I hear ya, I'm struggling with those same issues along with dealing with constant adversity since I was a child. From bullying, abuse from family, getting screwed over by so called friends and family I was there for, terrible treatment from men with the exception of 2 good ones years ago only, having my life completely fall apart due to my health and having an invisible treatment, years of terrible treatment and even getting properly diagnosed with serious issues as well as serious medical errors by doctors and being correct each time, feeling such a hatred and distrust of men due to my abuse and awful men, and now dealing with a very serious operation soon that I wonder if I'll even pull through...

I've got nothing to show for the life I lived, fought so hard and I'm so broken by life, by people, and see no future for myself.... Just this constant godforsaken hell filled with horrible physical and mental health issues, being poked and prodded and constant treatments, doctors while drowning and feeling completely alone with this unbearable loneliness....

Hugs to you. I hope things improve.

Revolves around a lack of energy and work. May have to change my life career.

Walls are good.
Like a castle
Keeps the shit winds from blowing.

Maybe you two should meet?

I've been single for 8 years come August, and definitely not bitter. Sure, sometimes I miss having someone, but that only lasts for a little while, then I'm back to being happy with being single/kidfree and not dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of that life.

but I feel exactly the same. Years of trying to build friendships, trying to extend kindness to strangers, volunteering in the community, and people feel very insular, tribal, clique-y. The loneliness is corrosive to the spirit. The anger, even over small inconveniences, turns your body into a walking inflammatory mess. But it's justified anger, right? It's anger that we are excluded, not good enough. It's an understandable kind of anger.

It’s not a good way to live. Necessary sometimes when healing from pain. Just remember you made it so no one could get the in, but you can still get out.
Good Luck

"Before you diagnose yourself as crazy first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes".

I hear you OP. It's not your fault but it gets better and you will find yourself again. It could be cptsd from a singular or series of events. Have patience. Reach out to a trustworthy person(s) if you need help. I experienced similar with abusers in my vicinity who tried to sabotage me and provoke a breakdown. I'm happy to say that backfired on them and I still live in love :)

Sometimes you really need to check your surroundings. It sounds like you're out of the toxic space so it should be easy enough to turn the ship around back to you. Best of luck.

cursing out my demons I wouldn't have anyone to talk to.

Your post made me feel better because at least I'm not alone. Slowly becoming more bitter and angry. I feel like even my face has changed. I used to have laugh lines which never bothered me, but now my face looks angry and drawn. A doctor told me the anger was depression, then gave me sleeping pills and other drugs, but the side effects were nasty. I don't see any end in sight. Just more loneliness and anger.

The pandemic sort of enabled some of these feelings through all the isolation, for sure