Feeling Hopeless

I am a female who is turning 32 next month. I have never had any intimate experience with a man, apart from a couple of awkward first kisses. I can’t even pinpoint exactly why things have shaped up the way they have- I am quite “normal” in all other aspects of my life (career, health, friendships etc.) apart from always being a bit on the chubbier side. Most people assume I am single by choice, but the true fact is no man has ever asked me out...I haven’t had many opportunities to meet men because I’m an introvert/not big into partying. I think it’s partly low self esteem (not putting myself out there), not knowing anything about flirting, and the fact that dating was never normalized/encouraged/talked about in my family and culture. I’ve been doing therapy which has helped a bit, but the thought of intimacy, let alone finding a husband and having kids seems unfathomable to me. I’ve been swiping on all the apps for over 4 years, and only have a few awful bad dates to show for it. I’m tired of all the ghosting, fake profiles etc. Wish I could just meet someone the old fashioned way...and that they’d be willing to take intimacy in baby steps.

21 Comments

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It's 2021

Mar 3, 2021 at 12:29am

Maybe you should ask some guys out- as 99.9% of them never had anyone ask them out.

Time

Mar 3, 2021 at 12:34am

To ask guys out, then.
But after 12 years on the market with no results, its time to stop blaming guys and realize the one common denominator....

Join a

Mar 3, 2021 at 12:59am

Few clubs or volunteer.....That way you can meet people in a less pressure filled environment. Once the pandemic is over of course.

29 5Rating: +24

don’t get fooled by smug-marrieds!

Mar 3, 2021 at 7:43am

I was in a similar place as you more than 20 years ago. Except I grew up thinking it was strange that men were still expected to ask women out. So I can’t help you with that part because I was doing the asking (and getting the rejections!) as a young woman in the mid to late 90s (the comment from someone saying “it’s 2021!” strikes me as particularly hilarious). It wasn’t a good time. Dating was never fun, I don’t know how to flirt, I’m a blunt and extremely average-looking person (I think dating and flirting is easier for people who are seen as attractive). My person, who I’ve now been with for 20+ years? We were introduced by a mutual friend at the time. So here is the bad news: there is no one way of doing this relationship thing, or meeting potential romantic interests. It’s hard. It’s trial and error. And happily ever after doesn’t exist - you might think husband and kids will fulfill you, because you’ve been taught that since you were a girl, (and maybe they will!) but the number of disillusioned, affair-having, divorce-filing people in their 40s and 50s demonstrates that marriage and kids are NOT the answer for everyone. Good luck to you. Love can happen, but it doesn’t happen for everyone.

36 2Rating: +34

@Time

Mar 3, 2021 at 8:48am

I read the post too, and I didn’t see anywhere that the Op was blaming men.

17 2Rating: +15

A Man

Mar 3, 2021 at 10:05am

I would say with absolute certainty that someone like yourself may have a time at this mainly because most men in general are a little intimidated by a beautiful angelic lady.

14 9Rating: +5

Sympathetic

Mar 3, 2021 at 10:27am

I sympathize with your struggle. I experienced loneliness and doubt for many years until I met my partner. You sound like a reasonable and respectable person. It may sound cliché but continue to focus on yourself and what you can control. Eventually a nice guy will admire you and make a move. I encourage you not to become too desperate and jump at any guy that looks your way. You deserve a man that checks your boxes. The human heart is fragile and jumping in headfirst could hurt you.

Try to cultivate friendships with guys in a social group. Rather than only meet men in the dating world, simple social activities (covid complicates this) takes the pressure off you and allows an opportunity for guys to interact with you in a relaxed and informal way. As a man myself I recall the times that I was a third wheel with other couples or part of mixed group. Just being around girls helped give me confidence to interact with them, regardless of any attraction or agenda. Maybe some of your girl friends can help by including you in small social outings.

Keep your head up. Thanks for sharing.

29 2Rating: +27

A boy

Mar 3, 2021 at 11:00am

Well... take comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this situation. My problem is I avert my eyes. Not because I don’t want to look. But because I might be hooked.

14 1Rating: +13

Move!

Mar 3, 2021 at 11:09am

The dating scene in Vancouver is notoriously bad. Men are very reserved here, people are very insular and cliquey and a lot of them will only date within their own social groups of friends who have literally known each other since high school!! Go to Italy, is my advice. Any Mediterranean country will do.

21 5Rating: +16

looana

Mar 3, 2021 at 11:17am

though you can't even imagine it as you are right now - that's ok - when you find the right mate it will happen easily it won't alarm you, you will feel calm and safe and joyful from the start - that part will amaze you - you'll be very very more than ok... in the meanwhile of covid...... spend some time immersed in the soothing greenery and other colors and wonders of nature whenever you can...and stay safe... love finds you...!!!

9 1Rating: +8

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