Emotional Vice Grip

I have a difficult time communicating my feelings in person. I’m better at writing them down but the message doesn’t come across the way it would if I said it out loud to the person who’s meant to hear it. I’ve spent my entire life bottling up my feelings so my fear is that when I tell someone they’re causing me pain, my feelings will explode into a volcano of deep agony that will overflow into a giant cacophony of sorrow that whomever I’ve subjected this to will run away terrified and never speak to me again. Not allowing myself to feel sad and actually cry when I’m sad has turned into a tar pit that once released will be like the blood from the elevator in the Shining. Who wants that? Not me. So I bury everything.

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Fellow volcano

Jun 16, 2021 at 5:13pm

You use cool visual language and I’d actually love to hear what you have to say when you need to say it.

It’s refreshing to see that some people are getting emotionally real with themselves. Your voice is needed when you’re ready to use it.

7 1Rating: +6

Hypothetically

Jun 16, 2021 at 5:46pm

If you were my friend, I’d ask you not to bury it and tell you to come out with it instead. Because, having been somewhere similar with suppression, I know it really sucks. Sometimes I’d just get annihilated repressing something I didn’t really understand.
I know it probably corrodes your insides, so I’d really encourage you to find a method of expressing yourself.
Right now though, it sounds like you’re living in fear. Don’t live in fear.
Get fucked up if you want, but don’t credit others for that. That’s how you end up living the perpetual, accept your vices as your own is what I’m saying.
Overcoming my fear and speaking up helped for me.
I can only give this advice because I’ve fucked some shit up.

4 1Rating: +3

Therapy

Jun 16, 2021 at 6:18pm

I believe it saved my life and that through persistent attendance I have learned how to manage my anxiety and abandonment issues, which in my case were the root cause of my inability to proactively communicate my feelings for others. Bottling it up is, untimely, self harming behaviour. You’re basically saying, my feelings are not valid enough to be spoken. And so you suffer in silence. Therapy is a safe space to unload all of the emotions, analyze them with guidance and understand why you do what you do. It can also help you to develop better ways of communicating. So, I can only speak for myself, but therapy has saved my life, helped me to love and trust myself and be far more present and genuinely happy in my life. I hope the same for you!

14 1Rating: +13

bingeblaz3r

Jun 16, 2021 at 7:26pm

Loving all the possitivity I've read from everyone so far.
And the brilliant psychological insight! Very helpful. =)

Feels Op!
Can totally relate to the thing of being better able to write stuff than say stuff (been writing to my m/o for years here & there) and not letting oneself feel the pain. My mom died a couple months ago and I haven't had the big cryet but have been close a few times while sorting through her belongings.

Definitely safely let emotions out OP. It will be a big relief.

7 2Rating: +5

Seera Muun

Jun 16, 2021 at 8:08pm

You only learn if you live. So, maybe, you will explode like a volcano and maybe, the more you talk, the less explosive you'll be. Easy does it. Don't bash yourself for mishaps. If those close to you are kind and supportive, they will see that you're doing your best to open up. It's important to be listened to and I want to listen to my friends, my family. If you understand that sincere want to listen, you can slowly begin expressing yourself.

4 1Rating: +3

It's the little things

Jun 17, 2021 at 4:15am

I actually like a good explosion. What got me about the Shining was that little bastard riding his tractor on the wooden floor! Shut the fuck up Timmy! Or dull Jack is going to throw you through the goddamn window!

1 1Rating: 0

It’s okay

Jun 17, 2021 at 5:42am

Bottling up emotions isn’t health, as many others here have pointed out. You know that too. Writing is a valid way of expressing oneself however. If you think about it, before the advent of modern communication devices, including telephones, unless you were actually present with the person you wanted to speak to, all communication was in writing. If you find it too scary to speak your mind directly, writing down how you feel can help. Whether you choose to share what you’ve written is up to you. While I agree that being able to freely express oneself to others is the ideal, we’re not always in a position to do that, especially if one is in a relationship with someone who’s abusive. Some people don’t allow the other person to express themselves safely, or they’ll just talk right over them or become very aggressive unless the other person is in total agreement with them. So I guess what I’m saying is that you need to judge the situation depending on who you’re dealing with. Good luck to you Op. I’ve been in your shoes frequently.

4 1Rating: +3

Been There [J]

Jun 17, 2021 at 12:08pm

Hand up for who else has felt this way. I'm only just really now at forty finding a way to balance expressing my thoughts and feelings better between writing and speaking. What I've found helpful is to write your way through the feelings, use it to sort out exactly what you feel, then come up with a short version you can use almost like cue cards to actually speak to whoever you need to.

Give it a try. Anyone reasonable will be ok with you taking that time, referring if you need to to your notes. Anyone who won't at least meet you halfway on it is not worth your attention.

Think of it from their perspective, too. If you had a friend bottling everything up, would you rather risk an explosive but ultimately honest conversation, or let them keep bottling and guarantee they eventually poison themselves? To live is already to risk it all, like the old man says. Might as well risk doing it honestly.

5 1Rating: +4

OP

Jun 17, 2021 at 12:56pm

Thank you for the positive comments. It’s been a lifetime of personal struggle with this issue. Since I was a small child it’s been really hard for me to cry even when I’m alone and in a lot of pain. My thoughts keep me up at night and it would be so helpful to talk to the people that cause me heartache but I find it so difficult because I’m not assertive, I hate confrontation and as I explained in my post, the floodgates are being held by a thread. The thought of that coming out in front of anyone is enough for me to curl up in a foxhole and never show my face again.

5 1Rating: +4

Oh Op

Jun 18, 2021 at 7:55pm

Do you really want to curl up in a foxhole..?..or just bang one?

Kidding aside, if you think the chances are good that your person is in the audience, why don't you write it out (anonymously) on here.

6 3Rating: +3

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