NO, I don’t have to forgive

I confess that I disagree with the concept that we must forgive people or it means we’re holding onto negativity. When someone has caused you significant harm and has not apologized or acknowledged it, I don’t believe that we’re obligated to forgive them at all. That doesn’t mean that I think it’s okay to be obsessing about the situation, or that it’s healthy to hold grudges over minor things. But if someone has done you serious harm, I see no reason at all why we should be pressured to forgive them. I can carry on with my life, and I don’t sit around fuming about them, but there’s a couple of people who I will never, ever forgive for what they did, and no, I don’t wish them well.

31 Comments

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if

Jun 13, 2021 at 5:52pm

I make it to heaven there are at least 2 people that I do not want to see there still.

9 1Rating: +8

Anonymous

Jun 13, 2021 at 6:33pm

What's the joke about allowing people to live in your head rent-free?

19 6Rating: +13

Oh my!!

Jun 13, 2021 at 6:55pm

Though I’ve struggled with forgiveness in the past, I can’t help but imagine you throwing your fists to your sides while frowning and stomping off after typing that lol

Anonymous

Jun 13, 2021 at 7:31pm

Forgiveness helps the forgiver more than the forgiven. In many cases the person who caused the harm doesn't even remember, but for you it's clearly still a big deal (given the tone of the post). Forgiving may make little to no difference to them, but allows you to move on more easily. Why deprive yourself of that?

Anonymous

Jun 13, 2021 at 8:04pm

I agree.
You can eventually give up the hate cause that takes alot of precious energy.
But forgive
Hell no.
Why? maybe they don't deserve forgiveness !
Hate part I get.
Finding the love in your heart feels way better.
If you can feel ;)

19 3Rating: +16

Yup

Jun 13, 2021 at 8:18pm

Could not agree more. The person/people pressuring to forgive are the very same people who were benefitting from harming, who haven't done any of the work required to show positive change, and/or who don't understand how trauma works. The shaming to demand forgiveness is more of the same usual lines of ingrained societal thinking. Without an apology, an abuser is not entitled to any forgiveness. Let's say they do apologize, they're still not entitled to forgiveness. It's entirely up to the person harmed to decide how moving forward looks to them. Any "pressure" applied should be on the abuser/abusive system to change not constantly expecting forgiveness from the victim or for them to just get over it and move on. Healing and living a free life isn't dependent upon forgiving people who have wronged you.

25 6Rating: +19

Forgiveness is never a requirement

Jun 13, 2021 at 9:23pm

A good piece of advice I heard was to radically accept the situation as it is, focus on your own healing, and gradually work your way toward indifference.

17 4Rating: +13

Op

Jun 13, 2021 at 10:21pm

Like I said, I don’t think that dwelling on it or otherwise obsessing about it is healthy, and I’m not doing that. But this societal pressure to have to forgive is ridiculous. I think it comes from a religious perspective. While I’m a spiritual person, I don’t believe in any religious dogma, and I will forgive when I’m good and ready. If that never happens, I’m good with that too. One of the people I don’t forgive is in the long past, and the other is only recent, so I’ll need a lot more time to come around to any forgiveness for that one, if ever.

20 9Rating: +11

Question for everyone

Jun 13, 2021 at 11:04pm

What if someone(s) thinks you did something bad, but you actually didn't, and the reason they think this is because of assumptions from miscommunication (on both sides) and acquaintances telling that person lies (because they had wanted that person too). So in fact you don't need forgiveness (because you didn't actually do any harm) but you want to let the person know the real situation.

If you were the person who thought they'd been wronged, would you want to hear the truth or would you want to believe your assumptions and the lies people told you?

12 8Rating: +4

Llama Supervisor

Jun 13, 2021 at 11:36pm

You don’t have to. Sometimes you have to do what you think is right. I feel well seated in my choices. Pressured apologies of a llama to another, will only reduce the quality of the wool of their friendship, if it is based on pettiness. Science, basically.

4 0Rating: +4

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