You sound really unhappy with your current situation.

I think feelings of “I can’t do this anymore” and “I can’t see a way out of this” are common these days, in addition to anxiety about the unknowns of the future.

Lack of affordability in the city, the rise of disposable dating culture, and the prevalence of job burnout sure isn’t helping matters. While some days I’m optimistic that a great shift is in the air, other days I find it hard to envision a future that doesn’t involve extreme poverty, loneliness, exhaustion, confusion, and helplessness.

Sorry to hear that. There's thinking about it and then there's contemplating it, right? That random thought of "Hey, I could jump!" when you step onto a balcony maybe "doesn't count"; but the thought cropping up without any prompting, and the thought sticking around for more than a moment or two is, well, let's call that the "real thing". You decide which one is you, and if it's the second, then reach out, call that help line or alert a workplace counseling service, and let some knowledgeable, wise and supportive folks help you out. And stay strong!

Strange as is sounds I feel more like killing myself when I think too much about other people. When I concentrate on what I want out of life I feel like living.

... do not really think about suicide in the sense of killing myself. I just wish I were dead sometimes as in every time I wake up every time I go to bed and several times throughout the day. I've been on disability assistance since I was about gosh when would that have been 25 so that's about a decade during which time I've consumed around $130,000 of this Fair provinces consolidated revenue fund. I feel very guilty about that. The reason I don't just stop the checks and go beg on the street is that my family would worry so I guess it's selfish letting the province feed me just so my family won't worry.

Growing up so many people thought that I'd do something with myself and I've tried but what I found is that it's like the grateful dead say all you need is good love and I've never had that well actually that's what makes it worse I have for about 3 years I was in love and it was so wonderful and I did so well.

But now I know I'm not supposed to have a relationship if I'm on disability cuz no one is going to support me and if they end up with me and they make more than I think something like for the two of us something like $1,500 a month or something ridiculous like that I haven't done the math but then all my assistance is cut off and I'm completely dependent on that person which wouldn't make for a healthy relationship anyway.

I think about suing the province about the rate of disability assistance and the fact that I'm not allowed to have a relationship cuz I don't think they'll change it unless they're forced to by the courts.

Then I think is it fair that all the nice people should have to support me and God forbid give me enough money that I could you know go into a relationship and say well I don't make much but I'll always have this much so maybe we can make a go of it dear?

Every now and again just in case you're thinking I don't try I go out I try to apply for a job I've tried the jobs I used to work in before I got disabled which were high tech and I've tried everything from bagging groceries too I can't drive unfortunately so I can't do that and I'm not strong enough to do warehouse work. No one wants me around.

I don't blame them.

Well... I'm not. I don't plan on ever dying again.

"You are exactly the same after death as you were before. Nothing changes; you only give up the body." -- Yogananda ............... Regardless that Yogananda is giving it to us straight, that don't say you've got to accept Yogananda as your way. My Indigenous Elders teach: "My way is not the only way and no one has to do it my way; but, everyone must find the way that works for them." Its out there and in there for all of us. Just go for it.

I don’t think most people think about suicide once a week and do think you should seek professional help if you do.

In times of serious troubles I think many of us have flirted with the idea of what-if. But it’s when you’re actually thinking of how you’re going to do it that you’ve really got to worry about your thought process. Obviously you’re very unhappy, and quite possibly you’re depressed (as in clinically). So it sounds like you need to shake things up a little and figure out what’s causing this distress, as well as what you can do to alleviate it.

would be anything but in utter unceasing agony in the same situation as myself. And considering the actual totality of the directed violations in my situation, I'm given zero actual options and zero actual choices, either -- and so the self-ending ideation and the endless extreme suffering that causes it, are the inevitable results of that.

Tragic that nobody in direct relational proximity to me ever like, intentionally disobeys a violation-inducing instruction in relation to me, from what I can tell -- even though at least some of them almost certainly could.

Being intentionally tortured by an omnidirectional lifelong nondisclosing, hypnosis-manufacturing group of hundreds of thousands of street theater actors (many, many millions if you include non-directly relational ones), is nothing other than agony.

I have never even met a single real, candid, non-nondisclosing person in my entire life, actually -- except infants who can't yet understand the concepts.

I wish that was all a delusion, but it isn't -- I've tested this for a very long time now, and it is not even partially vulnerable to falsification.

Not a single person or being has ever even remotely helped me in any significant way.

I wish I had never been born.