Mother's Day

After learning the extent of my mother's financial abuse of me I am finding Mother's Day ads to be upsetting. I know I am in the minority of those who have/had a shitty mother and I'm not ragging on moms out there. I just feel terrible that mine meant the world to me and she betrayed my trust. Yes, there is a court case to seek restitution. Unfortunately the justice system isn't so much about justice, it's about forcing negotiation with those that hurt you in more than one way.

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It is...

May 2, 2021 at 11:17am

.. taboo in our society to criticize women, mothers doubly so.

At least your mother raised you to be able to be exploited. My mom has what today would be diagnosed as mild "learning disabilities," tho in her day, they just put you into a "business" stream. She has no capacity to do anything that she has not been trained to do, and her training capacity is basically that of a Grade 4.

I can function at an adult level, but it's pretty difficult when at home you're dealing with an angry 9 year old all of the time. Anything doesn't go her way and she freaks out. It got worse after she had kids. My dad left when she started becoming physically abusive, which was, wow, like 30 years ago.

I had a sibling, he died in his late 20s---he either had the same learning disabilities she did, tho I don't think they're genetic, I think it's just bad training. He took after her, I took after Dad. Dad, btw, was a Uni grad, engineering degree, etc.

I moved out for a few years only to move back in after my brother died. He had been the typical "basement dweller incel," except, knowing what I know, it's not his fault. He never had a chance. She fed him a steady diet of frozen pizzas and candy because that meant he wasn't "fussing." His hair started falling out, obviously from malnutrition, by the time he was 6.

He had behavioral problems at school and at home, so, of course he was "mentally ill." Not once was mom asked "what are you feeding him?" Actually, I take that back, once before dad left there was a consult with a pediatrician because he was having bowel problems---the pediatrician asked for a food journal, and his eyes nearly bugged out, so Dad tells it: "you don't give a baby as much juice as it wants." "But I don't want food to be a weapon, I heard that in a woman's magazine!" And that was that. Dad couldn't correct her, the physicians, other than this one pediatrician (to whom she never returned...) were never going to correct her.

So, my brother died living in his own filth in his late 20s. I moved back home to take care of mom, because she was having diabetic ulcers, etc. from---again, malnutrition. Corrected her diet, no more taking her to hospital for sepsis, infections, etc.

She still likes my brother more than me---he died quietly instead of "fixing" things...

18 9Rating: +9

Just Let It Go Man

May 2, 2021 at 1:46pm

Otherwise you are re living trauma over and over again man.

5 9Rating: -4

@it is

May 2, 2021 at 1:53pm

Thanks for sharing man. Dunno all the details of course since Im not in your shoes but your Dad shoulda taken over caring for children maybe and just bailed. But maybe he has reasons. Im probably reading things into it. Take care man.

4 6Rating: -2

Problematic/unwell mothers

May 2, 2021 at 2:33pm

Aren’t talked about. It’s still very much a taboo subject. I don’t think you’re in the minority, op. I think there are many people who have suffered at the hands of their mothers, either abuse, addictions, mental illness, you name it. But it isn’t talked about. My own mother and grandmother are seriously mentally ill. This is not something one can talk about with anyone. You just have to suffer. Mother’s Day is a very difficult time. My heart breaks when I think of the women out there, who grew up with kind, supportive, loving, affectionate mothers. I didn’t have that. These two women managed to kill any desire I had to have children of my own. I’m really sorry you were manipulated & stolen from. I hope the justice system gives you restitution, and I hope you are able to heal from this.

28 4Rating: +24

Not a mom

May 2, 2021 at 3:11pm

How do you know you’re in the minority? You think you are, but you don’t know for sure. I’m sorry your mom was awful to you, and am also sorry that you are definitely not alone in having a bad mom.

16 4Rating: +12

Legal system

May 2, 2021 at 4:12pm

"Justice" is a misnomer.
A situational and personal idea - one person's "justice" is another's "tyranny".
What you get instead is a *legal* system. Designed to provide a kind of political stability. Anything that stops short of outright violence in the streets. Justice is not the objective.
Adjust your expectations and it all makes sense.

My mom is one of the most narcissistic people I know. We're not close. So that's someone else's mother's day, to me.

11 5Rating: +6

My X wife was/is a raging cuckoo

May 2, 2021 at 5:55pm

and to make the hell worse for our children, the system of family law and courts were zero help. Any bozo with an supposed average IQ (intelligence quotient) that can memorize pages can make it though law school but shouldn't our society place priority value in the EQ (emotional quotient) of fair ethics and common sense ?

13 7Rating: +6

Here we go....

May 2, 2021 at 9:37pm

You’ve opened the floodgates for all of the mother-haters. It’s weird how almost all of us were raised by mothers, and yet no one seems to care about the fact that those very mothers who are so easy to despise for what they lacked or didn’t so, are often the ones that did the most for us! Very few of us with so-called “broken” families, were raised by fathers alone. Even those of us with intact family units were almost entirely cared for by our mothers. In fact, the majority of childcare responsibilities are still born almost entirely by mothers. Many of them with no support to speak of from the fathers. Many of them raised by mothers who also had almost no support from the fathers of their children. And yet, regardless of how awful, or how completely absent, the men were in those children’s lives, no one blames them for their lousy childhoods. Instead we all focus on the woman who very likely did the best she could with the skills she had at the time. With her own past unhealed traumas. Despite being blamed for the eternal damnation of humanity. And yes, the vast majority of those flawed women love their children with all of their hearts, and rarely do they expect those children to even begin to love them back the same way. For you Op, I sympathize for your sadness about whatever it is that you believe your mother did to harm you. I hope for your sake and hers that you will both be able to come to some type of understanding about the circumstances that may have led to this situation. But at the same time, it might be helpful for you to try to take a virtual step back from the situation to try to gain some perspective. Things are rarely what they appear to be at first glance,

6 14Rating: -8

@here we go

May 3, 2021 at 9:27am

You're confusing abuse/mental illness with misogyny. Two different things. A person who has a mentally ill parent is suddenly a mother hater? Don't think so. Time to put down the reefer, brother. You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. To the OP: money & families can get really messy, really fast. My advice? Don't put yourself through the stress of the legal system, unless she owes you more than 10,000. Just walk away. Create distance. Even if that means moving a few hours away. Time to disentangle yourself and disengage. Good luck to you.

10 2Rating: +8

@Here we go....

May 3, 2021 at 12:16pm

Yeah I guess I should really be thankful for having a mother who told me repeatedly she wished she could knock my head off and would shove me. It's the patriarchy that made her do that right?

My earliest memory is her screaming at my dad about something it was always something trivial I mean he literally went to work worked overtime put his whole paycheck into the family he went out once a month to eat East Indian food and smoke a joint with his old buddies. I learned once I grew up that this came up in therapy once because of course that her behest they were in therapy because obviously maybe she could pay someone to get him to do what she wanted. They did the typical tell us something about your partner that bothers you just do you know get it something out in the open. She literally said once a month he goes out with his friends and smokes a joint.

The thing that caused my dad to finally leave was she tried to push him down the stairs. Now what's he to do he could easily physically overpower her but that's not going to improve the situation.

And then once he left endless hours with social workers and therapists paid for by the ministry and all sorts of things also that she could tell her sob story over and over and over to these people.

I was trained to do my laundry and dishes and cook for myself by the time I was 7 and if I ever got sick I had to beg to have those things done for me and I was told that I was just a lazy worthless person. I remember going to friend's houses and seeing their mom cook for them and I wondered what it was all about why she was cooking for them cuz they were like 10 and I was like your mom still cooks for you wow.

And I have to emphasize this is not how she was raised her mother took care of her her father doted on her she never wanted for money mom and dad were always there to spot her a few bucks.

And then even if I tell the story to a therapist which I tried once they all go all so what time to keep moving forward.

Not that I'm a big believer in therapy especially because I now have to take care of her. I mean she's Mom right you don't abandon your family I don't anyway. All my friends the few that I have left tell me I'd be better off if I left. But as you say she took care of me when I was unable to take care of myself so I owe it to her. Right? Suggesting I hate my mom is offensive.

8 1Rating: +7

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