area that isn't your entire definition, it is a very tiny part. It is so tiny it is simply an event, that can't be fixed or relived or revisited by anyone but you.... so you keep that with you, you hold it close and tell that fail that the fail is you and you are the fail and you won't let it go. So ask yourself why did I fail and how do I avoid that when I try again. We can't learn and can't grow without fail. The greatest inventions came from fails, the right brother failed every single time until they succeeded to fly. If your fail didn't kill you, you have not failed. You just haven't gotten it right yet! You aren't wrong!

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hey friend

Feb 23, 2021 at 1:52pm

Please make an appointment with your doctor and let them know that you're feeling this way. They are the gateway and can refer you for specialized support, assessment, etc., and they usually have some preliminary resources that you can access as a starting point. Also, it might be worth finding out if your husband has an Employee Family Assistance program. Many employers have them now, and as his wife, you could receive services from them as well.
For what it's worth, I believe that no one else is quite like you, and that your role here is really to be you. When your distress levels are this high, you need to offer yourself soothing and distraction. Wishing you so much wellness. I have been here many times too (had to drop out of grad school), but today I want to live, and I celebrate every day that I feel that way. Hope you can find ways to celebrate yourself and acknowledge that these are hard times, so it make a lot of sense to be having a hard time. The crisis line posted above can be a great way to connect confidentially with someone to talk to. Sending big e-hugs.

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Feb 24, 2021 at 5:47am

I have been there, felt like a failure and depressed. It’s not uncommon and the best advice I can give you is don’t give your power away to anyone. I graduated from UBC and you know what, it didn’t solve anything, didn’t make me a better person. What I learned there is more how to take better care of myself, do yoga, eat healthy, exercise and take control of my own destiny. Listening to some of the most indoctrinated people, with multiple degrees tell you how to be happy is a recipe for disaster. Find something that drives you and that you love and do it. Depression is the God or the Creator no even if you prefer Nature’s way of pushing you to lead a more meaningful life. Lots of people are out there hooked on antidepressants because they lack the courage to leave their dull, monotonous jobs that are slowly chipping away at their souls. This year will see incredible changes for humanity. It’s a great time to be alive and living here, despite what the media will tell you. Go for a long walk in the sunshine and try to be grateful for something, anything, and dream big dreams. Make small gold and write them down and cross them off once you do them. Even simple things like brushing your teeth and taking out the garbage. Get a sense of completion after fulfilling each little step to becoming a better version of yourself. And laugh, laugh a lot because there is some funny sh@t out there and a lot of great comedy. Good luck

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Dear stranger

Feb 24, 2021 at 6:37pm

I have been there and I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. Miscarriage is so much harder then one expects. Take your time to grieve, allow yourself to grieve. Do you know for sure you can’t have children? I don’t want to give you false hope but I went on to have children. And even if you don’t I’m sure you will have children in your life if that’s what you want. Big hug.

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Hard words

Feb 25, 2021 at 11:19pm

I cannot empathize with your pain. I'd be lying if I said that I understand. I understand some, but not to the degree or extent; seldom does anyone, really. Your pain is not a unique situation but your pain is unique to you. It must hurt you so.
There's a sad part that I see here: how you want to bring in a life, to nurture it and pass on your lessons, yet you treat life itself with disregard. Rather than treasure or value it, you'd rather toss it away. There is far more to life... and to you... than that & yet you reduce your value to near zero. Do your relationships know how they don't matter much either, that their love holds little value? Sorry, what? They DO matter? Good.
You see, that's just your pain talking. Not you. And you got a lot, both of pain & a lot to offer.
You also have more to experience & more to bring forth, even if it's to those you didn't grow within you.
Right now it's not easy. You've been handed pretty meaningful frustrations & refusals. All this does not mean that you are a failure. You mustn't compare yourself to others either, as this is your life to live. We seldom see the long road of setbacks that others endure, but we always see the triumphs. Those very successful people had their fare share, though & dammit now it's your turn. You just have yet to find your place to shine. Life will never give you more than you can handle. Life just asks that you fully participate. Part of that is to talk, to share your experience & your feelings, the good & the bad, like in times like these. While it likely won't bring you what it want, talking to others to share how you feel will bring you what you need. Let others in. Let them see your pain, for we all have ours. It's only big, bad and embarrassing if we let it be so. That's when your troubles have more power on you that it should. When you reach out, open up, you will be stronger. Not right away, but the more you reach out, the more you'll learn how alone you aren't, and as you pour out that pain you will eventually find your way.
There is more to life, and it's waiting for the best of you in unlikely places and unlikely faces.
You are lucky to have a husband. It would be a shame to keep him out of your heart. Last I recall love is something a bit more meaningful; he's not just here for the good times. Let him know what you need, how you need it. Let him decide what's too much.

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