My dad...

... has had two overdoses that he had to go to the hospital for and now he's not the same. He was never all there but now he starts foaming at the mouth and yelling in conversations. If we go to a restaurant he'll argue with the staff being appropriate. My parents split up when I was very young. My mom has health problems and need someone to take care of her so I do that now. I've actually been doing it since he left not that it's abnormal to have chores in a household but I sort of wonder when I get a period of not everything working as if my magic I know that's not how life works, but I guess maybe this is cuz I'm slow I'm sort of realizing that it's never going to be like it was for all my peers whose family stayed together, whose dads didn't prefer doing drugs to staying at home. I've tried counseling, I've tried every class of drugs that physicians will prescribe, I've done the whole self-improvement weightlifting yoga hiking West coast lifestyle thing, and what I'm starting to realize is that none of it's ever going to kill the pain.

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Wise one

Jun 5, 2021 at 12:49am

Your self-awareness is what will save you from the path your dad took. Channeling your energy in positive ways is a good step. Your void, likely a result of emotional neglect, can at least be managed. You seem pretty enlightened about it.

7 1Rating: +6

Anonymous

Jun 5, 2021 at 10:16am

It's not fair how some people's lives are full of suffering. Wishing you lighter days op. It can take time to arrive at a stage of acceptance where you can grieve the life you didn't have. When you're there more healing is possible. Be gentle on yourself. I hope you can find moments of joy in your present and future. All the best to you.

6 2Rating: +4

It’s actually

Jun 5, 2021 at 10:41am

good that you have realized that the yoga self improvement thing is not the solution. It’s ok to have family problems and it’s ok to feel pain. Dealing with really messed up and addicted family members is incredibly painful, have been through it myself and am still dealing with one. I learned too that one cannot whitewash the situation and truly most people do not understand unless they’ve dealt with similar. People are like “oh just ignore them” but the truth is it affects everyone in the family so how can you possibly avoid the glaring reality? It actually bothers me a lot how people in the yoga and wellness community can actually be the most judgemental by far. You need to be around others who understand you and who will not judge but will simply listen and be supportive. You were given this load maybe on purpose to help these people and to gain some kind of understanding which you may need down the road, and that process is part of the wonderful and complex being that you are.

7 1Rating: +6

embrace the pain

Jun 5, 2021 at 1:35pm

It's a part of life. Don't make the mistake of believing it's only you. You'll know times are going well when you hear other people complaining. Instead of just trying yoga hiking west coast life thing, commit to it. Nothing comes for free and there's nothing you can hold for very long. Suffering will end when you die

8 2Rating: +6

Quotient

Jun 5, 2021 at 1:57pm

I have a thing which I call my pain quotient. What makes up all of my pain? I don't dissect it too far down but in your case it's pretty obvious. One thing I've learned about pain and death. a break up, separation or divorce is you never get over it. You just learn to deal with it. When a loved one or what should be a loved one chooses drugs or whatever else over their children or spouse it is heart breaking.
This sounds simplistic but I try to eat half decently, try to get my sleep, take a tbsp of cbd/olive oil every night before bed so I sleep better. A sippy of some wine now and again tempered with a light sativa. I watch as much comedy as I can and ignore the news for the most part. Exercise - walking is good enough or yard work. Meditation and quiet time are the icing on the cake. Take it easy on yourself, you have a lot of responsibilities that are soul crushing. Let us know how you do. We care about you. xoxo

11 1Rating: +10

northislandgal

Jun 5, 2021 at 3:06pm

all we can do is learn to live as best we can

8 1Rating: +7

@embrace the pain

Jun 6, 2021 at 11:46am

Yeah I like Robert Hunter and the dead, I mean if all you've got to live for is what you've left behind get yourself a powder charge and seal that silver mine. Take a vacation fall out for a while, Beat it on down the line. No denying that this job I got is just a little too hard, but I'm not doing it for money like the character in that song I'm doing it because I don't have a chosen family like the dead scene which many people leave there natal families and they get involved in something like that and they have a much better time of it.

You're quite right though I mean the suffering is in some sense of my own choosing. If I just left my family and you know come what May I know I'd be much better off. But unfortunately, I never had an uncle who taught me that I should leave him by the side of the road and take the gold. I mean if you're going to quote dead lyrics at me that's one of the songs they sang the most.

And the sense I get from the themes in their music and again I think the music and poetry what you get out of it is not necessarily authorial intent but there's definitely a theme of family interspersed with the songs about Cowboys robbing one another. I mean I don't think they'd have a song about leaving your dying mother at the side of the road because she was abusive, would they?

0 0Rating: 0

So powerful

Jun 6, 2021 at 5:58pm

Thank you for sharing. I hope good things happen for you

4 0Rating: +4

Suffering is not your choosing

Jun 7, 2021 at 10:06pm

Suffering is an indication that your alive. Didn’t mean to put you on tilt with the Stella Blue reference. My point is that everyone is suffering, no one’s living a perfect life, you’re too involved in your own to notice othe people’s problems. Goto a Phish show lol

0 0Rating: 0

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